Steve listened, commiserated, and confessed to me how
his wife had made him feel like half a man when she left. Sometime around 3AM,
I welcomed him into my hotel bed.
The next morning was awkward for us, having
breakfast in the hotel restaurant with the others and trying to act as if
nothing had happened between us. Our sleeping together was one secret neither
of us wanted getting out. Something like that would spread like wildfire
throughout the school. Teachers could be terrible gossips. Steve and I parted
ways with the understanding it was a one-time thing. That happened two more times.
Gathering my clothes and toiletries for a
late shower, I went into the small bathroom. I washed my hair, shaved, and
rinsed off the vanilla scented shower gel Hudson had given me for Christmas.
As I dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top, I considered working on Chris
again about going home. Surely he had realized his plan was failing.
When I found him, he wasn’t on his computer
as I’d expected. He was sitting in the arm chair I’d used the evening before
and was staring outside with the earbuds of his MP3 player at his ears. Even
from that angle, I could tell he’d been crying. The tears were gone, but his
eyes were still red and puffy and he looked almost trance-like and so caught up
in his thoughts. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen him cry. It had
been years.
“Chris,” I murmured on a troubled sigh.
“Look at what we’re doing to each other.”
He seemed embarrassed when he noticed me. He
pulled out the headphones and piled everything together in a jumble of wires on
the end table. He held out his hand to me. I walked up and stood next to his
sitting form. After a moment’s hesitation, I took his hand. He squeezed it
gently before looking at it as his thumb stroked the palm with feather-light
circles.
“Can we please go home?”
“I didn’t want to take this home with us. I
thought we’d settle it all this weekend, but I guess I’m wrong and it’s too
late,” he said softly.
“We screwed up, Chris. Both of us. It
should have never gone this far, but it did and there’s no going back.”
“I just…I didn’t see it. I didn’t see my
absence as a problem. I was able to give one-hundred-ten percent at work these
past few years because you were at home keeping everything going. I knew you
got frustrated with me. But never this.” He paused. “And, you’re right. I
am mad at you. Livid actually. All I can think about is how easily you broke
our marriage vows.”
I tried to pull my hand away, but he wasn’t
going to give it up. “It wasn’t easy . Don’t ever suggest that.
There’s nothing easy about any of this.”
“I think it was easy especially when you
consider the fact you never came to me and told me how unhappy you were. You
never gave me a chance to work our problems out,” he said calmly. “So, sure, I’ll
suggest it.”
He had a point. I wasn’t going to admit it
though.
His telltale eyes made me think of something
from our past. “Do you think we would have eventually gotten married if
circumstances hadn’t pushed us into it?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”
“I think so, too,” I admitted.
“What do we do now?”
I sat down on the wooden arm of his chair and
at an angle so I was facing him. “I guess we’ll need to tell the boys,” and as
I said it, my voice broke because I was a mom, first and foremost, and what
Chris and I were doing was going to affect them no matter how old they were.
“I’ll stay at Mom and Dad’s until I can find
an apartment.”
“Are you sure? It’s your house, too. It’ll
just be Clinton and me with Hudson and Carson away at school.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. The boys come home
enough on the weekends. You’ll need the house.”
“I don’t want us to be one of those warring
divorcing couples.”
“I agree. We’ll have to make a conscious
effort to be courteous and patient while we’re
his wife had made him feel like half a man when she left. Sometime around 3AM,
I welcomed him into my hotel bed.
The next morning was awkward for us, having
breakfast in the hotel restaurant with the others and trying to act as if
nothing had happened between us. Our sleeping together was one secret neither
of us wanted getting out. Something like that would spread like wildfire
throughout the school. Teachers could be terrible gossips. Steve and I parted
ways with the understanding it was a one-time thing. That happened two more times.
Gathering my clothes and toiletries for a
late shower, I went into the small bathroom. I washed my hair, shaved, and
rinsed off the vanilla scented shower gel Hudson had given me for Christmas.
As I dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top, I considered working on Chris
again about going home. Surely he had realized his plan was failing.
When I found him, he wasn’t on his computer
as I’d expected. He was sitting in the arm chair I’d used the evening before
and was staring outside with the earbuds of his MP3 player at his ears. Even
from that angle, I could tell he’d been crying. The tears were gone, but his
eyes were still red and puffy and he looked almost trance-like and so caught up
in his thoughts. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen him cry. It had
been years.
“Chris,” I murmured on a troubled sigh.
“Look at what we’re doing to each other.”
He seemed embarrassed when he noticed me. He
pulled out the headphones and piled everything together in a jumble of wires on
the end table. He held out his hand to me. I walked up and stood next to his
sitting form. After a moment’s hesitation, I took his hand. He squeezed it
gently before looking at it as his thumb stroked the palm with feather-light
circles.
“Can we please go home?”
“I didn’t want to take this home with us. I
thought we’d settle it all this weekend, but I guess I’m wrong and it’s too
late,” he said softly.
“We screwed up, Chris. Both of us. It
should have never gone this far, but it did and there’s no going back.”
“I just…I didn’t see it. I didn’t see my
absence as a problem. I was able to give one-hundred-ten percent at work these
past few years because you were at home keeping everything going. I knew you
got frustrated with me. But never this.” He paused. “And, you’re right. I
am mad at you. Livid actually. All I can think about is how easily you broke
our marriage vows.”
I tried to pull my hand away, but he wasn’t
going to give it up. “It wasn’t easy . Don’t ever suggest that.
There’s nothing easy about any of this.”
“I think it was easy especially when you
consider the fact you never came to me and told me how unhappy you were. You
never gave me a chance to work our problems out,” he said calmly. “So, sure, I’ll
suggest it.”
He had a point. I wasn’t going to admit it
though.
His telltale eyes made me think of something
from our past. “Do you think we would have eventually gotten married if
circumstances hadn’t pushed us into it?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”
“I think so, too,” I admitted.
“What do we do now?”
I sat down on the wooden arm of his chair and
at an angle so I was facing him. “I guess we’ll need to tell the boys,” and as
I said it, my voice broke because I was a mom, first and foremost, and what
Chris and I were doing was going to affect them no matter how old they were.
“I’ll stay at Mom and Dad’s until I can find
an apartment.”
“Are you sure? It’s your house, too. It’ll
just be Clinton and me with Hudson and Carson away at school.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. The boys come home
enough on the weekends. You’ll need the house.”
“I don’t want us to be one of those warring
divorcing couples.”
“I agree. We’ll have to make a conscious
effort to be courteous and patient while we’re
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