The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland Page B
Authors: Douglas Coupland
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous, Humorous fiction, Love Stories, Authorship, Diary fiction, Divorced men, Fiction - Authorship
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right now. She could be the only member to escape the curse of my loser family, and I won't have you stepping in and setting her on the road to failure. Bethany has not had an easy life, and much of that is my fault, and somehow she's managed to rise above it. She lives at home and is the only thing that keeps me going. I dread the day she leaves, because once she's out that door, I'm out the door too, except my body is left behind, here in this crummy condo, forever wondering what it was that walked out the door with Bethany.
She was a quiet child, and I used to think it was because she was smart and had ideas too large to put into words, but now I think she kept quiet to avoid having to engage in her mother's sordid life.
After she leaves, I'll have way too much time on my hands and will have no choice but to accept the fact that the chance of my falling in love again is zero. When did I reach that point? A few years ago?
I know the moment I finally understood it. It was that night at Denny's with you. It was like I saw myself at the next booth, sixty-eight years old, eating breakfast alone at three in the afternoon, using a coupon for a discount, with the only thing on my horizon going back to my condo to wait for my next meal.
So it's not like I haven't been thinking of you since that date. But when I do, I think about The Void. About loss. You may or may not deserve this, but that's what I see. You may well be the male equivalent of me-a certain age, a grocery list of bad decisions-whatever. Stay away from my daughter. She has a nice healthy thing maybe going with some guy there-Kyle?-and I don't want you messing with that. Act your age. Go get hammered at some bar. But leave my daughter alone.
DD
Glove Pond
Gloria smiled at her guests. "Kyle Falconcrest! An honour to have you here in our charming, gracious home."
"Thank you. This is my wife, Brittany."
"Hello."
Steve said, "I'm glad you could take the time to visit our small, modest university. Can I get either of you a drink?" The young couple looked at each other. Brittany said, "Do you have any white wine?" "All we have is Scotch. Would you like some Scotch? No wait-we have some gin, too." Gloria's eyes widened; she would never surrender her private stock. Steve recanted: "No, just Scotch."
Kyle said, "Scotch is fine. On the rocks, please."
"We're out of ice cubes."
"Neat."
Steve went to fetch the drinks, and Gloria ushered Kyle and Brittany into the living room. "Kyle, your novel is magnificent."
"Thank you."
"I read it twice. It deserves all the acclaim it gets, and the huge royalty cheques you receive must sweeten life too."
Kyle blushed. Brittany said, "He's just today signed a second book deal."
Gloria veritably shrieked, half to her guests and half towards the kitchen, "A second book deal! How exciting! I can only imagine how much money it was for."
Brittany said, "It hits the papers tomorrow, so it won't be much of a surprise then. Ten million dollars."
Gloria almost fainted with pleasure. "Ten million dollars?" She called to Steve, coming in from the kitchen. "Young Kyle here is getting $10 million for his second novel."
"Is he?" It was the most Steve could do not to break a highball glass on the table edge and slit his own throat. "Let's have a drink, then."
He passed his guests their glasses and Gloria immediately proposed a toast: "To your $10 million book deal." Steve had no choice but to join in the clinking of glasses.
"What is your new novel about?" Gloria asked.
"It's a modern love story with a twist."
"A twist? How thrilling."
"It's about people who work in an office superstore."
"An office superstore?" Gloria was confused.
Steve, using the tone of voice adults use when proving to younger people that they know the current hip bands, said, "I was in one today, as a matter of fact. Staples."
"You didn't tell me that." Gloria felt betrayed.
Brittany volunteered a description. "They're those huge box stores near the freeway
She was a quiet child, and I used to think it was because she was smart and had ideas too large to put into words, but now I think she kept quiet to avoid having to engage in her mother's sordid life.
After she leaves, I'll have way too much time on my hands and will have no choice but to accept the fact that the chance of my falling in love again is zero. When did I reach that point? A few years ago?
I know the moment I finally understood it. It was that night at Denny's with you. It was like I saw myself at the next booth, sixty-eight years old, eating breakfast alone at three in the afternoon, using a coupon for a discount, with the only thing on my horizon going back to my condo to wait for my next meal.
So it's not like I haven't been thinking of you since that date. But when I do, I think about The Void. About loss. You may or may not deserve this, but that's what I see. You may well be the male equivalent of me-a certain age, a grocery list of bad decisions-whatever. Stay away from my daughter. She has a nice healthy thing maybe going with some guy there-Kyle?-and I don't want you messing with that. Act your age. Go get hammered at some bar. But leave my daughter alone.
DD
Glove Pond
Gloria smiled at her guests. "Kyle Falconcrest! An honour to have you here in our charming, gracious home."
"Thank you. This is my wife, Brittany."
"Hello."
Steve said, "I'm glad you could take the time to visit our small, modest university. Can I get either of you a drink?" The young couple looked at each other. Brittany said, "Do you have any white wine?" "All we have is Scotch. Would you like some Scotch? No wait-we have some gin, too." Gloria's eyes widened; she would never surrender her private stock. Steve recanted: "No, just Scotch."
Kyle said, "Scotch is fine. On the rocks, please."
"We're out of ice cubes."
"Neat."
Steve went to fetch the drinks, and Gloria ushered Kyle and Brittany into the living room. "Kyle, your novel is magnificent."
"Thank you."
"I read it twice. It deserves all the acclaim it gets, and the huge royalty cheques you receive must sweeten life too."
Kyle blushed. Brittany said, "He's just today signed a second book deal."
Gloria veritably shrieked, half to her guests and half towards the kitchen, "A second book deal! How exciting! I can only imagine how much money it was for."
Brittany said, "It hits the papers tomorrow, so it won't be much of a surprise then. Ten million dollars."
Gloria almost fainted with pleasure. "Ten million dollars?" She called to Steve, coming in from the kitchen. "Young Kyle here is getting $10 million for his second novel."
"Is he?" It was the most Steve could do not to break a highball glass on the table edge and slit his own throat. "Let's have a drink, then."
He passed his guests their glasses and Gloria immediately proposed a toast: "To your $10 million book deal." Steve had no choice but to join in the clinking of glasses.
"What is your new novel about?" Gloria asked.
"It's a modern love story with a twist."
"A twist? How thrilling."
"It's about people who work in an office superstore."
"An office superstore?" Gloria was confused.
Steve, using the tone of voice adults use when proving to younger people that they know the current hip bands, said, "I was in one today, as a matter of fact. Staples."
"You didn't tell me that." Gloria felt betrayed.
Brittany volunteered a description. "They're those huge box stores near the freeway
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