last night and shagged another girl.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because I asked.’
‘And that’s not OK because . . .’
‘Because I didn’t sign up to be in the harem of a bloke who works in IT!’
‘Fair play. I was just checking he knew you wanted something exclusive.’
‘Absolutely. I made it clear at the start, because of my . . . well,just because.’
‘Some people think it’s OK to see other people at the start of a relationship.’
‘Four dates in? Are you one of those people?’
‘Not at all. But then why would he tell you?’
‘Because I had a hunch, I suppose. And because he knew he wouldn’t get away with lying to me. He probably thought if he told the truth, I might be cool with it.’
‘So the moral of that story is he should havekept his big mouth shut . . .’
‘The thing is, I would have put up with his baggage, in theory . . .’
‘What baggage?’
‘A nightmare ex, and a kid. Actually I thought the fact he’d been married and had a child was a good thing – proof he wasn’t a commitment-phobe . . .’
‘So the kid and the ex didn’t put you off?’
‘No. I can handle baggage if I think someone’s worth it.’
‘Major baggage or justhand luggage?’
‘Who hasn’t got baggage? I have baggage, I’m sure you have too, but I cannot be dealing with a liar.’
‘But he didn’t lie.’
‘He withheld information.’
‘So now would be a good time to unload all my baggage, right here in the street outside Sainsbury’s?’
‘Yeah, go on then. What have you got? Raging alcoholic? Clearly you are – though I can hardly throw stones in that direction. . . History of philandering? Drug habit? Secret love child? Porn addict? Psycho ex-wife? Your parents were first cousins? You shot a man in Reno . . .?’
He opens his mouth to say something, then stops and shakes his head. After another thirty seconds, during which he actually appears to be doing some sort of calculation, he says, ‘My father is a pathological philanderer, my sister had the drughabit, well, marijuana only; I did recently discover I’ve fathered a love child with a crazy waitress, but she won’t return my calls. My father had an affair with a cousin – but they’re second cousins, barely counts; plus with the volume of women he shagged it was only a matter of time before he called upon family. With all that going on, understandably I have no time left for a porn habit andI can safely say I’ve never been to Reno.’
‘Me neither,’ I say, relieved that his frown has turned into a joke, I was worried for a moment there I’d actually offended him. ‘Adam – I don’t even know where Reno is! Is it in Texas?’
‘Nevada, I think.’
‘While we’re at it, full disclosure, I once stole a Kit Kat from our local newsagent after my sister dared me to. And I’m rather too fond of sniffingmarker pens.’
‘What colour?’
‘Depends what’s in the stationery cupboard, mostly the red ones.’
‘They’re the least addictive. Stay away from blue – they’re lethal.’
‘OK,’ I say, rubbing my hands together. ‘Well, that’s all taken care of then. So I guess we’re fine?’
‘I guess we’re fine.’
‘Adam, these dumplings are amazing. Normally the veg are chopped so small you can’t taste them, but theway they’ve cut these, it’s like you can taste the texture.’
He stares at me as if I’ve said something strange. I guess it does sound strange, talking about the taste of a texture.
‘I’m glad you like them,’ he says, as he dips another fat little white parcel in soy and ginger dressing, and holds it out to me on his chopsticks.
‘In the bowl, please.’ When Tom and I first started dating he wentall 9 1/2 Weeks on me and tried to feed me a dim sum that was too big for my mouth – a fact I didn’t realise until he’d stuck it in my gob and it got wedged there. It was too big to chew and there was no way I could spit it out; in the end I had to shoo
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because I asked.’
‘And that’s not OK because . . .’
‘Because I didn’t sign up to be in the harem of a bloke who works in IT!’
‘Fair play. I was just checking he knew you wanted something exclusive.’
‘Absolutely. I made it clear at the start, because of my . . . well,just because.’
‘Some people think it’s OK to see other people at the start of a relationship.’
‘Four dates in? Are you one of those people?’
‘Not at all. But then why would he tell you?’
‘Because I had a hunch, I suppose. And because he knew he wouldn’t get away with lying to me. He probably thought if he told the truth, I might be cool with it.’
‘So the moral of that story is he should havekept his big mouth shut . . .’
‘The thing is, I would have put up with his baggage, in theory . . .’
‘What baggage?’
‘A nightmare ex, and a kid. Actually I thought the fact he’d been married and had a child was a good thing – proof he wasn’t a commitment-phobe . . .’
‘So the kid and the ex didn’t put you off?’
‘No. I can handle baggage if I think someone’s worth it.’
‘Major baggage or justhand luggage?’
‘Who hasn’t got baggage? I have baggage, I’m sure you have too, but I cannot be dealing with a liar.’
‘But he didn’t lie.’
‘He withheld information.’
‘So now would be a good time to unload all my baggage, right here in the street outside Sainsbury’s?’
‘Yeah, go on then. What have you got? Raging alcoholic? Clearly you are – though I can hardly throw stones in that direction. . . History of philandering? Drug habit? Secret love child? Porn addict? Psycho ex-wife? Your parents were first cousins? You shot a man in Reno . . .?’
He opens his mouth to say something, then stops and shakes his head. After another thirty seconds, during which he actually appears to be doing some sort of calculation, he says, ‘My father is a pathological philanderer, my sister had the drughabit, well, marijuana only; I did recently discover I’ve fathered a love child with a crazy waitress, but she won’t return my calls. My father had an affair with a cousin – but they’re second cousins, barely counts; plus with the volume of women he shagged it was only a matter of time before he called upon family. With all that going on, understandably I have no time left for a porn habit andI can safely say I’ve never been to Reno.’
‘Me neither,’ I say, relieved that his frown has turned into a joke, I was worried for a moment there I’d actually offended him. ‘Adam – I don’t even know where Reno is! Is it in Texas?’
‘Nevada, I think.’
‘While we’re at it, full disclosure, I once stole a Kit Kat from our local newsagent after my sister dared me to. And I’m rather too fond of sniffingmarker pens.’
‘What colour?’
‘Depends what’s in the stationery cupboard, mostly the red ones.’
‘They’re the least addictive. Stay away from blue – they’re lethal.’
‘OK,’ I say, rubbing my hands together. ‘Well, that’s all taken care of then. So I guess we’re fine?’
‘I guess we’re fine.’
‘Adam, these dumplings are amazing. Normally the veg are chopped so small you can’t taste them, but theway they’ve cut these, it’s like you can taste the texture.’
He stares at me as if I’ve said something strange. I guess it does sound strange, talking about the taste of a texture.
‘I’m glad you like them,’ he says, as he dips another fat little white parcel in soy and ginger dressing, and holds it out to me on his chopsticks.
‘In the bowl, please.’ When Tom and I first started dating he wentall 9 1/2 Weeks on me and tried to feed me a dim sum that was too big for my mouth – a fact I didn’t realise until he’d stuck it in my gob and it got wedged there. It was too big to chew and there was no way I could spit it out; in the end I had to shoo
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