Tales from the Land of Ooo by Max Brallier, Stephen Reed Page A

Skeleton Waiter,” Jake said, grabbing handfuls of food and shoving them in his mouth.
    “Did you hear that?” Finn whispered to Jake. “He said
serving you
.”
    “Yeah, bro, that’s what waiters do,” Jake said between bites. “Jeez. We gotta get you out more.”
    “
I know what waiters do!
But that monster maître d’ made it sound like he was going to be serving us! Like
serving US
. I think we’re on the menu! Skin salads or something, dude!”
    “Chill out and dig in, buddy,” Jake said, jamming more food into his mouth. “Wait! Dude, I
just
got that!
Shoveling
food means you’re
digging
in. Like shovels dig? In the earth? What a meal, man. We’re eating exotic cuisine
and
catching knowledge.”
    Finn sighed and reached for an appetizer. But when he saw what it was, he just about vommed. “There’s no meat on these bones! These are just, like,
bones
.”
    “Oh, just eat it, man. You don’t want to offend our hosts,” Jake said, sucking sloppily on a bone. “Besides, this is primo bone.”
    Just then, Skeleton Chef came out of the cottage. He stood at the end of the table and announced to Jake, Finn, and the rest of the skeleton gang, “I am proud to reveal the main course. For dinner, I shall be serving…”
    Everyone waited with bated breath. Well, the two guys that breathed at least: Finn and Jake.
    “A couple of meatballs! And from the looks of them, they are going to be
quite delicious
,” Skeleton Chef said, staring directly at Finn and Jake through hollow coal-black eye sockets.
    “I have a bad feeling about—” Finn started.
    “MEATBALLS?” Jake shrieked. “I
loooooooove
meatballs. I am beyond pumped to participate in this skeletal meatball meal.”
    “Jake!”
Finn whispered. “
We’re
a couple of meatballs! I’m telling you—any second, they’re gonna cook us up, dude!”
    “Oh, stop being so suspicious and crazy. Here, try a mozzarella finger bone.”
    “No!” Finn said, slapping away the cheesy metacarpal. “If I’m crazy, then why are those guys staring at us like that?”
    “What guys?”
    “Dude,
THOSE GUYS
!”

    “Oh,” Jake said. “They probably just think we’re awesome and wanna be like us, so they’re watching us carefully and closely so they can study us and stuff.”
    “Hmm…,” Finn said, thinking. “That does make sense.”
    “Flippin’-A right it does,” Jake said, reaching for another bone.
    Finn shook his head. “But no. No! I’m telling you, we need to get out of here, like, right now, yesterday time.”
    “Shh, shh,” Jake said, hushing Finn. “Look, Skeleton Waiter is coming. I think it’s time for the main course!”
    Finn looked up to see Skeleton Waiter stepping out of the small cottage. “Fellow skeletons, it is now time for the main course. I hope you’re all ready to eat…OUR TWO HEROES!”
    “
Ahhh!
That’s IT!” Finn yelled. He reached over, slapped the bone out of Jake’s mouth, and sent Jake sprawling to the ground.
    “We are OUT OF HERE! Serving us! Two meatballs! Eating two heroes. They are one hundred percent talking about us, dude! I flippin’ told you!”
    “Oh man!” Jake said. “Stupid hunger pangs manipulated my judgment again!”
    “I’ll bust your chops,” Finn said, grabbing Jake.
    The duo sprinted into the woods, running as fast as they could.

    Back at the table, a single tear dropped from Skeleton Chef’s eye socket as he lifted the lid off his serving platter, revealing two piping-hot meatball hoagies.
    “I guess they didn’t want to try these two delicious meatball heroes…”
    THE END!

AN EXCERPT FROM
I WROTE ANOTHER BOOK!
BY LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS
    To my LUMPS. I owe all my fabulous success to them.
    Hi, gals and pals! Thanks for
reading.
My book editor—who is not all that lumping great—said my last book,
I Wrote a Book
(buy it today!!!) lacked “meaningful content.” I don’t even know what that LUMPING MEANS, but whatevs.

    So this stupid editor was all like, “We’re going