best to play it cool. ‘H-hey guys. What’s up? I haven’t seen you two all morning.’
Not exactly true , he thought.
Reese and Darylyn exchanged glances.
Jack grimaced. ‘When I say “you two”, I don’t mean there is a “you two”, like that’s a thing. I’m just saying, you’re both here now. Together. Not “together” together. Not that I’m saying you couldn’t be. That’d be fine. If you were. I’m totally cool with all that stuff, obviously.’
Darylyn shuffled closer to Reese and gave him a pointed nudge.
Reese scratched his jaw.
‘So, dude. We … kind of heard about what happened.’
Jack noticed Darylyn roll her eyes. Had she been expecting Reese to say something else? Had they actually come looking for him so they could fess up about their before-school rendezvous?
‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack.
A bunch of Year 10s walked past. ‘Hey, it’s Jack Spankley!’ one of them shouted.
Jack did his best to ignore them. ‘I mean, lots of things aren’t necessarily what they look like, right?’ he said, looking at Reese and Darylyn. ‘You might see two people walking along and think “Is that person holding hands with that other person?” or you might see something else that’s totally innocent and think “Hey, is that guy touching himself inappropriately in public?” – but actually, you might be completely wrong. And that’s exactly what’s happened here. Everyone’s got it wrong.’
He was about to gesture emphatically to drive home his point, but remembered he was still holding the merkin. He leant against the lockers again to make sure it stayed hidden behind his back. ‘I mean, you don’t really believe I’d … do that in front of everyone, do you?’
‘I don’t know, Jack. Yesterday you said you were doing it for the entire holidays,’ said Darylyn.
‘Okay, fair point,’ said Jack. ‘But that was just … Look, it’s under control. It’s just a normal amount of completely non-public masturbation, the same as any other teenage male who has definitely hit puberty. I promise. Cross my heart.’
Reese and Darylyn stared at him expectantly. Jack stood where he was, leaning against the lockers, not moving.
‘Dude, are you crossing your fingers behind your back?’
‘No!’ said Jack.
Reese shrugged. ‘Well, whatever.’ He looked down at Darylyn, then back at Jack. ‘Look, this is kind of awkward. But there’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you. Me and Darylyn, that is. Anyway … before the holidays, we kind of … well, we realised –’
‘We realised we have feelings of affection for each other,’ said Darylyn. ‘Strong. Affection.’
‘Oh,’ said Jack. It felt like the time he’d pretended to be surprised when he opened the Xbox he’d seen in his mum’s cupboard two weeks before Christmas. ‘Well … congratulations? And … thanks for telling me, I guess?’
‘I told you he’d be weird about it,’ Reese muttered.
‘I’m not!’ said Jack. ‘Seriously. I’ve just had a pretty intense morning, okay? I think Mr Trench tried to recruit me into some kind of wildman cult. And possibly the army.’ He paused. ‘Wait, you thought I’d be weird about it?’
Reese looked uncomfortable. ‘It doesn’t matter –’
‘Jack?’ came Vivi’s voice down the corridor. Sampson was with her, looking excited about the front row seats he’d scored to yet another performance of the Jack Sprigley humiliation stage spectacular. ‘What the hell was that back there? Could you really not wait until Ditz-stagio had finished her speech? Seriously?’
‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack. He had to admit it didn’t sound any more convincing the second time around. Feeling under attack, he tried to back further away, forgetting he was already fully pressed against the lockers.
‘No?’ snorted Sampson. ‘You’re actually not an uncontrollable gherkin-jerker?’
Jack had to hold himself back from flipping
Not exactly true , he thought.
Reese and Darylyn exchanged glances.
Jack grimaced. ‘When I say “you two”, I don’t mean there is a “you two”, like that’s a thing. I’m just saying, you’re both here now. Together. Not “together” together. Not that I’m saying you couldn’t be. That’d be fine. If you were. I’m totally cool with all that stuff, obviously.’
Darylyn shuffled closer to Reese and gave him a pointed nudge.
Reese scratched his jaw.
‘So, dude. We … kind of heard about what happened.’
Jack noticed Darylyn roll her eyes. Had she been expecting Reese to say something else? Had they actually come looking for him so they could fess up about their before-school rendezvous?
‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack.
A bunch of Year 10s walked past. ‘Hey, it’s Jack Spankley!’ one of them shouted.
Jack did his best to ignore them. ‘I mean, lots of things aren’t necessarily what they look like, right?’ he said, looking at Reese and Darylyn. ‘You might see two people walking along and think “Is that person holding hands with that other person?” or you might see something else that’s totally innocent and think “Hey, is that guy touching himself inappropriately in public?” – but actually, you might be completely wrong. And that’s exactly what’s happened here. Everyone’s got it wrong.’
He was about to gesture emphatically to drive home his point, but remembered he was still holding the merkin. He leant against the lockers again to make sure it stayed hidden behind his back. ‘I mean, you don’t really believe I’d … do that in front of everyone, do you?’
‘I don’t know, Jack. Yesterday you said you were doing it for the entire holidays,’ said Darylyn.
‘Okay, fair point,’ said Jack. ‘But that was just … Look, it’s under control. It’s just a normal amount of completely non-public masturbation, the same as any other teenage male who has definitely hit puberty. I promise. Cross my heart.’
Reese and Darylyn stared at him expectantly. Jack stood where he was, leaning against the lockers, not moving.
‘Dude, are you crossing your fingers behind your back?’
‘No!’ said Jack.
Reese shrugged. ‘Well, whatever.’ He looked down at Darylyn, then back at Jack. ‘Look, this is kind of awkward. But there’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you. Me and Darylyn, that is. Anyway … before the holidays, we kind of … well, we realised –’
‘We realised we have feelings of affection for each other,’ said Darylyn. ‘Strong. Affection.’
‘Oh,’ said Jack. It felt like the time he’d pretended to be surprised when he opened the Xbox he’d seen in his mum’s cupboard two weeks before Christmas. ‘Well … congratulations? And … thanks for telling me, I guess?’
‘I told you he’d be weird about it,’ Reese muttered.
‘I’m not!’ said Jack. ‘Seriously. I’ve just had a pretty intense morning, okay? I think Mr Trench tried to recruit me into some kind of wildman cult. And possibly the army.’ He paused. ‘Wait, you thought I’d be weird about it?’
Reese looked uncomfortable. ‘It doesn’t matter –’
‘Jack?’ came Vivi’s voice down the corridor. Sampson was with her, looking excited about the front row seats he’d scored to yet another performance of the Jack Sprigley humiliation stage spectacular. ‘What the hell was that back there? Could you really not wait until Ditz-stagio had finished her speech? Seriously?’
‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack. He had to admit it didn’t sound any more convincing the second time around. Feeling under attack, he tried to back further away, forgetting he was already fully pressed against the lockers.
‘No?’ snorted Sampson. ‘You’re actually not an uncontrollable gherkin-jerker?’
Jack had to hold himself back from flipping
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