Super Sad True Love Story: A Novel by Gary Shteyngart Page B

beautiful supermodel or some really smart but sexy Mediawhore. Someone he really deserved instead of this fucked-up girl like me.
    I got another GlobalTeens from my mom saying basically my dad was at it again. Sally had to sleep in the guest room upstairs and mom had to sleep in the basement, because when he gets really drunk he can’t really handle stairs, or at least you have a lot of warning when he does.
    I tried to get Sally to tell me what’s going on but she only said something weak, like Mom spoiled the tofu and dad’s practice has been empty, so it’s mom’s fault, or it’s his patients’ fault, or anyone’s fault but his. Anyway, I’ve been looking at cheap air tickets, because as much as I love spending that bastard’s money here, I know I’m responsible for what happens to Sally and mom.
    I think a part of me is falling in love with Ben, but I know it can’t happen, because another, sick part of me thinks that my dad is always going to be the only man for me. Whenever something wonderful happens with Ben I suddenly start to think of all the good things my DAD did and I start to MISS him. You know like he always helped out poor Mexicans when he had his practice in California and if they didn’t have insurance, which was basically always, he would just do their feet for free. I mean what if I’m the bad daughter for leaving him and going all the way to Europe? God, I’m sorry for all this verbal diarrhea. Hey, remember when we lived in Long Beach and you would sleep over? Remember my mom would wake us up at like seven in the morning the next day yelling “Iiiireo-na! Iiiireo-na! Early bird gets worm!” I miss you so much, Precious Pony.
    GRILLBITCH
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
    Dear Precious Panda,
    Sup, betch? I got your message just as I was getting out of the car at the JuicyPussy in Topanga and I was way sad the whole time. One of the salesladies even verballed me if I were okay and I told her I was “thinking” and she was like “why?”
    I don’t know what to tell you. I guess parents can be really disappointing but their the only parents we have. I mean we kind of have to respect them no matter what and if they do hurtful things we should try to getout of their way and be even ten times more loving. I wish you had an older brother like I do because he takes the brunt of everything in our family. It must suck to be the older sister in a family with no mails.
    Anyway, as for Ben, I think you are definately doing things just right! He doesn’t know it’s all because of your inner turmoil, he thinks you’re just a real tough slut and that he has to work super extra hard to get you. Does his dick kinda curve down and to the side a little? Gopher’s does (he’s gotten his PhD—his Pretty Huge Dick!) and I was wondering if that was the case with all white boys, the curving. See what a virgin I am? Ha ha.
    You know you can verbal me anytime day or night. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing half the time anyways, but I’m so glad that we can confide in each other, because the world sometimes feels so, like, I can’t even describe it. It’s like I’m floating around and the moment anyone gets near me or I get near anyone there’s just this STATIC. Sometimes people verbal me and I just look at their mouth and it’s like WHAT? What are you saying to me? How am I supposed to even verbal back and does it even matter what comes out? I mean, at least you got up and left home and went to ROME! Who does that? BTW, do they sell this brand of pop-off sheer panties called TotalSurrender in Italy? I think they’re from Milan but I can’t even find them on TeenyBoppers or AssLuxury. If they have navy blue I’ll pay you back, I swear. You know my size, slut. I miss you so much too, Precious Panda. Come back to sunny Cali! I think I get crotch itch when I’m on the pill. What is UP with that?

JUNE 7

    CHUNG.WON.PARK
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
    Eunhee,
    How are you today. I hope you do not worry