that raw sea of tears. Summoning the toughness that she’d developed sitting in this very spot month after month, she forced the tears back down, closed the lid on them and pushed them down into that part of her where there weren’t any feelings at all.
Chapter Three
“How are you this evening, Ms. Alexander?”
The voice came out of the velvety dark. As usual, only his hands were visible, calmly folded under the cone of light from the desk lamp.
Zoe smoothed her skirt and sat down under a spotlight of her own, facing the desk. “I’m very well, thank you, Doctor. And how are you?”
“I’m well, thank you,” he answered. “May I say that you’re looking especially lovely tonight?”
“Thank you.” Zoe smiled and shifted in the white leather chair. She thought so too, but still it was good to hear it confirmed. She was wearing a new skirt and blouse she’d bought with the money from her last session, money that had also paid for her new hairstyle and manicure. The salon had been very good—expensive, but she felt no guilt about it. She had earned the money and she had spent it as she wished. Even if it had been earned by her dubious and perhaps even shameful performance in this very room, she refused to feel bad about it. She felt very attractive and it felt good. She felt formidable.
“Let me give you your compensation for tonight so we can get that out of the way,” the Doctor said, placing five fifty-dollar bills on the edge of the desk.
The money. She glanced at the bills but she made no move to retrieve them.
She had much she wanted to discuss, but now that she was here the words seemed to leave her. She had done a lot of thinking about her past two sessions, the last one especially, where she had joined a man in mutual masturbation, a man she could see but not hear or touch. It had been a strange and emotional experience and had haunted her ever since. It had changed her ideas about the experiment and the purpose behind it, and she no longer thought that the Doctor was just some wealthy pervert indulging his voyeuristic whims. He was doing something to her and she had to believe it was intentional. She didn’t know what it was yet, but she had the distinct impression that he was on her side.
“Doctor, I…” she began. “That man at the last session…”
“Yes?”
She didn’t know how to broach the subject. It was so personal, and she wasn’t used to discussing her personal life. “I’ve been thinking about it all week. What happened, I mean. I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind.”
He was silent, but she knew he was listening. She looked into the darkness for some encouragement, but saw nothing but his hands folded together neatly beneath the desk light.
“Is it all right if I talk?” she asked. “I don’t want to upset the experiment.”
“No,” he said calmly. “It’s quite all right. Please do.”
She sighed. “I guess it was just a very emotional experience for me. I know you can’t really discuss it with me, can you?”
He paused a moment before saying, “Well, that depends. Just what is it you want to discuss?”
She opened her mouth, but she realized now, sitting here in the darkness with the light upon her, that he wouldn’t tell her who the man was or what the stranger’s reaction to her had been. Instead she said, “I was wondering whether we could repeat that last session.”
She knew he’d refuse, so before he could speak she added, “I mean, you were right when you said that I was sexually active. At least I used to be. I’m not anymore, not since my breakup. In fact, I haven’t done anything for months now, haven’t even had the desire.” She looked up uncertainly. “But after the last session, once I thought about it, I don’t know. It did something to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It’s like it brought all this stuff to the surface, things I’ve been denying.”
He said nothing and she peered at his
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