limiting them to a
few messages a week.
I hadn’t tried to contact my parents
because I received a message from communications, confirming that my parents
would pick me up. The Eslites did a superb job of keeping my parents informed
of my grades, work status, and donor status. They knew almost everything before
I had a chance to tell them. Except for what was really going on there.
My heart stopped when I saw it was a letter
from Bryce. We had exchanged messages earlier in the week, before finals
started. Did he know I was going home? Part of me was excited because it would
be my first time returning to my family since entering Nidus nine months ago. Another
part of me felt guilty. Is it possible to be guilty without even doing anything
wrong? Unless fantasizing was wrong, I didn’t have anything to be guilty about.
I reclined on my bed with my tablet,
eager to hear Bryce’s voice through his words. Nothing brought me comfort like
reading his notes. It’s what helped me through the last nine months.
Immediately, I knew something was wrong because of the way he began the message.
I had to re-read the first few sentences because it didn’t seem real.
Miranda,
Every day I can’t help but wonder if you
will ever come home. Things… life, isn’t the same without you here. In fact,
nothing is the same without you. I imagine you walking down the halls with me,
my arm wrapped around you, and your hand hanging out the back of my jean
pocket. Then I realize that we may never get to walk down the halls together
again. As my junior year ends, and I start what should be one of the best
summers of my life, I’m forced to remember that it will be without you.
Miranda, we’ve been together since the
eighth grade, and I don’t know how to like or love anyone else but you. You are
all I know. But I can’t keep going on without you. Yet, I can’t keep going on
with you.
I stopped for a moment, unable to focus
on the screen. Shit. Did he know about what happened in Dimas’ quarters? He
couldn’t possibly know, unless Dimas told him. Damn him. He had no right. Ugh. I couldn’t wait to give Dimas a piece of my mind. I hated him more than
ever.
I studied the message, determined to
find an answer. The letters mushed together, my stomach ached to the point I
felt the acid eating at my insides, and I drowned in his words. ‘I can’t
keep going on without you, yet I can’t keep going on with you’. The meaning
was clear. He was breaking up with me.
But—why?
More confused than ever, pieces of me
lingered on the edge of remorse for obsessing over Dimas. While a huge part of
me realized that Bryce was responsible for the breakup. In the end, my
penitence resulted in me being alone? It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right. I
gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. Don’t cry. Don’t do it. I
kept repeating the words that Dad had engrained into my head since I was
little. Mays do not cry. We are strong leaders and never show weakness. It
didn’t help. Tears filled my eyes, blurring everything.
I dropped my tablet to the bed and
buried my face in my pillow. It hurt so badly, and no matter how hard I tried,
I couldn’t stop the pangs deep inside my heart. I hated that I needed him. I
hated that I couldn’t live without him. Didn’t he know that he was the reason I
lived and fought? What kept me sane in that hellhole for the past nine months?
Damn it. Why did he have a part of me that I wished I didn’t need?
“Miranda? What’s wrong?” Kate shook me,
trying to get me to turn around.
I hated not being strong enough to
handle the situation. I curled my body into a tight ball. The last thing I
wanted was for her to see me break. I had to be strong for her, Gaby, Aliah,
and everyone else, including myself. I couldn’t let her know that Bryce, the
core of my strength, had broken me in half, and he didn’t even know it.
“Miranda, please.” Kate begged me to
answer her. For some reason I couldn’t. I wanted
few messages a week.
I hadn’t tried to contact my parents
because I received a message from communications, confirming that my parents
would pick me up. The Eslites did a superb job of keeping my parents informed
of my grades, work status, and donor status. They knew almost everything before
I had a chance to tell them. Except for what was really going on there.
My heart stopped when I saw it was a letter
from Bryce. We had exchanged messages earlier in the week, before finals
started. Did he know I was going home? Part of me was excited because it would
be my first time returning to my family since entering Nidus nine months ago. Another
part of me felt guilty. Is it possible to be guilty without even doing anything
wrong? Unless fantasizing was wrong, I didn’t have anything to be guilty about.
I reclined on my bed with my tablet,
eager to hear Bryce’s voice through his words. Nothing brought me comfort like
reading his notes. It’s what helped me through the last nine months.
Immediately, I knew something was wrong because of the way he began the message.
I had to re-read the first few sentences because it didn’t seem real.
Miranda,
Every day I can’t help but wonder if you
will ever come home. Things… life, isn’t the same without you here. In fact,
nothing is the same without you. I imagine you walking down the halls with me,
my arm wrapped around you, and your hand hanging out the back of my jean
pocket. Then I realize that we may never get to walk down the halls together
again. As my junior year ends, and I start what should be one of the best
summers of my life, I’m forced to remember that it will be without you.
Miranda, we’ve been together since the
eighth grade, and I don’t know how to like or love anyone else but you. You are
all I know. But I can’t keep going on without you. Yet, I can’t keep going on
with you.
I stopped for a moment, unable to focus
on the screen. Shit. Did he know about what happened in Dimas’ quarters? He
couldn’t possibly know, unless Dimas told him. Damn him. He had no right. Ugh. I couldn’t wait to give Dimas a piece of my mind. I hated him more than
ever.
I studied the message, determined to
find an answer. The letters mushed together, my stomach ached to the point I
felt the acid eating at my insides, and I drowned in his words. ‘I can’t
keep going on without you, yet I can’t keep going on with you’. The meaning
was clear. He was breaking up with me.
But—why?
More confused than ever, pieces of me
lingered on the edge of remorse for obsessing over Dimas. While a huge part of
me realized that Bryce was responsible for the breakup. In the end, my
penitence resulted in me being alone? It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right. I
gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. Don’t cry. Don’t do it. I
kept repeating the words that Dad had engrained into my head since I was
little. Mays do not cry. We are strong leaders and never show weakness. It
didn’t help. Tears filled my eyes, blurring everything.
I dropped my tablet to the bed and
buried my face in my pillow. It hurt so badly, and no matter how hard I tried,
I couldn’t stop the pangs deep inside my heart. I hated that I needed him. I
hated that I couldn’t live without him. Didn’t he know that he was the reason I
lived and fought? What kept me sane in that hellhole for the past nine months?
Damn it. Why did he have a part of me that I wished I didn’t need?
“Miranda? What’s wrong?” Kate shook me,
trying to get me to turn around.
I hated not being strong enough to
handle the situation. I curled my body into a tight ball. The last thing I
wanted was for her to see me break. I had to be strong for her, Gaby, Aliah,
and everyone else, including myself. I couldn’t let her know that Bryce, the
core of my strength, had broken me in half, and he didn’t even know it.
“Miranda, please.” Kate begged me to
answer her. For some reason I couldn’t. I wanted
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