One. This isn’t going too well.
•I will always speak of my Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as “Master.”
This will take getting used to, but I’ll figure it out. So I’ve found a second thing I can live with.
•I agree that my Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use my body and what use they may put it to.
Share me ? This bothers me more than anything. How can he care about me if he wants to share me? Who would he share me with? Am I kidding myself to think he would care about me? This is sex. Just sex. In so many ways, it’s what I want. No ties. No emotions. No interference in my job and career goals. Yet he wants to own my mind, time, body, and heart. It’s very confusing.
• • •
W hat’s even more confusing is that I’m not saying no to this. Why would I allow myself to be a submissive, a slave to another person?
But I know the answer: because it’s him. There is something about him. What, I don’t know. It’s almost as if I feel like he can complete me in some way, and I’m not even sure how that is. This terrifies me. I don’t want another person to be what completes me. And sharing me . . . Do I want to be shared? It’s hard to imagine being with more than one person. Would I do it to please him? Would it please me? I’ve never thought of such a thing.
I don’t think I can do this. No. I can’t. I’m going to tell him no.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I didn’t deal with my submissive/Master scenario today. The timing just wasn’t right. I had too much going on at the gallery, and Mark was in Seattle to meet with my potential seller. I kept hoping to hear from him, but I didn’t. I don’t know what that means. I’m climbing the walls, wondering if he bought the painting for Riptide. Surely he knows what a big deal this is to me? But then, Mark seems to enjoy making me squirm. I must have asked Amanda a hundred times if he’d called in. I finally left him a message. He didn’t call back. How am I ever going to sleep with two huge open issues?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
T he minute I walked into the gallery today and found out from Amanda that Mark was in, I started for his office, only to be told that Ricco was with him. It just about made me crazy to have to wait; I’ve been dying to know what happened in Seattle. Then I started to worry about what Ricco and Mark might be talking about. Two hours passed and they still were in Mark’s office, which made no sense to me. They don’t even seem to like each other all that much. I had no idea what they could have been talking about and still don’t.
When they finally came out of the office I was with a customer, and Mark and Ricco left together. Mark didn’t return by the time the gallery closed and I couldn’t help myself. I called him. He didn’t answer. He texted me instead with: I sent him a contract. He’ll want his attorney to review it. Expect this to take weeks.
Weeks! And a contract! I almost choked when I read that part of the message. Once again, a contract stands between me and the prize.
Monday, February 21, 2011
C hris came into the gallery to see Mark today. The two of them seem to share a mutual respect, and maybe a friendship. It’s hard to tell with two such controlled men. They are so alike and so different, those two. Mark is hard on the surface, while Chris jokes with the entire staff and everyone seems to like him. But they share the same underlying strength and power. Each commands the room when he enters. I want to be like them, to be that confident, that in control. So how could I be a submissive to a Master and ever be those things? And why am I still thinking about this, when I already decided I wasn’t going to sign the contract?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
J osh showed up at the gallery today and Mark didn’t seem pleased. No. That’s an understatement. He was pissed. Josh actually interrupted me while I was with a
•I will always speak of my Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as “Master.”
This will take getting used to, but I’ll figure it out. So I’ve found a second thing I can live with.
•I agree that my Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use my body and what use they may put it to.
Share me ? This bothers me more than anything. How can he care about me if he wants to share me? Who would he share me with? Am I kidding myself to think he would care about me? This is sex. Just sex. In so many ways, it’s what I want. No ties. No emotions. No interference in my job and career goals. Yet he wants to own my mind, time, body, and heart. It’s very confusing.
• • •
W hat’s even more confusing is that I’m not saying no to this. Why would I allow myself to be a submissive, a slave to another person?
But I know the answer: because it’s him. There is something about him. What, I don’t know. It’s almost as if I feel like he can complete me in some way, and I’m not even sure how that is. This terrifies me. I don’t want another person to be what completes me. And sharing me . . . Do I want to be shared? It’s hard to imagine being with more than one person. Would I do it to please him? Would it please me? I’ve never thought of such a thing.
I don’t think I can do this. No. I can’t. I’m going to tell him no.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I didn’t deal with my submissive/Master scenario today. The timing just wasn’t right. I had too much going on at the gallery, and Mark was in Seattle to meet with my potential seller. I kept hoping to hear from him, but I didn’t. I don’t know what that means. I’m climbing the walls, wondering if he bought the painting for Riptide. Surely he knows what a big deal this is to me? But then, Mark seems to enjoy making me squirm. I must have asked Amanda a hundred times if he’d called in. I finally left him a message. He didn’t call back. How am I ever going to sleep with two huge open issues?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
T he minute I walked into the gallery today and found out from Amanda that Mark was in, I started for his office, only to be told that Ricco was with him. It just about made me crazy to have to wait; I’ve been dying to know what happened in Seattle. Then I started to worry about what Ricco and Mark might be talking about. Two hours passed and they still were in Mark’s office, which made no sense to me. They don’t even seem to like each other all that much. I had no idea what they could have been talking about and still don’t.
When they finally came out of the office I was with a customer, and Mark and Ricco left together. Mark didn’t return by the time the gallery closed and I couldn’t help myself. I called him. He didn’t answer. He texted me instead with: I sent him a contract. He’ll want his attorney to review it. Expect this to take weeks.
Weeks! And a contract! I almost choked when I read that part of the message. Once again, a contract stands between me and the prize.
Monday, February 21, 2011
C hris came into the gallery to see Mark today. The two of them seem to share a mutual respect, and maybe a friendship. It’s hard to tell with two such controlled men. They are so alike and so different, those two. Mark is hard on the surface, while Chris jokes with the entire staff and everyone seems to like him. But they share the same underlying strength and power. Each commands the room when he enters. I want to be like them, to be that confident, that in control. So how could I be a submissive to a Master and ever be those things? And why am I still thinking about this, when I already decided I wasn’t going to sign the contract?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
J osh showed up at the gallery today and Mark didn’t seem pleased. No. That’s an understatement. He was pissed. Josh actually interrupted me while I was with a
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