evil, or chaos.’
‘That can’t be so,’ said Stuart.
‘I admire your confidence! You ought to have persevered with philosophy. You just want to be admired and revered! Why publish the fact that you’ve given up sex, or rather never had it, if that’s true? You can’t claim that you’ll live forever without it, that amounts to a lie, it’s empty pretentious boasting, why at least couldn’t you keep your mouth shut?’
‘I didn’t publicise it,’ said Stuart. ‘Other people did. I regret this. But someone asked me a direct question and I answered it.’
‘Cannot tell a lie. It’s the lie in the soul that counts. Don’t you see you can’t do all this alone? Human nature needs institutions. You talk about people entering seminaries. Why don’t you do that then, become a priest, join the holy brigade? I’d hate it, but at least it would make some sense. Why not go to the church, to some church, ask for help, ask to be directed?’
‘That’s just what I can’t do,’ said Stuart. ‘I can’t go there. I don’t hold their beliefs.’
‘Neither do most of them now. They might shake some sense into you, knock your pride about a bit. You can’t do it by yourself, without a general theory or an organisation or God or other people. A religious man has to have an object, you haven’t one.’
Stuart was struck by this remark and considered it. He said, ‘It depends what you mean by an object — ’
‘All because you’ve realised you’ll never be a great thinker, I suppose hurt vanity makes people do daft things. Or perhaps it’s not so daft. You’ve chosen the higher hedonism, you’ll be the false good man, I’ve met a few, they’re a secret brotherhood. Giving up the world, holy poverty, except that somehow or other all the material goods are provided, living on their rich friends — Damn it, I’m supporting you now, and that’s just a start. And it works, people regard them as superior, defer to them, run to them, look after them, spoil them, they’re gentlemen of course — while they trip round with saintly smiles and lofty words and unctuous advice, enjoying everybody’s troubles, living at ease, having the hell of a good time, admired and loved, oh so high above us ordinary sinners. I tell you they enjoy life, that’s what they’ve aimed at, they have an object all right, cherishing themselves, and they’re intelligent too. God, how they smile, those selfless vulnerable touching sympathetic smiles!’
Stuart smiled, then laughed. ‘One has to take some risks,’ he said.
‘That’s the only human thing you’ve said!’
‘I’m sorry I’m living on you now, I’ll move out soon.’
‘Christ, that doesn’t matter. Well, it’s a nuisance, but that doesn’t matter. It’ll all end in tears, you’ll waste your precious best years, come running after education when it’s too late, God you’ll regret it. Surely you don’t want to be an ordinary little man with a tiny wage, or a sort of tramp living in a tent when you’re forty? You’ll be a nobody, you won’t get back, don’t imagine you can! I just wish I could make you put it off a bit. Why not travel? Anything that would give you a few more ideas. See the world, I’d pay. Don’t you want to go to Nepal, don’t you want to go to Kyoto, visit the monasteries in Thailand?’
‘No. Why should I?’
‘That’s what young people with religious delusions do nowadays, you can’t even conform to that pattern. At least it would be exotic, you might learn something. You just seem to want to live a life of brutish simplicity. But you can’t. Later on you’ll break out. And then you might be capable of any crime.’
‘I don’t think that means anything,’ said Stuart, ‘you’re just expressing emotion.’
‘Your religious plan is simply a sexual plan, it’s sex by other means.’
‘Well, all right,’ said Stuart.
‘You’re a — What did you say? Why is it all right?‘
‘I don’t mind if people
‘That can’t be so,’ said Stuart.
‘I admire your confidence! You ought to have persevered with philosophy. You just want to be admired and revered! Why publish the fact that you’ve given up sex, or rather never had it, if that’s true? You can’t claim that you’ll live forever without it, that amounts to a lie, it’s empty pretentious boasting, why at least couldn’t you keep your mouth shut?’
‘I didn’t publicise it,’ said Stuart. ‘Other people did. I regret this. But someone asked me a direct question and I answered it.’
‘Cannot tell a lie. It’s the lie in the soul that counts. Don’t you see you can’t do all this alone? Human nature needs institutions. You talk about people entering seminaries. Why don’t you do that then, become a priest, join the holy brigade? I’d hate it, but at least it would make some sense. Why not go to the church, to some church, ask for help, ask to be directed?’
‘That’s just what I can’t do,’ said Stuart. ‘I can’t go there. I don’t hold their beliefs.’
‘Neither do most of them now. They might shake some sense into you, knock your pride about a bit. You can’t do it by yourself, without a general theory or an organisation or God or other people. A religious man has to have an object, you haven’t one.’
Stuart was struck by this remark and considered it. He said, ‘It depends what you mean by an object — ’
‘All because you’ve realised you’ll never be a great thinker, I suppose hurt vanity makes people do daft things. Or perhaps it’s not so daft. You’ve chosen the higher hedonism, you’ll be the false good man, I’ve met a few, they’re a secret brotherhood. Giving up the world, holy poverty, except that somehow or other all the material goods are provided, living on their rich friends — Damn it, I’m supporting you now, and that’s just a start. And it works, people regard them as superior, defer to them, run to them, look after them, spoil them, they’re gentlemen of course — while they trip round with saintly smiles and lofty words and unctuous advice, enjoying everybody’s troubles, living at ease, having the hell of a good time, admired and loved, oh so high above us ordinary sinners. I tell you they enjoy life, that’s what they’ve aimed at, they have an object all right, cherishing themselves, and they’re intelligent too. God, how they smile, those selfless vulnerable touching sympathetic smiles!’
Stuart smiled, then laughed. ‘One has to take some risks,’ he said.
‘That’s the only human thing you’ve said!’
‘I’m sorry I’m living on you now, I’ll move out soon.’
‘Christ, that doesn’t matter. Well, it’s a nuisance, but that doesn’t matter. It’ll all end in tears, you’ll waste your precious best years, come running after education when it’s too late, God you’ll regret it. Surely you don’t want to be an ordinary little man with a tiny wage, or a sort of tramp living in a tent when you’re forty? You’ll be a nobody, you won’t get back, don’t imagine you can! I just wish I could make you put it off a bit. Why not travel? Anything that would give you a few more ideas. See the world, I’d pay. Don’t you want to go to Nepal, don’t you want to go to Kyoto, visit the monasteries in Thailand?’
‘No. Why should I?’
‘That’s what young people with religious delusions do nowadays, you can’t even conform to that pattern. At least it would be exotic, you might learn something. You just seem to want to live a life of brutish simplicity. But you can’t. Later on you’ll break out. And then you might be capable of any crime.’
‘I don’t think that means anything,’ said Stuart, ‘you’re just expressing emotion.’
‘Your religious plan is simply a sexual plan, it’s sex by other means.’
‘Well, all right,’ said Stuart.
‘You’re a — What did you say? Why is it all right?‘
‘I don’t mind if people
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