whatever I had expected from today, this wasn’t it. I thought she would complain, lecture, reprimand. I didn’t think that she would simply truncate my dream. I’m struggling to hold my tears in check, but this woman will not make me cry. When I find my voice, I ask, ‘But why?’
She purses those hideous lips. ‘I’m not really sure that you’re cut out for this. Your work is always late. You’re always late. When you do deliver the required projects, they aren’t really up to scratch.’
‘I’ve been here a few weeks,’ I plead. ‘How can you tell yet? I’ve been out of full-time education for years. It may just be taking me longer to get into it than the other students.’ I could be the tortoise to their hares. I can’t be worse than any of those kids, I think. I can’t. Really, I can’t. ‘On top of everything, I have a job to hold down and my daughter to look after.’
‘This only makes me think that you won’t be able to manage at all when the pressure is really on.’
I’m speechless.
‘Do you think I should make allowances for you? When everyone else is coping quite nicely, you think you should be a special case?’
Yes, I want to say. Isn’t that the point of your job? Aren’t you here to help me when it’s all going tits up? You should understand, more than anyone, that I’m trying my best and this is probably more important, more critical to me than any of the other youngsters who have much more of their lives left to make mistakes, to realise their ambitions.
‘I can arrange for a refund for you for the rest of your fees,’ she says without warmth. ‘That’s the best I can offer.’
‘Don’t I have the right to appeal?’ What I mean is, can’t someone in this college help me? I can’t only be at the mercy of this woman who has clearly decided to get rid of me simply because she can. Because she’s bitter and twisted. Because she has some point to prove.
‘I’m afraid not.’ My tutor closes the folder in front of her that bears my name.
I’m history. Just like that. She stands up. I’m to be dismissed.
‘One day you’ll thank me for this. I’m doing you a favour, Nell. Perhaps you need to rethink your plans. I simply think you aren’t good enough to make it in this world.’
That cuts me to the quick. I am good enough. I’m sure that I am.
‘I can prove that I am.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Everyone deserves a second chance.’
But as she ushers me to the door, it seems that Amelia Fallon is unmoved.
Chapter 16
In a daze, I walk out of the college. For hours I wander about aimlessly trying to get my head straight and failing. My dreams, before they even got off the ground, have crashed and burned round my ears. Up by the busy library, I sit alone in the small and pretty Physic Garden that’s right next door. I sometimes come to this place with Petal after we’ve collected new books for her to read. We both love it here. It’s a quiet little oasis in the bustling town centre. I’m surrounded by plants that are supposed to heal or provide succour – lavender, chamomile, St John’s wort. Today, they do nothing for me. I crush some lavender in my hand and breathe in the scent. Pretty, but my mind remains in turmoil. The wind whips up and I get so cold that my bones start to freeze and my brain goes numb. So I move on again.
I don’t really know where I’m going, but I eventually find myself outside Live and Let Fry just as they are about to close up after lunchtime service, which is just as well as I don’t want to go home while I’m in this state.
My eyes are raw from crying and I stumble inside. Constance is wiping down the tables and as soon as she sees me, she abandons her cloth and takes me in her arms.
‘Nell, love,’ she says, frowning. ‘What on earth is the matter?’
‘College,’ I sob. ‘I’ve been thrown off my course.’
‘Oh my goodness,’ she says, hand going to her heart. ‘Is that all? I thought
She purses those hideous lips. ‘I’m not really sure that you’re cut out for this. Your work is always late. You’re always late. When you do deliver the required projects, they aren’t really up to scratch.’
‘I’ve been here a few weeks,’ I plead. ‘How can you tell yet? I’ve been out of full-time education for years. It may just be taking me longer to get into it than the other students.’ I could be the tortoise to their hares. I can’t be worse than any of those kids, I think. I can’t. Really, I can’t. ‘On top of everything, I have a job to hold down and my daughter to look after.’
‘This only makes me think that you won’t be able to manage at all when the pressure is really on.’
I’m speechless.
‘Do you think I should make allowances for you? When everyone else is coping quite nicely, you think you should be a special case?’
Yes, I want to say. Isn’t that the point of your job? Aren’t you here to help me when it’s all going tits up? You should understand, more than anyone, that I’m trying my best and this is probably more important, more critical to me than any of the other youngsters who have much more of their lives left to make mistakes, to realise their ambitions.
‘I can arrange for a refund for you for the rest of your fees,’ she says without warmth. ‘That’s the best I can offer.’
‘Don’t I have the right to appeal?’ What I mean is, can’t someone in this college help me? I can’t only be at the mercy of this woman who has clearly decided to get rid of me simply because she can. Because she’s bitter and twisted. Because she has some point to prove.
‘I’m afraid not.’ My tutor closes the folder in front of her that bears my name.
I’m history. Just like that. She stands up. I’m to be dismissed.
‘One day you’ll thank me for this. I’m doing you a favour, Nell. Perhaps you need to rethink your plans. I simply think you aren’t good enough to make it in this world.’
That cuts me to the quick. I am good enough. I’m sure that I am.
‘I can prove that I am.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Everyone deserves a second chance.’
But as she ushers me to the door, it seems that Amelia Fallon is unmoved.
Chapter 16
In a daze, I walk out of the college. For hours I wander about aimlessly trying to get my head straight and failing. My dreams, before they even got off the ground, have crashed and burned round my ears. Up by the busy library, I sit alone in the small and pretty Physic Garden that’s right next door. I sometimes come to this place with Petal after we’ve collected new books for her to read. We both love it here. It’s a quiet little oasis in the bustling town centre. I’m surrounded by plants that are supposed to heal or provide succour – lavender, chamomile, St John’s wort. Today, they do nothing for me. I crush some lavender in my hand and breathe in the scent. Pretty, but my mind remains in turmoil. The wind whips up and I get so cold that my bones start to freeze and my brain goes numb. So I move on again.
I don’t really know where I’m going, but I eventually find myself outside Live and Let Fry just as they are about to close up after lunchtime service, which is just as well as I don’t want to go home while I’m in this state.
My eyes are raw from crying and I stumble inside. Constance is wiping down the tables and as soon as she sees me, she abandons her cloth and takes me in her arms.
‘Nell, love,’ she says, frowning. ‘What on earth is the matter?’
‘College,’ I sob. ‘I’ve been thrown off my course.’
‘Oh my goodness,’ she says, hand going to her heart. ‘Is that all? I thought
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