actually taking the time to write his show? I was giving him his pitch, right in his wheel house, what’s problem, Jerr? Am I too insignificant to play along with? Jerry, you can’t take a few seconds to read my damn badge? Would it kill ya? Would it, Jerry? I’m sorry, it’s the damn Yankee hat -- before 2004 that hat alone could do this to me.
I gave him his change -- Seinfeld smiled, as he and his girlfriend turned to leave, my dream of doing a bit with Jerry Seinfeld smashed to pieces. Jerry and his little chick strolled out of the store, my last chance walking away, trying not to be noticed in the crowd…
In a moment of last-ditch fantasy, I shouted, “I think you should know -- that magazine has been in the bathroom!” Jerry and the young hottie stopped and looked at me (as did everyone else in the store)… All right, probably not the best bit to steal from the show but being a Brentano’s and all, it’s the only thing I could think of. Jerry just laughed, and went on his way with his stick thin, “I-don’t-even-have-to-wait-until-I’m-twenty-one-to-drink-in-a-bar-because-I’m-so-hot” girlfriend.
I turned at the sound of almost everyone else in the store dropping the book they were holding -- because it too, was probably in the bathroom. The store manager, who was, of course, just standing a few feet away from me, would require the help of two of my fellow employees to lift and re-attach her bottom jaw to her top. Later, I feigned ignorance, that I didn’t know that we were not tell customers that -- see, I had never worked in retail before… I just didn’t know.
I enjoyed working in the bookstore but since all employees got a thirty percent discount on books and I think I made about five dollars an hour, it was something of a wash financially. I don’t think I made any money in the job, but I did read some good books.
Bono, the Man I Wanted to Hate
F rom the first time I saw U2 on MTV, I hated them. Being of Irish descent, I believe that the Irish should only play traditional Irish music (Van Morrison is exempt). An Irish rock quintet?.. No, thanks… unless you’re playing, “Wild Rover” or “Whiskey in the Jar.” And another thing that really got me, was Bono’s mullet. Admit it, that was the beginning of the bad hair trend, I blame him for all those hair bands, Andre Agassi, Wayne’s World, Larry the Cable Guy, and the disfiguring of many attractive lesbians (I’ve always had a strange attraction to lesbians, probably the number one reason why I didn’t get married till I was 40).
Another thing that turned me off the band, was that two of their members used pseudonyms, Bono and The Edge. Bono, I don’t know, maybe he was a big Sonny & Cher fan, but The Edge? The Edge of what? The Edge of Guitar playing… music… reality… the Edge of the world? I felt he had an incomplete nickname. A nickname should sum up the person and not be vague… a vague nickname might as well be the same name given to you by your parents when you’re born. That’s why you get a nickname because it suits you better than your given name. And the drummer’s name is Larry Mullens, Junior. Who made him use that name; Larry Mullens, Senior? He sounds like he’s in a country club, not a rock group. They were too pretentious of a band for me, then.
The other thing was that I once dated this woman who was really into them. One time during a very passionate moment, I swear she whispered, “Bono…” in my ear. Rattled, I stopped and questioned her mumblings. She claimed that she said “Mono.” She thought she was coming down with Mononucleosis. I was relieved, though this Bono thing was starting to bug me.
One day I showed up at work at the Sunset Marquis and I noticed that most of the hotel was full and many of the rooms and villas had a “U2” following it. Don’t tell me they would be staying here. Yes, they were and I had Adam Clayton, Bono and The Edge staying in my villas (Larry Mullens,
I gave him his change -- Seinfeld smiled, as he and his girlfriend turned to leave, my dream of doing a bit with Jerry Seinfeld smashed to pieces. Jerry and his little chick strolled out of the store, my last chance walking away, trying not to be noticed in the crowd…
In a moment of last-ditch fantasy, I shouted, “I think you should know -- that magazine has been in the bathroom!” Jerry and the young hottie stopped and looked at me (as did everyone else in the store)… All right, probably not the best bit to steal from the show but being a Brentano’s and all, it’s the only thing I could think of. Jerry just laughed, and went on his way with his stick thin, “I-don’t-even-have-to-wait-until-I’m-twenty-one-to-drink-in-a-bar-because-I’m-so-hot” girlfriend.
I turned at the sound of almost everyone else in the store dropping the book they were holding -- because it too, was probably in the bathroom. The store manager, who was, of course, just standing a few feet away from me, would require the help of two of my fellow employees to lift and re-attach her bottom jaw to her top. Later, I feigned ignorance, that I didn’t know that we were not tell customers that -- see, I had never worked in retail before… I just didn’t know.
I enjoyed working in the bookstore but since all employees got a thirty percent discount on books and I think I made about five dollars an hour, it was something of a wash financially. I don’t think I made any money in the job, but I did read some good books.
Bono, the Man I Wanted to Hate
F rom the first time I saw U2 on MTV, I hated them. Being of Irish descent, I believe that the Irish should only play traditional Irish music (Van Morrison is exempt). An Irish rock quintet?.. No, thanks… unless you’re playing, “Wild Rover” or “Whiskey in the Jar.” And another thing that really got me, was Bono’s mullet. Admit it, that was the beginning of the bad hair trend, I blame him for all those hair bands, Andre Agassi, Wayne’s World, Larry the Cable Guy, and the disfiguring of many attractive lesbians (I’ve always had a strange attraction to lesbians, probably the number one reason why I didn’t get married till I was 40).
Another thing that turned me off the band, was that two of their members used pseudonyms, Bono and The Edge. Bono, I don’t know, maybe he was a big Sonny & Cher fan, but The Edge? The Edge of what? The Edge of Guitar playing… music… reality… the Edge of the world? I felt he had an incomplete nickname. A nickname should sum up the person and not be vague… a vague nickname might as well be the same name given to you by your parents when you’re born. That’s why you get a nickname because it suits you better than your given name. And the drummer’s name is Larry Mullens, Junior. Who made him use that name; Larry Mullens, Senior? He sounds like he’s in a country club, not a rock group. They were too pretentious of a band for me, then.
The other thing was that I once dated this woman who was really into them. One time during a very passionate moment, I swear she whispered, “Bono…” in my ear. Rattled, I stopped and questioned her mumblings. She claimed that she said “Mono.” She thought she was coming down with Mononucleosis. I was relieved, though this Bono thing was starting to bug me.
One day I showed up at work at the Sunset Marquis and I noticed that most of the hotel was full and many of the rooms and villas had a “U2” following it. Don’t tell me they would be staying here. Yes, they were and I had Adam Clayton, Bono and The Edge staying in my villas (Larry Mullens,
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