heard me in here. He shakes his head.
“I know you want to rush out of here and get back to work. But I do have one more important announcement,” Floyd says, hushing the crowd. “The fun isn’t done yet.”
Jake elbows me in the arm. My demeanor slightly changes.
“Kevin Taylor, come on up here,” Floyd says.
I hop up out of my chair even faster than I did the first time, but this time, when I get on my feet, I add a little quick spin.
“I knew it, I knew it. It’s my time. My time to shine,” I say as I prance up the aisle like a Southern Baptist preacher, to the front of the room with Floyd. I’m smacking people’s hands along the way. If I knew Floyd was up for it, I would’ve given him one of those jumping high-fives, like we were in an eighties chewing-gum commercial. I stand there with a big Kool-Aid smile on my face, like a contestant on the Price Is Right waiting to find out what I won.
“Wow, he’s the most enthusiastic person ever in one of my meetings,” Floyd says.
“Hey, I knew it would be a special day when I woke up today,” I say. “I knew it.” I pump my fist into the air. Some would think I’m laying it on pretty thick, but I’ve been waiting for this for years. A wonderful feeling courses through my body. I’ve never accomplished anything like this. I’ve never won. Never got what I wanted. I can’t act like I’ve been here before, because I haven’t.
“We also have a new employee starting today. Eddie Kaufman, come on down here,” Floyd says.
The young man who was sitting in Earl’s seat comes to the front of the room. The pure joy on my face turns to confusion.
Floyd continues, “With all of our new employees, we need one of our most experienced employees to help them navigate the ins and outs of our complicated business operations. For Eddie, that person will be Kevin. Kevin will be the first mentor in our inaugural STD Mentor Program. He’s an ideal candidate because he’s been at the helm of the same position for seven years now. If anyone knows what a pension administrator has to do, it’ll be Kevin. He’ll serve as Eddie’s flashlight to help guide him. He’ll be Eddie’s machete to chop down the jungle.”
If I was indeed a machete, I’d stab both of them with myself right this moment. Floyd has to be joking with me. He’s a prankster at times, but the more I wait, it doesn’t seem like this is one of those times. Everybody was looking at me excitedly, but now it’s a totally different look on their faces.
“Eddie will shadow his mentor. Do everything the learned professional does, in order to make himself an efficient employee with Schuster, Thompkins, and Dykes.”
This little shit stands right next to me and attempts to put his arm around me. I’m too shocked even to fight off the arm of my new force-fed Siamese twin, like I was just slipped a roofie by a date rapist. And that’s the last thing I remember about today’s town-hall meeting.
----
M y first inclination is to quit, but I need this job for the time being, until I can find another. I’d like to go into the men’s room and cool down, but that never works. Someone’s always in there. It could be Creepy Chuck following me in there. That’d do the opposite of cooling me down. Or worse, the Booger Bandit might’ve struck again. I don’t know who it is, but there’s an employee, presumably a man, who’s always putting boogers on the wall facing the urinals. And they’re not normal-sized boogers either. These suckers are huge and sometimes bloody. And they always sneak up on you. Because you’re taking a piss, and then you notice the big booger is there, staring you dead in the face. And you can’t look away; it’s kind of like an eclipse or a car accident. And that’d only make me more furious than I already am. I don’t know what would possess a grown-ass man to do such a thing in a public place, especially a professional man. But they must hate this job as much as or
“I know you want to rush out of here and get back to work. But I do have one more important announcement,” Floyd says, hushing the crowd. “The fun isn’t done yet.”
Jake elbows me in the arm. My demeanor slightly changes.
“Kevin Taylor, come on up here,” Floyd says.
I hop up out of my chair even faster than I did the first time, but this time, when I get on my feet, I add a little quick spin.
“I knew it, I knew it. It’s my time. My time to shine,” I say as I prance up the aisle like a Southern Baptist preacher, to the front of the room with Floyd. I’m smacking people’s hands along the way. If I knew Floyd was up for it, I would’ve given him one of those jumping high-fives, like we were in an eighties chewing-gum commercial. I stand there with a big Kool-Aid smile on my face, like a contestant on the Price Is Right waiting to find out what I won.
“Wow, he’s the most enthusiastic person ever in one of my meetings,” Floyd says.
“Hey, I knew it would be a special day when I woke up today,” I say. “I knew it.” I pump my fist into the air. Some would think I’m laying it on pretty thick, but I’ve been waiting for this for years. A wonderful feeling courses through my body. I’ve never accomplished anything like this. I’ve never won. Never got what I wanted. I can’t act like I’ve been here before, because I haven’t.
“We also have a new employee starting today. Eddie Kaufman, come on down here,” Floyd says.
The young man who was sitting in Earl’s seat comes to the front of the room. The pure joy on my face turns to confusion.
Floyd continues, “With all of our new employees, we need one of our most experienced employees to help them navigate the ins and outs of our complicated business operations. For Eddie, that person will be Kevin. Kevin will be the first mentor in our inaugural STD Mentor Program. He’s an ideal candidate because he’s been at the helm of the same position for seven years now. If anyone knows what a pension administrator has to do, it’ll be Kevin. He’ll serve as Eddie’s flashlight to help guide him. He’ll be Eddie’s machete to chop down the jungle.”
If I was indeed a machete, I’d stab both of them with myself right this moment. Floyd has to be joking with me. He’s a prankster at times, but the more I wait, it doesn’t seem like this is one of those times. Everybody was looking at me excitedly, but now it’s a totally different look on their faces.
“Eddie will shadow his mentor. Do everything the learned professional does, in order to make himself an efficient employee with Schuster, Thompkins, and Dykes.”
This little shit stands right next to me and attempts to put his arm around me. I’m too shocked even to fight off the arm of my new force-fed Siamese twin, like I was just slipped a roofie by a date rapist. And that’s the last thing I remember about today’s town-hall meeting.
----
M y first inclination is to quit, but I need this job for the time being, until I can find another. I’d like to go into the men’s room and cool down, but that never works. Someone’s always in there. It could be Creepy Chuck following me in there. That’d do the opposite of cooling me down. Or worse, the Booger Bandit might’ve struck again. I don’t know who it is, but there’s an employee, presumably a man, who’s always putting boogers on the wall facing the urinals. And they’re not normal-sized boogers either. These suckers are huge and sometimes bloody. And they always sneak up on you. Because you’re taking a piss, and then you notice the big booger is there, staring you dead in the face. And you can’t look away; it’s kind of like an eclipse or a car accident. And that’d only make me more furious than I already am. I don’t know what would possess a grown-ass man to do such a thing in a public place, especially a professional man. But they must hate this job as much as or
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