shoulder.
‘I’m sorry.I couldn’t think of any other way but to – tell you.’
‘Oh, it’s the only way.’
‘Yes.’
She sat down and poured them both more coffee. Waited. A small breeze rustled the bushes.
‘What did Dr Deerbon say? What has to be done?’
‘A scan. I see the neurologist. But Dr Deerbon knew. And I knew the minute she ruled out both arthritis and MS. Then, as soon as I got home, I looked up the symptoms.’
‘Mother …’ A flash of the usual Penny.
‘I know, I know. I’m not a fool.’
‘It’s the worst thing I can imagine. Worse than cancer, worse than – anything. I knew a brief with it when I was a student. He taught us for a couple of terms, constitutional law, he was brilliant. Just a couple of terms.’
‘Drink your coffee.’
‘I’ll move back here of course.’
‘You will do no such thing.’
‘We won’t argue.’
‘We will argue.’
‘Of course I must.’
‘Neither of us could stand it, as you well know. Besides …’
‘Well, you couldn’t stand being in a home.’
‘I could not.’
‘You would hate having a stranger living in here.’
‘Yes.’
‘So …’ Penny waved a dismissive hand. The tears had stopped now. She blew her nose. Drank her coffee. ‘What’s happening to you at the moment?’
Jocelyn smiled. The cross-examination.
‘A few irritating things.’
‘Irritating?’
Jocelyn did not reply. She was trying to compose the next sentence which would somehow tell, explain, ask, defend – all in the same few words. But there were none. Penny was looking at her, eyes tearless now, the usual faintly challenging expression back, and for a second, Jocelyn thought that she would neither tell nor ask after all, would find someoneelse. Who else? She lacked courage not in the face of her decision but of her daughter’s reaction.
‘The sun’s gone,’ she said. ‘Are you cold?’
‘No. Is that a symptom? Feeling cold?’
‘I don‘t know. I suppose it may be eventually. If one can’t move …’
‘How long does it take to develop? Did the doctor say?’
‘I’ve read –’
‘Not Google. The doctor.’
‘I have to see the neurologist, I told you.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘No. You’re in the middle of this case.’
‘Well you won’t get an appointment straight away, will you? The trial will be long over.’
‘It’s this coming Wednesday.’
‘Ah. Then put it off.’
‘I don’t need you to come with me, I’m perfectly able to drive myself.’
‘To Bevham General?’
‘The Manor.’
Penny did not approve of private medicine, private health insurance, privateanything, so far as Jocelyn could see. Where had she got all that socialism from?
‘There is one thing I’d be very grateful for.’
‘Which is?’
‘Please don’t interrupt until I’ve said everything. Please hear me out.’
And Penny would. She was a good listener when she wanted to be. It came with the job.
‘At the moment, this is not bothering me very much. I’m in no pain or discomfort – it’s justtiresome. But that won’t last. The specialist will probably tell me more but I know what course it will take. I have been independent and I have enjoyed my life and what I do. The idea of old age hasn’t troubled me because I’ve assumed I would remain hale and hearty. How foolish. But now I know I won’t, I cannot face that sort of decline – cannot and will not. And while I am still able to decideand to act, I intend to do so.’
Alarm flickered across Penny’s face but she said nothing.
‘I am planning to go to Switzerland, to a clinic where I can end my own life while I still have the ability and before the worst overtakes me. I have read a lot about it and I need to read more. When I have, I’ll get in touch with them. What I have to ask you –’
Penny said very quietly. ‘I know what itis.’
‘Let me say it myself. Let me ask. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding.’
‘There won’t
‘I’m sorry.I couldn’t think of any other way but to – tell you.’
‘Oh, it’s the only way.’
‘Yes.’
She sat down and poured them both more coffee. Waited. A small breeze rustled the bushes.
‘What did Dr Deerbon say? What has to be done?’
‘A scan. I see the neurologist. But Dr Deerbon knew. And I knew the minute she ruled out both arthritis and MS. Then, as soon as I got home, I looked up the symptoms.’
‘Mother …’ A flash of the usual Penny.
‘I know, I know. I’m not a fool.’
‘It’s the worst thing I can imagine. Worse than cancer, worse than – anything. I knew a brief with it when I was a student. He taught us for a couple of terms, constitutional law, he was brilliant. Just a couple of terms.’
‘Drink your coffee.’
‘I’ll move back here of course.’
‘You will do no such thing.’
‘We won’t argue.’
‘We will argue.’
‘Of course I must.’
‘Neither of us could stand it, as you well know. Besides …’
‘Well, you couldn’t stand being in a home.’
‘I could not.’
‘You would hate having a stranger living in here.’
‘Yes.’
‘So …’ Penny waved a dismissive hand. The tears had stopped now. She blew her nose. Drank her coffee. ‘What’s happening to you at the moment?’
Jocelyn smiled. The cross-examination.
‘A few irritating things.’
‘Irritating?’
Jocelyn did not reply. She was trying to compose the next sentence which would somehow tell, explain, ask, defend – all in the same few words. But there were none. Penny was looking at her, eyes tearless now, the usual faintly challenging expression back, and for a second, Jocelyn thought that she would neither tell nor ask after all, would find someoneelse. Who else? She lacked courage not in the face of her decision but of her daughter’s reaction.
‘The sun’s gone,’ she said. ‘Are you cold?’
‘No. Is that a symptom? Feeling cold?’
‘I don‘t know. I suppose it may be eventually. If one can’t move …’
‘How long does it take to develop? Did the doctor say?’
‘I’ve read –’
‘Not Google. The doctor.’
‘I have to see the neurologist, I told you.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘No. You’re in the middle of this case.’
‘Well you won’t get an appointment straight away, will you? The trial will be long over.’
‘It’s this coming Wednesday.’
‘Ah. Then put it off.’
‘I don’t need you to come with me, I’m perfectly able to drive myself.’
‘To Bevham General?’
‘The Manor.’
Penny did not approve of private medicine, private health insurance, privateanything, so far as Jocelyn could see. Where had she got all that socialism from?
‘There is one thing I’d be very grateful for.’
‘Which is?’
‘Please don’t interrupt until I’ve said everything. Please hear me out.’
And Penny would. She was a good listener when she wanted to be. It came with the job.
‘At the moment, this is not bothering me very much. I’m in no pain or discomfort – it’s justtiresome. But that won’t last. The specialist will probably tell me more but I know what course it will take. I have been independent and I have enjoyed my life and what I do. The idea of old age hasn’t troubled me because I’ve assumed I would remain hale and hearty. How foolish. But now I know I won’t, I cannot face that sort of decline – cannot and will not. And while I am still able to decideand to act, I intend to do so.’
Alarm flickered across Penny’s face but she said nothing.
‘I am planning to go to Switzerland, to a clinic where I can end my own life while I still have the ability and before the worst overtakes me. I have read a lot about it and I need to read more. When I have, I’ll get in touch with them. What I have to ask you –’
Penny said very quietly. ‘I know what itis.’
‘Let me say it myself. Let me ask. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding.’
‘There won’t
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