anyway.
“I’m serious, Bo. You don’t want to deal with me. I’m chock full of issues. Big issues. Not allergies or phobias or insecurity kinds of issues. Real damage.”
He laughed. “Don’t you think I know that?” He leaned forward. “I want you exactly as you are. Damage and all. Even allergies.”
Then Mom started laughing too, but crying at the same time.
“I just don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.” She turned away, staring out the window at the garden she and Dad planted together. She looked down at her hand, as if a part of her still expected to see her wedding ring resting on her finger. “You know, forever is supposed to mean forever. Not forever until the hard stuff eats away at you. Not forever until you just can’t be bothered anymore. Forever. ‘Til death do us part and all that.” She paused. “I guess Nathan missed that part.”
Bo got up from his chair and knelt in front of her. “I want to show you something.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it up and handed something to my mom, then set the wallet on the table. It was only when she held up what he had handed her at just the right angle that I saw it was a photo.
“Who is this?”
“My wife.”
Mom leaned back in surprise. I was pretty shocked myself. Before that day, Bo had never mentioned ever being married.
“She died, many years ago. We were inseparable. Some people get married just because they think it’s the next step to take, but not us. We truly never wanted to be away from each other. She was the only person that ever really mattered to me. Got hit by a drunk driver.” He took the picture and tucked it safely back in his wallet. “So you see? I know something about loss. I’ve got my own damage. See this?” He held up a small gold cross that hung around his neck. The design struck me as slightly feminine. I always noticed it was there but had never asked about it. “This was hers. I wear it with me every minute of every day. Kind of a double-edged sword because it always reminds me that she’s with me, but not in the way that I want. Sometimes knowing she’s always here in the figurative sense isn’t good enough.” He pulled Mom into a hug. “It never goes away. The hurt. I know that. But somehow, you learn to make room for it. I’ll help you figure it out. You just have to let me.”
I smiled to myself, gave Bo a silent thumbs up, and tiptoed back up to my room.
When I came back downstairs, Mom’s tears had dried. She sat at the table looking at a magazine while Bo cooked something in a red sauce on the stove. It bubbled steadily and I practically stuck my nose in the meal while trying to inhale the rich aroma. Seeing someone comfort Mom for a change made me wrap my arms around Bo and hug him tight. “Thank you.”
Bo smiled. “I thought you were skipping dinner tonight. Not a big fan of noodles.”
“I know.”
• • •
We climbed in the back of the van, and I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face against them, hoping that the darkness would erase the image of three dead men and Jordyn’s shaking body. I closed my eyes, but I still saw the shine of Cain’s knife.
Mom played with my hair. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you had followed us. You should not have seen that.”
“Mom, is Jordyn okay?”
Mom smiled. “You never fail to impress me, Riley. You just saw something terrible, and you’re asking how someone else is doing.” She kissed me on the forehead. “We’ll check on her in a little while, okay? Let’s just stay right here for now.”
I nodded and leaned against my mother. Her perfume flooded my nose and the familiar vanilla-and-roses scent gave me comfort. She had been wearing it since I was very little, back when my brother was alive and the most dramatic part of my day was learning how to share my dolls with my friends. I inhaled it over and over again as we sat silently, listening to the muffled voices from
“I’m serious, Bo. You don’t want to deal with me. I’m chock full of issues. Big issues. Not allergies or phobias or insecurity kinds of issues. Real damage.”
He laughed. “Don’t you think I know that?” He leaned forward. “I want you exactly as you are. Damage and all. Even allergies.”
Then Mom started laughing too, but crying at the same time.
“I just don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.” She turned away, staring out the window at the garden she and Dad planted together. She looked down at her hand, as if a part of her still expected to see her wedding ring resting on her finger. “You know, forever is supposed to mean forever. Not forever until the hard stuff eats away at you. Not forever until you just can’t be bothered anymore. Forever. ‘Til death do us part and all that.” She paused. “I guess Nathan missed that part.”
Bo got up from his chair and knelt in front of her. “I want to show you something.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it up and handed something to my mom, then set the wallet on the table. It was only when she held up what he had handed her at just the right angle that I saw it was a photo.
“Who is this?”
“My wife.”
Mom leaned back in surprise. I was pretty shocked myself. Before that day, Bo had never mentioned ever being married.
“She died, many years ago. We were inseparable. Some people get married just because they think it’s the next step to take, but not us. We truly never wanted to be away from each other. She was the only person that ever really mattered to me. Got hit by a drunk driver.” He took the picture and tucked it safely back in his wallet. “So you see? I know something about loss. I’ve got my own damage. See this?” He held up a small gold cross that hung around his neck. The design struck me as slightly feminine. I always noticed it was there but had never asked about it. “This was hers. I wear it with me every minute of every day. Kind of a double-edged sword because it always reminds me that she’s with me, but not in the way that I want. Sometimes knowing she’s always here in the figurative sense isn’t good enough.” He pulled Mom into a hug. “It never goes away. The hurt. I know that. But somehow, you learn to make room for it. I’ll help you figure it out. You just have to let me.”
I smiled to myself, gave Bo a silent thumbs up, and tiptoed back up to my room.
When I came back downstairs, Mom’s tears had dried. She sat at the table looking at a magazine while Bo cooked something in a red sauce on the stove. It bubbled steadily and I practically stuck my nose in the meal while trying to inhale the rich aroma. Seeing someone comfort Mom for a change made me wrap my arms around Bo and hug him tight. “Thank you.”
Bo smiled. “I thought you were skipping dinner tonight. Not a big fan of noodles.”
“I know.”
• • •
We climbed in the back of the van, and I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face against them, hoping that the darkness would erase the image of three dead men and Jordyn’s shaking body. I closed my eyes, but I still saw the shine of Cain’s knife.
Mom played with my hair. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you had followed us. You should not have seen that.”
“Mom, is Jordyn okay?”
Mom smiled. “You never fail to impress me, Riley. You just saw something terrible, and you’re asking how someone else is doing.” She kissed me on the forehead. “We’ll check on her in a little while, okay? Let’s just stay right here for now.”
I nodded and leaned against my mother. Her perfume flooded my nose and the familiar vanilla-and-roses scent gave me comfort. She had been wearing it since I was very little, back when my brother was alive and the most dramatic part of my day was learning how to share my dolls with my friends. I inhaled it over and over again as we sat silently, listening to the muffled voices from
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