The Big "O": A Romantic Comedy by H. Raven Rose Page A

distraught, there is no way that I'm shortchanging my son because his father has issues.

    ~
    Edwin's place and living room, like him, was classy and perfectly tidy.
    The décor was all frosted glass framed with silver brushed steel, pale bleached wood floors and matching book-filled shelving, rich, supple hand tooled dark brown and red leather, paintings and drawings that were obviously original works of valuable art.
    Victor, Edwin and Max sat on the couch. Max flipped channels, barely looking at Edwin’s massive 110” flat screen TV. Victor, a beer in hand, was clearly seriously hung-over and still depressed.
    “Everything okay, fella?” Edwin asked Victor kindly.
    “He ODed on booze last night. Never a good sign,” Max replied in a put on especially saddened tone of voice.
    “Fuck you,” Victor said. Max grinned and winked at Edwin. He and Victor had been best friends since forever. Had it been elementary school when they'd met? He couldn't really remember.
    “Is something wrong?” Edwin asked kindly.
    There was a long and totally awkward pause. Victor looked at the ceiling. Edwin and Max finally exchanged a glance.
    “If you don't mind, it's private, assholes,” Victor replied.
    “What is it? That crap you alluded to last night, without ever saying anything of any actual meaning?” Max asked at the same time as Edwin asked if anyone needed anything. Edwin didn't get Victor's bitter, really acerbic, sense of humor in the way that Max did. Victor had a good heart. He had a very particular personality, which wasn't well-received by everyone, yet his heart was in the right place.
    “You can trust us. Is it work?” Edwin asked in a sudden frantic rush.
    “Don’t you remember? It was something to do with his Jewels of the Nile,” Max said, “or maybe his Romancing his Stone Cold Fox.”
    “My issue, not to sound like I don't give a shit about Maxick’s aforementioned issues, of money and baby brilliance, and not to sound like I could give a fuck about your deal—meaning situation—with the ever-controlling goddess of nature and magic, heretofore in this incarnation known as your girlfriend, and not to sound uncaring of the pathos of the world at large, and humanity in specific, is that I'm a fucking failure… with my wife,” Victor said. He stared at them. They clearly did not get his meaning.
    “…I can't give Juliette the Big “O,” you assholes,” Victor clarified unhappily.
    Edwin and Max took a moment to decipher this.
    “Oh,” they said at the same time.
    “Juliette... ...she's never, uh, climaxed?” Edwin asked oh-so-carefully.
    Victor’s words were like a Jedi mind-wipe; all of Max’s own issues and concerns slipped entirely from his consciousness.
    He was shocked. How could it be that his virile, often-profane, guy's-guy, close friend, always vocal about his love of sex, who'd had his pick of the ladies since they were undergrads, be struggling in the sack? It blew Max's mind.
    “Never?” Max echoed and looked at Victor.
    “Uh, apparently, not with me,” Victor said very quietly.
    “Ever?” Max managed to inquire. He wanted to be delicate, for two reasons. One, male sexual issues could affect one’s sense of masculinity and he didn't want Vic to think he was questioning his manhood. Two, Vic could be a real hard-ass. He didn’t want to be attacked by approaching the discussion in the wrong way.
    Victor shook his head, "No."
    “Have you considered ordering in a new supply of that libido enhancing stuff?” Edwin asked. He was entirely serious.
    The guys all knew that Vic raved about the stuff, or at least he had previously.
Alpha Man Up Plus
was some kind of near-miraculous all natural hormonal sex drive enhancer.
    Victor punched Edwin in the shoulder pretty hard.
    “Not funny, fucker. I'm not the one with the fucking problem,” Victor said.
    Edwin rubbed his shoulder.
    “Vic, take ownership. A man should satisfy his wo-man,” Edwin said quietly.
    “Sometimes a woman's