The Deepest Cut by Natalie Flynn Page B

…
    â€˜It’s OK,’ she said. She touched my leg gently. It made me back away.
    I wanted to get up and run away. I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say to me, how she’d already judged me.
    â€˜I read it in the news, and then we had an assembly at school about it. They wanted us to know about it so we could stop it happening to us.’ She paused. ‘I guess they wanted to warn us.’
    They’d done an assembly about us at her school? Oh God, she knew everything. She knew what I’d done. I tried to breathe deeply and slowly to keep the panic under control.
    She’d got her tobacco packet out and was rolling another cigarette. ‘I knew it was you when I saw your name go up on the board at the nurses’ station, the day they brought you in.’ She licked her paper and stuck it down.
    She reached out her hand and touched my chin, pulling my head up to look at her. I flinched.
    â€˜Adam, look at me?’ She asked.
    I caught her eye. I didn’t want to, but she wasn’t giving me any choice.
    â€˜It wasn’t your fault, you know that?’
    I didn’t want to talk about it. I shrunk down and turned away. Why wouldn’t she stop talking about it? I’d been doing whatever I could to stop myself thinking about what happened, because it was like a really awful chain reaction. If I thought about it, even a little bit, the memories would start up. Then all the bad stuff would happen, feeling sick, not being able to breathe, getting all panicky, my heart racing, and my head spinning. Exactly what was happening now.
    Josie was really staring at me.
    I looked down at the cigarette in my hand which had gone out, but not burnt down. She held the lighter out at me and tried to smile.
    I couldn’t walk away from her. We were being supervised. I had to stay put. I had to be good, stay in control, not act insane or have any breakdowns or anything like that. If I kept calm, they’d let me out, I knew they would.
    â€˜It really, really wasn’t your fault,’ she said. She lit her cigarette and took a huge pull. ‘I get it though, I do.’ She blew out the smoke and batted it out of my face with her free hand.
    I looked at the floor. Begging her, inside my head, to please just stop.
    â€˜Right, fag break over,’ Damian announced. ‘Let’s all get back inside.’
    Thank God. My breathing was so shallow, my pulse thumping, my back sweating, and I felt sick. Sick like I was about to throw up everywhere.
    I held out the unfinished cigarette. She took it off me and threw it in the bush. She flicked hers in after it and walked next to me back through the keycode door. Inside I took the stairs two at a time and was first through the ward door as soon as Damian opened it. I couldn’t get up there quickly enough. I just wanted to go to my room and be alone.
    Damian took my arm as I tried to walk away. ‘Do you think you can handle staying out here for a bit, Adam?’ He asked.
    I was confused.
    â€˜Just, you’ve been in your room all day. I think it will do you good to stay out here for a bit, if you think you’re up to it?’
    â€˜Wanna play pool?’ Josie asked, grabbing two cues and smiling brightly.
    Oh, God. I looked at Damian for an escape route.
    â€˜It’ll be fun. Josie’s a demon, though. She can beat anyone,’ he said, either ignoring or not understanding the pleading look on my face. ‘Go on. If you don’t enjoy yourself, I’ll let you have the chocolate bar I’ve got saved to go with my cup of tea later,’ he said.
    I didn’t have a choice. I had to be good so they’d let me out.
    I shuffled over to where Josie was setting up the pool table and picked up one of the cues. I’d only every played pool once before, in the pub with Jake and Nathan while we were waiting for my dad to turn up from the bookies with that week’s food money. I was