the baby; I haven’t told Joe either, there’s no reason to. He won’t find out the usual way, there aren’t any pictures of it peering out from a crib or a window or through the bars of a playpen in my bureau drawer or my billfold where he could stumble across them and act astonished or outraged or sad. I have to behave as though it doesn’t exist, because for me it can’t, it was taken away from me, exported, deported. A section of my own life, sliced off from me like a Siamese twin, my own flesh cancelled. Lapse, relapse, I have to forget.
The trail’s winding now through high ground where there are boulders coming up out of the earth, carried and dropped by glaciers, moss on them and ferns, it’s a damp climate. I keep my eyes on the ground, names reappearing, wintergreen, wild mint, Indian cucumber; at one time I could list every plant here that could be used or eaten. I memorized survival manuals, How To Stay Alive in the Bush, Animal Tracks and Signs, The Woods in Winter , at the age when the ones in the city were reading True Romance magazines: it wasn’t till then I realized it was in fact possible to lose your way. Maxims float up: always carry matches and you will not starve, in a snowstorm dig a hole, avoid unclassified mushrooms, your hands and feet are the most important, if they freeze you’re finished. Worthless knowledge; the pulp magazines with their cautionary tales, maidens who give in and get punished with mongoloid infants, fractured spines, dead mothers or men stolen by their best friends would have been more practical.
The trail dips down and across a swamp inlet at the tip of a bay, cedars here and bullrushes, blueflags, ooze. I go slowly, looking for footprints. There’s nothing but a deer track, no sign of anyone: apparently Paul and the searchers didn’t make it this far. The mosquitoes have scented us and swarm around our heads; Joe swears gently, David loudly, at the end of the line I hear Anna slapping.
We swing away from the shore and here it’s a jungle, branches growing in across the path, hazel and moose maple, pithy junk trees. Sight is blocked two feet in, trunks and leaves a solid interlocking fence, green, green-grey, greybrown. None of the branches is chopped or broken back, if he’s been here he’s gone miraculously around and between them rather than through. I stand aside and David hacks at the wall with his machete, not very well; he tatters and bends rather than slicing.
We come up against a tree fallen across the trail. It’s brought several young balsams down with it: they lie tangled together, logjam. “I don’t think anyone’s been through here,” I say, and Joe says “Right on,” he’s annoyed: it’s obvious. I peer into the forest to see if another trail has been cut around the windfall but there’s no sign; or there are too many signs, since I’m anxious every opening between two trees looks like a path.
David prods at the dead trunk with the machete, poking holes in the bark. Joe sits down on the ground: he’s breathing hard, too much city, and the flies are getting to him, he scratches his neck and the backs of his hands. “I guess that’s it,” I say because I have to be the one to confess defeat, and Anna says “Thank god, they’re eating me alive.”
We start back. He could still be in there somewhere but I see now the impossibility of searching the island for him, it’s two miles long. It would take twenty or thirty men at least, strung out at intervals and walking straight through the forest, and even then they could miss him, dead or alive, accident or suicide or murder. Or if for some unfathomable reason he’s chosen this absence and is hiding, they’d never find him: there would be nothing easier in this country than to let the searchers get ahead of you and then follow at a distance, stopping when they stop, keeping them in sight so that no matter which way they turned you would always be behind them. That’s what I would
The trail’s winding now through high ground where there are boulders coming up out of the earth, carried and dropped by glaciers, moss on them and ferns, it’s a damp climate. I keep my eyes on the ground, names reappearing, wintergreen, wild mint, Indian cucumber; at one time I could list every plant here that could be used or eaten. I memorized survival manuals, How To Stay Alive in the Bush, Animal Tracks and Signs, The Woods in Winter , at the age when the ones in the city were reading True Romance magazines: it wasn’t till then I realized it was in fact possible to lose your way. Maxims float up: always carry matches and you will not starve, in a snowstorm dig a hole, avoid unclassified mushrooms, your hands and feet are the most important, if they freeze you’re finished. Worthless knowledge; the pulp magazines with their cautionary tales, maidens who give in and get punished with mongoloid infants, fractured spines, dead mothers or men stolen by their best friends would have been more practical.
The trail dips down and across a swamp inlet at the tip of a bay, cedars here and bullrushes, blueflags, ooze. I go slowly, looking for footprints. There’s nothing but a deer track, no sign of anyone: apparently Paul and the searchers didn’t make it this far. The mosquitoes have scented us and swarm around our heads; Joe swears gently, David loudly, at the end of the line I hear Anna slapping.
We swing away from the shore and here it’s a jungle, branches growing in across the path, hazel and moose maple, pithy junk trees. Sight is blocked two feet in, trunks and leaves a solid interlocking fence, green, green-grey, greybrown. None of the branches is chopped or broken back, if he’s been here he’s gone miraculously around and between them rather than through. I stand aside and David hacks at the wall with his machete, not very well; he tatters and bends rather than slicing.
We come up against a tree fallen across the trail. It’s brought several young balsams down with it: they lie tangled together, logjam. “I don’t think anyone’s been through here,” I say, and Joe says “Right on,” he’s annoyed: it’s obvious. I peer into the forest to see if another trail has been cut around the windfall but there’s no sign; or there are too many signs, since I’m anxious every opening between two trees looks like a path.
David prods at the dead trunk with the machete, poking holes in the bark. Joe sits down on the ground: he’s breathing hard, too much city, and the flies are getting to him, he scratches his neck and the backs of his hands. “I guess that’s it,” I say because I have to be the one to confess defeat, and Anna says “Thank god, they’re eating me alive.”
We start back. He could still be in there somewhere but I see now the impossibility of searching the island for him, it’s two miles long. It would take twenty or thirty men at least, strung out at intervals and walking straight through the forest, and even then they could miss him, dead or alive, accident or suicide or murder. Or if for some unfathomable reason he’s chosen this absence and is hiding, they’d never find him: there would be nothing easier in this country than to let the searchers get ahead of you and then follow at a distance, stopping when they stop, keeping them in sight so that no matter which way they turned you would always be behind them. That’s what I would
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