Shmucks by Seymour Blicker Page B

“Lady, my dog only _hits in the elevator, he never takes _isses there.”
    I find this character truly disgusting and insist that something be done to remove him from our building.
    Yours truly,
    Mrs. Dolly Mendelsohn
    Levin put the letter down beside him. That was going to be a hard one to answer. He’d come back to it.
    He picked up another envelope and opened it. He pulled out a piece of soiled foolscap. The writing on it was jumbled and erratic. He began to read the pencilled scrawl.
    Dear Mr. Levin:
    As you probably know by now, everyone in the building hates our present building manager, Mrs. Silverfarb. She is a nasty person. Never listens, never does anything. She sits in her office and reads books all day. She has to go; it’s either her or us.
    Please let me know your answer as soon as possible. I await your reply.
    Signed an anonymous tenant at the
    Grosvenor Arms
    Levin put it on top of the first letter, shaking his head in disbelief. He was just about to open a third one when he saw the figure of what seemed to be a girl enter the laneway behind the taxi.

CHAPTER 4
    PELZIC WAS RECLINED ON THE FRONT SEAT. He was fuming inside. He was on his last cigarette, he was hungry, and he had to urinate. He looked at his watch–12:45.
    In spite of his aggravation he smiled. He remembered how he had smuggled it out of Romania. Actually, he hadn’t really smuggled it. He had bought fifty watches and put them all on his arms. They had been lined up from his shoulder to his wrist on the right arm, and from shoulder to elbow on his left. Unfortunately, he had been caught and all the watches had been stripped from him. The customs official, however, had let him keep the one which he stared at now.
    He had also smuggled out a diamond which he had swallowed prior to leaving the country. They had missed that. Later on the train he got the runs and forgetting about the diamond rushed to the washroom and relieved himself. He still wondered sometimes if the diamond was ever found or if it lay to that day on some railway line in Romania.
    Pelzic’s reminiscences of the old country were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the car window. He sprang up, figuring for a moment that it was the madman from the car in front of him–but he saw instead the smiling face of a young girl. Getting an instant erection, he rolled down the window.
    â€œYou got any spare change, mister?”
    Pelzic hesitated for a moment. He wanted to think of a clever reply, a subtle answer–something that would perhaps both impress the girl and at the same time indicate to her that he desired some small pleasure in return.
    Finally he said, “What do you have for me?”
    â€œA dose of syph,” the girl replied straightfaced.
    Pelzic forced a laugh. “Very funny,” he said, “very funny.”
    â€œUp your ass,” the girl replied curtly and turned to go.
    â€œWait, wait a minute,” Pelzic exclaimed.
    â€œYeah,” the girl said.
    â€œCome into the car and I’ll give you some change.”
    â€œJust pass it through the window.”
    â€œCome in an siddown for a minute. I wan talk to you.”
    The girl shrugged with bored indifference and pulled the door open. Pelzic moved over to let her in. She got in and closed the door.
    â€œOkay talk,” she said.
    Pelzic forced a little laugh. “You’re such a young girl,” he said smiling. “You shouldn’t be out so late. You don’t have school tomorrow?”
    â€œAre you kidding! It’s July. School doesn’t start till September.”
    â€œOh, of course,” said Pelzic, slamming the heel of his palm into his forehead.
    Pelzic sat there for a moment thinking of something to say. The girl sat staring straight ahead.
    â€œDoes your father know you’re out so late?”
    The girl turned towards him with a look of disdain on her face. She made no reply to the question but instead said, “You