out, the ground was darker now, more black than red. I got down and walked a circle, begging for my sister-bear's protection. And then I saw something white gleaming. I bent down and there was a bear tooth. I held it in my hands, then got on my knees and thanked Usha for watching over me, the way the bear in the sky watches over all of our people.
I took the leather strand that held Io's seashell from around my neck, then chiseled a small hole in the ridge of Usha's tooth with my knife and threaded the leather through. The tooth felt good around my neck, as though I had found the bear inside of Usha. Inside of me.
I rode on. I wanted to take a look, nothing more. When I got to the bluff Melek's city was there, but it was abandoned. His people had already gone on, toward some higher ground where they could last the winter. I rode down into their city. I had nothing to fear from emptiness.
I left my mare and went inside a tent. It smelled of food and smoke. Some cooking things had been left behind, and a stone anvil used by a smith. I went to another tent, then another. I felt I was knowing these people from standing in their homes. I was interested. But really, I was something else, too. I wanted to know what was beyond my own people. It was curiosity, that dangerous thing. It was something opening inside me.
I knew I had found Melek's tent because he had left something behind. Maybe he knew me better than I'd ventured to guess; maybe he knew I would come here. Propped up near the place where a fire had once burned, there was an image of a bear carved in stone. It was a flat stone, no bigger than my hand, carefully wrought. When I looked closely I saw that the bear had my face, and that the face was beautiful.
I rode home; I wanted to be back before dark. Our people were packing up, dismantling their tents. It would soon be time to go to the winter-lands, everyone knew that. I turned my mare to trot toward my tent; I hoped no one would notice me. But all at once every dog in our city began to bark. They were turned to me, barking, as if they could see what no human could see: that the Angel of Death rode beside me.
The Queen must have heard those dogs. That night she called me to her tent. I was shaking at the thought of appearing before my mother.
Alina and Penthe sat close together as I came inside, my head lowered out of respect. Penthe asked me to eat with them, some of the mares’ meat from the night festival. I said I had already eaten with Io, which was not true.
I was too nervous to eat in front of the Queen.
I sat down across from them, my head still bowed.
The Queen wore a coat made of horsehide, fastened with brass buckles. She looked beautiful. I could hardly believe she was indeed my mother.
We're hoping you will soon have a sister,
the Queen said.
I looked up and saw there were lines of ochre paint on her face.
I have a sister,
I said.
Io.
Penthe reached across and touched my hand, grateful.
A blood sister,
my Queen said.
Now I understood that my mother had indeed been at the festival. The only reason for her to be with a man was to bring forth a second daughter, a Queen. I did not please her or satisfy her. She wanted a different daughter, a different Queen. Now that it was out in the open the sorrow floated between us. I was Rain to her and nothing more. Someone she wanted to forget.
I lifted my head so I could look at my mother, and as I expected she looked away. So I bowed my head again.
By this time you should have killed enough men to become a woman,
my mother told me.
We will see how brave your sister is.
My sister Io is quite brave,
I said in a quiet voice. For this there was no argument.
Thank you,
Penthe said to me, acknowledging only what was true.
We will see who this blood sister of yours is when she arrives,
my mother said.
I looked at the Queen and this time she didn't look away. I should have been angry, furious, hurt. I should have said,
Why is it you can only see sorrow
I took the leather strand that held Io's seashell from around my neck, then chiseled a small hole in the ridge of Usha's tooth with my knife and threaded the leather through. The tooth felt good around my neck, as though I had found the bear inside of Usha. Inside of me.
I rode on. I wanted to take a look, nothing more. When I got to the bluff Melek's city was there, but it was abandoned. His people had already gone on, toward some higher ground where they could last the winter. I rode down into their city. I had nothing to fear from emptiness.
I left my mare and went inside a tent. It smelled of food and smoke. Some cooking things had been left behind, and a stone anvil used by a smith. I went to another tent, then another. I felt I was knowing these people from standing in their homes. I was interested. But really, I was something else, too. I wanted to know what was beyond my own people. It was curiosity, that dangerous thing. It was something opening inside me.
I knew I had found Melek's tent because he had left something behind. Maybe he knew me better than I'd ventured to guess; maybe he knew I would come here. Propped up near the place where a fire had once burned, there was an image of a bear carved in stone. It was a flat stone, no bigger than my hand, carefully wrought. When I looked closely I saw that the bear had my face, and that the face was beautiful.
I rode home; I wanted to be back before dark. Our people were packing up, dismantling their tents. It would soon be time to go to the winter-lands, everyone knew that. I turned my mare to trot toward my tent; I hoped no one would notice me. But all at once every dog in our city began to bark. They were turned to me, barking, as if they could see what no human could see: that the Angel of Death rode beside me.
The Queen must have heard those dogs. That night she called me to her tent. I was shaking at the thought of appearing before my mother.
Alina and Penthe sat close together as I came inside, my head lowered out of respect. Penthe asked me to eat with them, some of the mares’ meat from the night festival. I said I had already eaten with Io, which was not true.
I was too nervous to eat in front of the Queen.
I sat down across from them, my head still bowed.
The Queen wore a coat made of horsehide, fastened with brass buckles. She looked beautiful. I could hardly believe she was indeed my mother.
We're hoping you will soon have a sister,
the Queen said.
I looked up and saw there were lines of ochre paint on her face.
I have a sister,
I said.
Io.
Penthe reached across and touched my hand, grateful.
A blood sister,
my Queen said.
Now I understood that my mother had indeed been at the festival. The only reason for her to be with a man was to bring forth a second daughter, a Queen. I did not please her or satisfy her. She wanted a different daughter, a different Queen. Now that it was out in the open the sorrow floated between us. I was Rain to her and nothing more. Someone she wanted to forget.
I lifted my head so I could look at my mother, and as I expected she looked away. So I bowed my head again.
By this time you should have killed enough men to become a woman,
my mother told me.
We will see how brave your sister is.
My sister Io is quite brave,
I said in a quiet voice. For this there was no argument.
Thank you,
Penthe said to me, acknowledging only what was true.
We will see who this blood sister of yours is when she arrives,
my mother said.
I looked at the Queen and this time she didn't look away. I should have been angry, furious, hurt. I should have said,
Why is it you can only see sorrow
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