without looking up, “or justout to break the Guinness World Record for lethal stupidity?” When he did look up, Lesterman flinched, and dropped half his files. “Were you paring your nails when that young zealot leapt up and volunteered to end his life for
Arthur
? Striking hard at such a fellow will only galvanize him into full-blown martyrdom! Our Enemy would love that, wouldn’t He! I’d
lose,
Lesterman! I’d lose
right out of the gate
!”
“I . . . I . . . Of course,” Lesterman stammered. “That is—I just—”
“I don’t think you’ll be needed, after all,” Lucifer observed wearily.
There was just time for pure animal terror to register on Lesterman’s face before he and all his folders vanished without sound or fanfare.
Seeing the obvious distress this caused Lesterman’s remaining teammates, Lucifer drawled, “Calm yourselves, gentlemen. I know we all abhor waste here, but Lesterman will still have ample opportunity to be of service.” He smiled unpleasantly. “Even here, folks have to eat . . . don’t they?”
His amusement soured as he noticed the chunky one called Lindwald salivating rather conspicuously at the idea of dining on Lesterman.
Oh, God,
Lucifer groaned mentally. To be free at last of these revolting maggots!
“On second thought,” he told the two remaining functionaries, “I don’t think I can endure any more of your genius just now. Someone must survive to do the footwork, after all, so I’ll just spell it out for you.
“You’re fairly new here, Williamson, but Lindwald’s been around long enough to understand how rudely we’ve been surprised on previous occasions just when we were sure of victory. Though some of those reversals seemed utterly unexplainable, I’ve never been able to
prove
the Enemy’s unlawful interference, which leaves us to assume that the devious Deity is able to anticipate our strategies impossibly far in advance—or has somehow booby-trapped virtually every aspect of creation itself. Any questions so far?”
The two damned souls shook their heads in perfect unison.
“Therefore, we must begin with meticulous observation,” Lucifer continued, “followed by patient, careful execution. During this initial phase of our campaign, the candidate must perceive our presence no more than the hare perceives the circling hawk. We must test him, but do nothing major—
nothing,
you understand—until we have grown to know his fears and insecurities as well as what he
doesn’t
fear; what he loves, and what he hates; his dreams and ambitions—especially his ambitions; his favorite and least favorite colors, foods, smells, sounds. Anything—
anything
—might tip the balance.
“That’s why you’re here, Williamson,” Lucifer continued. “My attention is required in too many places to be watching the child eat and sleep and pissat all hours. That will be your job. Report
everything
to me. I want you to dust off every least skill acquired during that illustrious career in advertising, and research this boy like you never researched any market in your lamentably brief life. Got it?”
“Yes, Sir,” Williamson replied. “When I’m finished, your biggest problem will be choosing which of the available buttons to push for the desired result, Sir.”
“That may be
your
biggest problem,” Lucifer replied. “
I
will have no problems at all. Is that understood?”
“Perfectly, Sir.”
After an uncomfortable silence, the fat one, Lindwald, cleared his throat softly, and asked, “What about me, Sir?”
“I think that you, Lindwald, may finally be ready to enter the fourth grade.”
“Quick, Sir Benjamin! Up the castle wall!”
Joby raced to scramble up the live oak tree that spread its old arms over a quarter of their backyard. “The dragon can’t get us up there. We’ll make a new plan!”
“How come it won’t get us?” Benjamin asked, racing after Joby. “Can’t it fly?”
“It broke its wing!” Joby shouted
Arthur
? Striking hard at such a fellow will only galvanize him into full-blown martyrdom! Our Enemy would love that, wouldn’t He! I’d
lose,
Lesterman! I’d lose
right out of the gate
!”
“I . . . I . . . Of course,” Lesterman stammered. “That is—I just—”
“I don’t think you’ll be needed, after all,” Lucifer observed wearily.
There was just time for pure animal terror to register on Lesterman’s face before he and all his folders vanished without sound or fanfare.
Seeing the obvious distress this caused Lesterman’s remaining teammates, Lucifer drawled, “Calm yourselves, gentlemen. I know we all abhor waste here, but Lesterman will still have ample opportunity to be of service.” He smiled unpleasantly. “Even here, folks have to eat . . . don’t they?”
His amusement soured as he noticed the chunky one called Lindwald salivating rather conspicuously at the idea of dining on Lesterman.
Oh, God,
Lucifer groaned mentally. To be free at last of these revolting maggots!
“On second thought,” he told the two remaining functionaries, “I don’t think I can endure any more of your genius just now. Someone must survive to do the footwork, after all, so I’ll just spell it out for you.
“You’re fairly new here, Williamson, but Lindwald’s been around long enough to understand how rudely we’ve been surprised on previous occasions just when we were sure of victory. Though some of those reversals seemed utterly unexplainable, I’ve never been able to
prove
the Enemy’s unlawful interference, which leaves us to assume that the devious Deity is able to anticipate our strategies impossibly far in advance—or has somehow booby-trapped virtually every aspect of creation itself. Any questions so far?”
The two damned souls shook their heads in perfect unison.
“Therefore, we must begin with meticulous observation,” Lucifer continued, “followed by patient, careful execution. During this initial phase of our campaign, the candidate must perceive our presence no more than the hare perceives the circling hawk. We must test him, but do nothing major—
nothing,
you understand—until we have grown to know his fears and insecurities as well as what he
doesn’t
fear; what he loves, and what he hates; his dreams and ambitions—especially his ambitions; his favorite and least favorite colors, foods, smells, sounds. Anything—
anything
—might tip the balance.
“That’s why you’re here, Williamson,” Lucifer continued. “My attention is required in too many places to be watching the child eat and sleep and pissat all hours. That will be your job. Report
everything
to me. I want you to dust off every least skill acquired during that illustrious career in advertising, and research this boy like you never researched any market in your lamentably brief life. Got it?”
“Yes, Sir,” Williamson replied. “When I’m finished, your biggest problem will be choosing which of the available buttons to push for the desired result, Sir.”
“That may be
your
biggest problem,” Lucifer replied. “
I
will have no problems at all. Is that understood?”
“Perfectly, Sir.”
After an uncomfortable silence, the fat one, Lindwald, cleared his throat softly, and asked, “What about me, Sir?”
“I think that you, Lindwald, may finally be ready to enter the fourth grade.”
“Quick, Sir Benjamin! Up the castle wall!”
Joby raced to scramble up the live oak tree that spread its old arms over a quarter of their backyard. “The dragon can’t get us up there. We’ll make a new plan!”
“How come it won’t get us?” Benjamin asked, racing after Joby. “Can’t it fly?”
“It broke its wing!” Joby shouted
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