That Night by Chevy Stevens Page B

but we need the work, the lawyer bills, all the expenses . And another part of me died with guilt. Dad had reassured me over and over again. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be okay . Now justice had been served in the eyes of everyone in town, and my parents were getting work again. Everyone was moving on, except me.
    Dad started chatting about one of the new houses he was building while Mom fiddled with her shirt and nodded once in a while, agreeing or adding a bit of information. They could’ve been at a dinner party, making conversation with a stranger. I was just as bad. I told them my new roommate was okay and I was settling in. I had no intention of joining any of the programs but I mentioned a couple, wanting to make them think I was focused on the future. I was finally being the responsible daughter they’d wanted. I tried to sound upbeat and positive, anything to make my dad’s shoulders ease down from where he was holding them around his neck—the way he’d been holding them for over a year.
    Dad bought some chips and Cokes from the vending machine, and we shared them as we talked. Mom only nibbled on the corners and took tiny sips of her drink. The chips were dry in my own mouth, the carbonated liquid getting trapped in my throat, the sugar giving me a headache. I wished I had a cigarette.
    They didn’t stay long, only a couple of hours. Then Mom looked at her watch, said, “We should get going … the ferry traffic, and you have to do that estimate tonight.” She glanced at Dad, and something was exchanged, some signal. She had come here for Dad, I saw it clearly now. He had made her come.
    I met my dad’s eyes. “I love you, guys. Thanks for visiting—I really miss you.” The tears I’d been trying to hold back were now rolling down my face. I wiped them away quickly, before the other inmates saw me losing it.
    Dad said, “We love you too,” and turned away, blinking hard like he was trying hard not to cry too. Mom was silent beside him while he composed himself.
    “We’ll come back as soon as we can, hopefully in a couple of weeks,” he said. “Hang in there and stay strong for us, okay?”
    “I will.” I glanced at Mom and she gave me a little smile, so forced it looked painful.
    As they walked toward the exit Dad reached for Mom’s hand, but she didn’t hold it back, her hand limp in his. I remembered their raised voices behind closed doors after Nicole was murdered, how they’d retreat into silence whenever I entered the room. I’d thought my going away might help their marriage, but it seemed I was still the wedge driving them apart. I couldn’t stand thinking I’d taken something else from them that night.
    *   *   *
    After I’d been at Rockland for almost two months, Janet sat down beside me outside. I’d gotten another letter from Ryan that day and hadn’t felt like going for my run. I was just drawing circles in the dirt with my finger over and over.
    “Pinky tells me you’ve got a boyfriend on the men’s side,” Janet said. “He was your codefendant?”
    “Yeah.” I kept drawing circles.
    “Girl, you can do easy time, or you can do hard time. Those letters you’re always writing, they just screw with your head.”
    “I need him.”
    “Things go a lot better in here if you don’t have anything left to miss on the outside. This is your world now, your home.”
    My finger paused. “This isn’t my home.”
    “Yeah, it is, kid. And you thinking you ain’t one of us, pretending and hoping like the guards are going to open up your cell one day so you can bounce out of here, is just making shit harder for yourself. You’re not going anywhere for a long time. And you’re not doing him any favors either. Men, they like to fix shit. If you’re sobbing to him, that’s going to make him go insane.”
    “It’s not like that with us.”
    “Just ask yourself if you feel better or worse after you get a letter from him.” She stood up. “It’s probably the