Tell me the one about Queen Victoria bathing her dear little dog when the men came to fetch her for her coronation.’
‘ Not tonight, dear, I’ve things to say that must be said.’ Nan’s voice sounded a bit queer. I began to have that familiar feeling in my tummy. Nanny cleared her throat: ‘Now then, dear, how would you like to have a lovely little baby brother?’ (The entire Osborn household had by this time already made up their collective mind the baby would be a boy.)
I thought for a bit; this was unexpected news. Then I remembered Jane and Amelia had a baby brother. Jane and Amelia were the vicarage children and sometimes came to tea. They had recently acquired their baby brother, a small, wizened creature, enveloped in white shawls, who managed to produce a noise far out of proportion to his size, and what’s more, smelt of pooh. ‘They’re noisy and smelly things,’ I announced, ‘and I don’t want one.’
‘ Now, that’s no way to talk and well you know it. God sends little girls baby brothers and they should be happy and grateful.’
‘ Jane and Amelia don’t like Geoffrey at all. They say he spoils simply everything, they—’
‘ Now, that’s enough, Miss Char. It’s wrong to think such things; what ever would your Ma say?’
‘ She doesn’t like babies, she said so. She said there were far too many born into the world and the working class must be taught to exercise restraint.’ I hadn’t the slightest idea what all this meant, but could ‘do’ Ma to a T — it was one of my ways of getting round Pa. It always had him in convulsions. I could see by the look on Nan’s face my random shot had found its mark.
‘ I said that’s enough and when Nanny says that’s enough, Nanny means it. Now, listen quietly to what I have to say. Whether you like it or not,’ Nanny sounded quite cross, for the life of me I couldn’t see why, ‘you’re going to have a dear little baby brother.’ I sucked my thumb in silence. ‘And, when the spring comes,’ Nanny continued, using her storytelling voice, ‘and the birds are building their nests, one fine day you will go upstairs to see your Ma in her bedroom and there, in a cradle by her bed, just like you were when you were little, you will find a lovely little baby, and you will kiss him and love him ever so much and...and when he gets bigger, you will be able to play with him and have such fun together.’
‘ I don’t want to play with babies, and how could he get into Ma’s bedroom, he—’
‘ God will send him, dear, you know that.’
‘ Well, I don’t want God to send him. Why can’t he be given to somebody else?’ But at this point Nanny, without further ado, plunged into her second piece of news.
‘ Another nice thing is going to happen. My, aren’t you a lucky little girl?’ But I seized one of the grey whiskers that sprouted from Nanny’s chin and gave it a sharp tug. It was one of those things I never could resist doing.
‘ Don’t do that, dear, or Nanny will get cross—’
‘ Why do you have a beard, Nan, why?’
‘ You’re going to have lessons every day with a very nice lady who is coming to live here. Your Ma will be too busy now to give them you herself. The lady is ever so clever and pretty and will be able to answer all your questions. Smith is going to turn out the big attic upstairs and paint it and make it into such a nice schoolroom, and you will have your own little desk and pen and pencils. And Bobby Prescott from the Grange will be coming in every morning to do his lessons with you — now, won’t that be nice?’
‘ No, it won’t, and I don’t want a baby brother either,’ I said.
Miss Babs Bellingham, wearing a smartly tailored tweed coat and skirt and a straw boater perched on a mass of red-gold hair, arrived a fortnight later, bringing with her a bicycle and a Gladstone bag full of Fabian Society tracts. Miss Bellingham was the ‘clever’ but impecunious niece of one of Ma’s
‘ Not tonight, dear, I’ve things to say that must be said.’ Nan’s voice sounded a bit queer. I began to have that familiar feeling in my tummy. Nanny cleared her throat: ‘Now then, dear, how would you like to have a lovely little baby brother?’ (The entire Osborn household had by this time already made up their collective mind the baby would be a boy.)
I thought for a bit; this was unexpected news. Then I remembered Jane and Amelia had a baby brother. Jane and Amelia were the vicarage children and sometimes came to tea. They had recently acquired their baby brother, a small, wizened creature, enveloped in white shawls, who managed to produce a noise far out of proportion to his size, and what’s more, smelt of pooh. ‘They’re noisy and smelly things,’ I announced, ‘and I don’t want one.’
‘ Now, that’s no way to talk and well you know it. God sends little girls baby brothers and they should be happy and grateful.’
‘ Jane and Amelia don’t like Geoffrey at all. They say he spoils simply everything, they—’
‘ Now, that’s enough, Miss Char. It’s wrong to think such things; what ever would your Ma say?’
‘ She doesn’t like babies, she said so. She said there were far too many born into the world and the working class must be taught to exercise restraint.’ I hadn’t the slightest idea what all this meant, but could ‘do’ Ma to a T — it was one of my ways of getting round Pa. It always had him in convulsions. I could see by the look on Nan’s face my random shot had found its mark.
‘ I said that’s enough and when Nanny says that’s enough, Nanny means it. Now, listen quietly to what I have to say. Whether you like it or not,’ Nanny sounded quite cross, for the life of me I couldn’t see why, ‘you’re going to have a dear little baby brother.’ I sucked my thumb in silence. ‘And, when the spring comes,’ Nanny continued, using her storytelling voice, ‘and the birds are building their nests, one fine day you will go upstairs to see your Ma in her bedroom and there, in a cradle by her bed, just like you were when you were little, you will find a lovely little baby, and you will kiss him and love him ever so much and...and when he gets bigger, you will be able to play with him and have such fun together.’
‘ I don’t want to play with babies, and how could he get into Ma’s bedroom, he—’
‘ God will send him, dear, you know that.’
‘ Well, I don’t want God to send him. Why can’t he be given to somebody else?’ But at this point Nanny, without further ado, plunged into her second piece of news.
‘ Another nice thing is going to happen. My, aren’t you a lucky little girl?’ But I seized one of the grey whiskers that sprouted from Nanny’s chin and gave it a sharp tug. It was one of those things I never could resist doing.
‘ Don’t do that, dear, or Nanny will get cross—’
‘ Why do you have a beard, Nan, why?’
‘ You’re going to have lessons every day with a very nice lady who is coming to live here. Your Ma will be too busy now to give them you herself. The lady is ever so clever and pretty and will be able to answer all your questions. Smith is going to turn out the big attic upstairs and paint it and make it into such a nice schoolroom, and you will have your own little desk and pen and pencils. And Bobby Prescott from the Grange will be coming in every morning to do his lessons with you — now, won’t that be nice?’
‘ No, it won’t, and I don’t want a baby brother either,’ I said.
Miss Babs Bellingham, wearing a smartly tailored tweed coat and skirt and a straw boater perched on a mass of red-gold hair, arrived a fortnight later, bringing with her a bicycle and a Gladstone bag full of Fabian Society tracts. Miss Bellingham was the ‘clever’ but impecunious niece of one of Ma’s
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