but he’d held back before he pushed her that far.
And this morning, Carol seemed calmer. They’d sat at the kitchen table, Flash at her feet, and managed to talk without scoring too many points or scratching too many scabs. He’d broken the silence with a question he hoped she wouldn’t take as a challenge. ‘What do you normally do in the evenings?’
She’d raised her head and pushed back the thick curtain of silvering blonde hair from her forehead. ‘When I’m too tired to work any longer, I watch TV. Anything except crime dramas, which means I sometimes end up watching very bizarre documentaries on Channel 4.’ This last with a wry smile.
‘Maybe it’s time you started gaming?’
She gave a shout of derision. ‘What? Pretend I’m Lara Croft, like you do? Run about the landscape with improbable tits, killing people?’
‘You know better than to give a cheap answer like that. The kind of games I play involve strategic thinking, quick reactions, forward planning. They’re heuristic. You learn from your mistakes and develop alternative approaches to problems.’
Carol hooted with laughter. ‘And that’s your justification for hours in front of a screen acting like one of the crazies you spend the rest of your waking life treating?’
Tony shook his head. ‘It’s the truth. It takes my conscious mind off the crazies. And it frees up my subconscious mind to solve the problems the crazies set me.’
‘And you think that would help me how?’ Her grey-blue eyes sparkled, blazing a dare at him. She took a defiant swig of the coffee that was the sum total of her breakfast that morning.
Deep breath. Hard talk. ‘I think it might give you space to work out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Sooner or later you’re going to run out of barn to renovate and then you’re going to have to make some choices. I know you, Carol. You’re not going to settle for burying yourself away here in the middle of nowhere, walking the dog and joining the WI and watching bad TV.’
She looked away from his direct gaze. ‘And you think Grand Theft Auto will fill the gap?’
‘It’ll take your mind off the gap till you know what’s going to fill it. I need to go into Bradfield today. I’ve used up the clean pants in my emergency overnight bag and I need to go in to Bradfield Moor to make arrangements for other therapists to pick up the slack for me for the rest of the week. I thought I’d grab my —’
‘The rest of the week?’ Carol cut across him, a mixture of outrage and surprise on her face. ‘Who the fuck asked you to move in?’
This was where he would normally have stepped sideways to avoid a direct confrontation. He’d spent years avoiding head-on collisions with her. Partly because professionally he didn’t believe in warfare as a means to lasting peace. But mostly because he hated the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach that came hand in hand with fighting Carol. Today, though, he knew there was no escape. ‘You need me, Carol.’
‘Fuck you, Tony. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.’ She scraped her chair noisily on the floor as she pushed it back. The dog jumped to her feet, ears pricked, sensing trouble. Carol waved an arm expansively around her. ‘Take a look around you. I’m managing fine by myself.’
‘No, you’re not. You keep telling yourself that, but it doesn’t make it true. You’re hurting and you need healing. You need help, Carol. You need help from somebody who believes you deserve to be helped. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for as long as it takes.’
He saw the sparkle of tears in her eyes as she turned away. ‘Christ. Am I to have no peace ever again?’
‘If you genuinely want me to leave, I will. But I won’t come back again.’
‘And then who would you bug the hell out of? Face it, Tony. If I’m Billy No Mates, like you said yesterday, then so are you. You need me so you can feel needed. Well, I’ve been getting
And this morning, Carol seemed calmer. They’d sat at the kitchen table, Flash at her feet, and managed to talk without scoring too many points or scratching too many scabs. He’d broken the silence with a question he hoped she wouldn’t take as a challenge. ‘What do you normally do in the evenings?’
She’d raised her head and pushed back the thick curtain of silvering blonde hair from her forehead. ‘When I’m too tired to work any longer, I watch TV. Anything except crime dramas, which means I sometimes end up watching very bizarre documentaries on Channel 4.’ This last with a wry smile.
‘Maybe it’s time you started gaming?’
She gave a shout of derision. ‘What? Pretend I’m Lara Croft, like you do? Run about the landscape with improbable tits, killing people?’
‘You know better than to give a cheap answer like that. The kind of games I play involve strategic thinking, quick reactions, forward planning. They’re heuristic. You learn from your mistakes and develop alternative approaches to problems.’
Carol hooted with laughter. ‘And that’s your justification for hours in front of a screen acting like one of the crazies you spend the rest of your waking life treating?’
Tony shook his head. ‘It’s the truth. It takes my conscious mind off the crazies. And it frees up my subconscious mind to solve the problems the crazies set me.’
‘And you think that would help me how?’ Her grey-blue eyes sparkled, blazing a dare at him. She took a defiant swig of the coffee that was the sum total of her breakfast that morning.
Deep breath. Hard talk. ‘I think it might give you space to work out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Sooner or later you’re going to run out of barn to renovate and then you’re going to have to make some choices. I know you, Carol. You’re not going to settle for burying yourself away here in the middle of nowhere, walking the dog and joining the WI and watching bad TV.’
She looked away from his direct gaze. ‘And you think Grand Theft Auto will fill the gap?’
‘It’ll take your mind off the gap till you know what’s going to fill it. I need to go into Bradfield today. I’ve used up the clean pants in my emergency overnight bag and I need to go in to Bradfield Moor to make arrangements for other therapists to pick up the slack for me for the rest of the week. I thought I’d grab my —’
‘The rest of the week?’ Carol cut across him, a mixture of outrage and surprise on her face. ‘Who the fuck asked you to move in?’
This was where he would normally have stepped sideways to avoid a direct confrontation. He’d spent years avoiding head-on collisions with her. Partly because professionally he didn’t believe in warfare as a means to lasting peace. But mostly because he hated the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach that came hand in hand with fighting Carol. Today, though, he knew there was no escape. ‘You need me, Carol.’
‘Fuck you, Tony. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.’ She scraped her chair noisily on the floor as she pushed it back. The dog jumped to her feet, ears pricked, sensing trouble. Carol waved an arm expansively around her. ‘Take a look around you. I’m managing fine by myself.’
‘No, you’re not. You keep telling yourself that, but it doesn’t make it true. You’re hurting and you need healing. You need help, Carol. You need help from somebody who believes you deserve to be helped. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for as long as it takes.’
He saw the sparkle of tears in her eyes as she turned away. ‘Christ. Am I to have no peace ever again?’
‘If you genuinely want me to leave, I will. But I won’t come back again.’
‘And then who would you bug the hell out of? Face it, Tony. If I’m Billy No Mates, like you said yesterday, then so are you. You need me so you can feel needed. Well, I’ve been getting
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