The Fat Lady Sings by Charlie Lovett Page A

my Hello, Dolly! audition, I know that will be the final nail in the coffin of my dream, and the title comes to me.
    "My contemporary monologue is from The Fat Lady Sings, " I say. "I'll be performing the role of Aggie."
    There's an awkward silence while I wait for them to say, "And who's the playwright?" and then I will be completely busted. I don't know for sure that you can't perform your own material, but I'm guessing.
    "Whenever you're ready," says the voice.
    Bullet dodged. I begin.
    Are you Tim? Hi Tim, I'm Aggie. I'm your two o'clock. Oriental hot stone massage -- that's me. I guess you're wondering why I'm standing here wrapped in a shower curtain instead of lying on the massage table. It's a funny story, actually. Well, maybe not "funny." I guess "pathetic" is a better word.
    That's where you laugh and break the tension, but instead -- awkward silence. Oh, well.
    You see, I came here with my friend Suzy. You probably saw her in the lounge. She's the perky one. Every part of her is perky. Her knees are perky! Anyhow, Suzy, she's my best friend. Surprise, I know -- the prom queen and the fat girl, who would think, right? So for my birthday Suzy says she's going to give me a spa day, and I figure a manicure and a yogurt shake or something like that. I mean, I've never been to a spa, so I say "sure." So we get here this morning and we have our manicures and our yogurt shakes and then Suzy wants to take our clothes off and go into a steam room.
    Are you self-conscious, Tim? Probably not -- what am I saying? I mean, look at you -- you're practically a god. I mean, are those muscles even real? Sorry. Anyway, where was I?
    Oh, right, so we're sitting in this steam room, naked. Naked! And of course Suzy is perky -- I mean, her ankles are perky and her -- well, you know. They're extremely perky. But not me. "Droopy" would be a better word for me. If I were a dwarf, I'd be Droopy the Dwarf. I know, I know -- I'm not exactly a dwarf.
    So we're sitting there and I'm hoping maybe Suzy will think my cheeks are bright red because of the heat, not because I'm mortified with embarrassment to be naked in front of another human being, especially a perky one. And Suzy's just talking! Just chattering on like we were fully clothed and eating hamburgers. And I'm just wondering if it would be socially acceptable for me to wrap my towel around myself -- although to be honest, Tim, I am not sure it would fit. I mean, have you seen the towels in this place? They are not made for coverage, I tell you. When I buy a towel, I want acreage. These things are Lilliputian.
    So just when I don't think I can stare at the wall any longer pretending not to see Suzy's body and hoping, please God, that she's not looking at mine -- though honestly how can you miss it -- the door opens and this other woman steps in. A complete stranger. And she's naked. And she's perky! And that's it for me -- I rush out, clutching the towel to try to cover at least some of my lack of perkiness, but as soon as I'm in the hall I see a woman walking towards me and she is wrapped in one of your towels, so you can imagine how tiny she is. So I turn the other way and there you are and -- well, you know what you look like, I'm sure. I mean, there are mirrors all over this place. I know -- I've been trying to avoid them all day.
    Now I'm trapped, so I open this door and hide in this room. You know this room. And then of course I hear the handle turning, so I make a dash for the shower in the corner there, and that's when I drop my towel -- not that it was doing me much good. And then you come in and the other lady comes in and -- well, I guess you know what happened after that. I mean, you were here. What was that, like, a ninety-minute massage? Must have seemed a lot longer for you the way she rattled on and on about her husband and his poker club. Does everyone talk through the whole thing like that?
    Anyway, after ninety minutes you start to forget that you're naked in a shower