Star Hunters by Jo Clayton Page B

existed only in her head. “Well?” She touched her face, then crossed her arm over her breasts and closed her eyes.
    Harskari’s amber eyes seemed to retreat and the lines of her face grew hazy. Then other eyes opened. Purple eyes in an elfin face surrounded by flyaway red-gold curls. Shadith the poet-singer. And black eyes in a rugged scarred face. Swardheld Weaponmaster.
    â€œI think it’s time.” Harskari’s voice was taut with distaste. The others nodded.
    With her eyes closed Aleytys saw them standing as if in a dim room with guessed-at walls lost in deep shadow. The three were watching her. She had a sense of being on trial. “What is this?”
    Shadith and Swardheld glanced at Harskari then retreated into shadow. Harskari’s eyes narrowed. “Aleytys,” she said, “we’ve been with you for over five years now.”
    â€œWhat can any of us do about that?”
    â€œIf I knew.…” A narrow, dark hand lifted and fell, a quick expression of her frustration. “I’m only an approximation of what I was.” Another swift pass of her hand wiped this away. “We wish to make sure that the damage we do to you is minimized.”
    â€œDamage?” Aleytys frowned and shook her head. “I don’t understand. We are friends. Aren’t we?” She swallowed. “We’ve talked a lot the past few years.”
    â€œWeen you needed us.” The golden-eyed sorceress did not soften her grim expression.
    â€œThere were times when I’d have gone crazy without someone to talk to, someone I didn’t have to.…”
    â€œDidn’t have to pretend courtesy and calm with, didn’t have to protect yourself from when you couldn’t endure the sight and feel of yourself.”
    â€œYou helped me.”
    â€œYou turned us off and on like your vid set.”
    â€œNo, it wasn’t like that.…”
    â€œWe were your crutch. You didn’t need to go out and exert yourself or expose your weaknesses and your ugliness to people who might reject or ridicule you. You didn’t need to let yourself be vulnerable. We were there. As you said, we were always there.” Harskari sighed and relaxed. Her image wavered, then she smiled.
    Aleytys felt a warmth flow through her body as she responded to the smile. She started to sit up, thinking the scolding had ended.
    Harskari sighed again. “I like you, Aleytys. If we’d met another way, we might really have been friends.” The amber eyes moved to meet purple and black. “Perhaps that’s true for all of us. Nevertheless, we have seriously damaged you in spite of our good will. Remember what you shouted at Grey that last time you quarreled?”
    I don’t need you, I don’t need anybody . The memory hung between them for a moment, then Aleytys said, “I was angry, I didn’t really mean it.”
    â€œEven if you didn’t mean it, you wanted it to be true. You’re terrified of depending on anyone you can’t control. And we’ve pampered that terror.” Harskari looked rueful. “We enjoyed too much our talks with you. We enjoyed too much experiencing life again through you. We encouraged you to depend on us.”
    â€œThere was so much I had no way of knowing, so many situations I simply couldn’t cope with.”
    â€œExactly. So much you couldn’t cope with.” Harskari’s amber eyes sparkled with annoyance. “On Jaydugar you took your first steps from the womb of your childhood. You survived many difficulties on your own. Then.…” She sighed, her eyes went dull. “Then we came. After a while it was easier for you to lean on us, to let us pick up after you like overindulgent parents. Instead of continuing to mature, you retreated to the safety of your childhood where there was always someone to protect you from the consequences of your errors and stupidities.”
    Aleytys