they’ll be able to trace my essence now I’m no longer one of them. Either way, I know they will look for me and one day, in the not too distant future, I will be taken away from here, taken away from James. The panic hits me like a tidal wave. I wrap my arms around my legs. I don’t want to leave James. Not ever.
I’m so confused. I made a decision, the right decision, every instinct telling me I had to save James. But ironically, I saved him because I couldn’t bear to be without him and now as a result of my decision, I will one day, very soon, never again be allowed to see him.
The reality is there pinching at me, like the cold night is pinching my skin, but I’m just not ready to face the thought of leaving him, not yet anyway.
Why did James have to be scheduled to die now, only mere weeks after I find him? Then a plaguing thought hits me. Was this not a coincidence? Was God taking him now because of me? Is this punishment for my behaviour, because I feel for him, that I feel because of him?
I mentally shake myself. Of course not. How can I even think such a thing? What am I turning into too?
An ambulance comes wailing past, knocking me out of my black thoughts. I can’t think about all this now. I have to think about the here and now, have to figure how to act human in the next few hours and also what exactly I’m going to say to James as to why I was there, on that road in the middle of nowhere, late at night.
I stand up, wrap my arms around myself, the cold biting at my skin, and wonder just what exactly to do for the next five hours before I can see James again.
Chapter 5
Visiting Hour
I’m standing outside the door to James’ room.
It’s nine-thirty and I’m finally allowed to see him, but for some reason I can’t seem to make myself go through the door. I mean this is it, what I’ve always wanted. After all this waiting I’m finally going to speak to James alone.
I try to move my feet again, but they won’t respond. I’m nervous about going in. Really nervous. It’s just going to be me and James, alone. What if he doesn’t like me?
I hear a door bang shut to my right and turn to see a man wearing a dressing gown standing outside the room next to James’. He’s looking at me. I guess I must look pretty strange, just stood here staring at the door.
I smile a bright smile, trying to come over as human as possible. “Good morning,” I say.
He returns my smile and says, “Good morning”, then turns and walks down the hall away from me.
Right, I can’t stand out here all day, and every second I do is a second wasted that could be spent with James. I place my hand on the green door, compress my fears down, and slowly push it open.
And there he is, laid in bed, watching television, looking as beautiful as always.
He turns his head, his dark eyes warm and inviting, smiling at me. “Hey,” he says, his voice still croaky. He switches the television off with the remote control and sits himself up.
My skin is practically rippling with nerves, my theoretical heart singing with joy at the sight of him. “Hello.”
“ Come in.”
I let the door close behind me with a gentle thud and tentatively walk into the room, all the time very aware of the fact that James’ eyes have not once left me.
“ Take a seat.” He gestures to the chair by his bed.
I sit down but my whole body is jittery. I know I should speak, say something, but truth be told I have no idea what to say. After all this time imagining how our conversations would be, I now can’t seem to form words. It’s almost as if they’ve been stolen from me.
“ I’m so glad you came.” His voice breaks, so he pauses and takes a sip of water, clearing his throat. “I was worried you might not. I mean I knew it was a lot to ask after what you’ve already done for me, but I really wanted to talk to you.”
“ I was always coming,” I smile. “I never break my word.”
His renewed smile reaches all
I’m so confused. I made a decision, the right decision, every instinct telling me I had to save James. But ironically, I saved him because I couldn’t bear to be without him and now as a result of my decision, I will one day, very soon, never again be allowed to see him.
The reality is there pinching at me, like the cold night is pinching my skin, but I’m just not ready to face the thought of leaving him, not yet anyway.
Why did James have to be scheduled to die now, only mere weeks after I find him? Then a plaguing thought hits me. Was this not a coincidence? Was God taking him now because of me? Is this punishment for my behaviour, because I feel for him, that I feel because of him?
I mentally shake myself. Of course not. How can I even think such a thing? What am I turning into too?
An ambulance comes wailing past, knocking me out of my black thoughts. I can’t think about all this now. I have to think about the here and now, have to figure how to act human in the next few hours and also what exactly I’m going to say to James as to why I was there, on that road in the middle of nowhere, late at night.
I stand up, wrap my arms around myself, the cold biting at my skin, and wonder just what exactly to do for the next five hours before I can see James again.
Chapter 5
Visiting Hour
I’m standing outside the door to James’ room.
It’s nine-thirty and I’m finally allowed to see him, but for some reason I can’t seem to make myself go through the door. I mean this is it, what I’ve always wanted. After all this waiting I’m finally going to speak to James alone.
I try to move my feet again, but they won’t respond. I’m nervous about going in. Really nervous. It’s just going to be me and James, alone. What if he doesn’t like me?
I hear a door bang shut to my right and turn to see a man wearing a dressing gown standing outside the room next to James’. He’s looking at me. I guess I must look pretty strange, just stood here staring at the door.
I smile a bright smile, trying to come over as human as possible. “Good morning,” I say.
He returns my smile and says, “Good morning”, then turns and walks down the hall away from me.
Right, I can’t stand out here all day, and every second I do is a second wasted that could be spent with James. I place my hand on the green door, compress my fears down, and slowly push it open.
And there he is, laid in bed, watching television, looking as beautiful as always.
He turns his head, his dark eyes warm and inviting, smiling at me. “Hey,” he says, his voice still croaky. He switches the television off with the remote control and sits himself up.
My skin is practically rippling with nerves, my theoretical heart singing with joy at the sight of him. “Hello.”
“ Come in.”
I let the door close behind me with a gentle thud and tentatively walk into the room, all the time very aware of the fact that James’ eyes have not once left me.
“ Take a seat.” He gestures to the chair by his bed.
I sit down but my whole body is jittery. I know I should speak, say something, but truth be told I have no idea what to say. After all this time imagining how our conversations would be, I now can’t seem to form words. It’s almost as if they’ve been stolen from me.
“ I’m so glad you came.” His voice breaks, so he pauses and takes a sip of water, clearing his throat. “I was worried you might not. I mean I knew it was a lot to ask after what you’ve already done for me, but I really wanted to talk to you.”
“ I was always coming,” I smile. “I never break my word.”
His renewed smile reaches all
Similar Books
