one time I was cooking dinner and Jennifer came up to me with the darndest thing. She was about three at the time. She comes up to me when I’m stirring the marinara, tugs on my dress, and tells me straight up that she’s the boss of the house now. She had her hands on her hips and everything.”
“That’s cute,” Savannah said. “But Richard was literally a demon child. He would run around and scream bloody murder until ten, eleven at night. He would piss and shit himself on purpose at the most inopportune times.”
“Like when?” Gloria asked.
Savannah leaned over the center bus aisle and cupped her hand over her mouth. “Church,” she whispered.
“Oh my.”
“That’s not half of it. He would poop himself and when we would take him out to the car for a diaper change, he would scream and holler vile profanities, invoking the name of Satan, and taking the Lord’s name in vain.”
“Oh my Lord,” Gloria said. “Where was all this coming from?”
“Well we told Pastor Bob what was going on. What he said was...”
A loud bang stole the two ladies from their conversation. The bus slowed to a halt.
“Oh hell,” Chris said. “The bus has a flat.”
“There’s no need to swear,” Gloria said.
Savannah rubbed her husband’s shoulder. “Honey, step out there and see what’s wrong.”
“Attention campers!” Jacob said. “It looks like the bus has a flat tire. I want everybody to be on their best behavior while Brother Chris and I figure out what to do. In fact, this is a great opportunity for y’all to study up on the word. Open up to Zechariah 14. It’s tough reading, but definitely puts things in perspective.”
Jacob stepped out of the bus to assess the situation. Chris just shook his head and followed along. The two men noticed right away that this wasn’t just a single flat tire. Both front tires were blown out. Jacob walked to the back left of the bus, and Chris to the rear right.
“They’re goners,” Chris said.
“I’ll be,” Jacob said. “I’ve never in my days seen six tires blow at once.”
“Well fuck me Jesus,” Chris said. “It’s a hundred degrees out here in the shade. The last farmhouse was five, six miles back.”
“Somebody will come by,” Jacob said. “We’ll flag them down. Chipper up, Chris. This is a small obstacle for the Lord to remove. Have faith.”
“I’m done with faith. I’ve had enough.”
Jacob walked over to Chris and put his hand on his shoulder. “Let us pray.”
Chris stepped back and pushed Jacob’s hand away. “You’re thirty five years old and still believe in that imaginary bullshit. Drop the act, man. God’s not gonna help us. God doesn’t give two shits about this flat tire. There are starving kids in bumfuck Africa. Mothers are getting blown up in Syria. Shit, even in our own damn country you’ve got shootings and rapes and hunger. The Lord doesn’t step in for any of it. So cut the shit, Jake. You’re not fooling anybody.”
Jacob was unmoved. “You’re in despair. Satan has hold of your heart. Let us dispel the wickedness and set you free. Father, who art in heaven--.”
Chris started waving his arms. “Stop, stop, stop the shit,” he said. “Listen, if you’ve gotta keep the act up in front of Savannah, I get it. She’s a hot piece of ass. She was raised proper. I get it man. I would do the same. But we’re out here in the middle of bumfuck Kansas and all six of these tires are popped. Now let’s start using our damned brains here.”
Chris folded his arms across his chest and paced back and forth. The muggy Kansas air enveloped him like a blanket. Sweat gathered at the ridge of his brow. He looked anxious. He could smell something off in the air. It wasn’t the corn, the amber wheat, or the cows in the barn. He smelled danger. He smelled death.
Jacob looked up the road. “We ran over something.”
“Yeah? No shit?” Chris said. He shook his head, and looked back up the road. They did run over
“That’s cute,” Savannah said. “But Richard was literally a demon child. He would run around and scream bloody murder until ten, eleven at night. He would piss and shit himself on purpose at the most inopportune times.”
“Like when?” Gloria asked.
Savannah leaned over the center bus aisle and cupped her hand over her mouth. “Church,” she whispered.
“Oh my.”
“That’s not half of it. He would poop himself and when we would take him out to the car for a diaper change, he would scream and holler vile profanities, invoking the name of Satan, and taking the Lord’s name in vain.”
“Oh my Lord,” Gloria said. “Where was all this coming from?”
“Well we told Pastor Bob what was going on. What he said was...”
A loud bang stole the two ladies from their conversation. The bus slowed to a halt.
“Oh hell,” Chris said. “The bus has a flat.”
“There’s no need to swear,” Gloria said.
Savannah rubbed her husband’s shoulder. “Honey, step out there and see what’s wrong.”
“Attention campers!” Jacob said. “It looks like the bus has a flat tire. I want everybody to be on their best behavior while Brother Chris and I figure out what to do. In fact, this is a great opportunity for y’all to study up on the word. Open up to Zechariah 14. It’s tough reading, but definitely puts things in perspective.”
Jacob stepped out of the bus to assess the situation. Chris just shook his head and followed along. The two men noticed right away that this wasn’t just a single flat tire. Both front tires were blown out. Jacob walked to the back left of the bus, and Chris to the rear right.
“They’re goners,” Chris said.
“I’ll be,” Jacob said. “I’ve never in my days seen six tires blow at once.”
“Well fuck me Jesus,” Chris said. “It’s a hundred degrees out here in the shade. The last farmhouse was five, six miles back.”
“Somebody will come by,” Jacob said. “We’ll flag them down. Chipper up, Chris. This is a small obstacle for the Lord to remove. Have faith.”
“I’m done with faith. I’ve had enough.”
Jacob walked over to Chris and put his hand on his shoulder. “Let us pray.”
Chris stepped back and pushed Jacob’s hand away. “You’re thirty five years old and still believe in that imaginary bullshit. Drop the act, man. God’s not gonna help us. God doesn’t give two shits about this flat tire. There are starving kids in bumfuck Africa. Mothers are getting blown up in Syria. Shit, even in our own damn country you’ve got shootings and rapes and hunger. The Lord doesn’t step in for any of it. So cut the shit, Jake. You’re not fooling anybody.”
Jacob was unmoved. “You’re in despair. Satan has hold of your heart. Let us dispel the wickedness and set you free. Father, who art in heaven--.”
Chris started waving his arms. “Stop, stop, stop the shit,” he said. “Listen, if you’ve gotta keep the act up in front of Savannah, I get it. She’s a hot piece of ass. She was raised proper. I get it man. I would do the same. But we’re out here in the middle of bumfuck Kansas and all six of these tires are popped. Now let’s start using our damned brains here.”
Chris folded his arms across his chest and paced back and forth. The muggy Kansas air enveloped him like a blanket. Sweat gathered at the ridge of his brow. He looked anxious. He could smell something off in the air. It wasn’t the corn, the amber wheat, or the cows in the barn. He smelled danger. He smelled death.
Jacob looked up the road. “We ran over something.”
“Yeah? No shit?” Chris said. He shook his head, and looked back up the road. They did run over
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