past who doesn’t even ring a bell. But suddenly, it’s very, very hard to
convince myself that any of this is real.
Austin was real. He looked at me like I meant the
world to him, like he’d been looking for me for years. And I didn’t even
recognize him.
“I want to know,” I say. “I’m supposed to forget my past,
but it keeps coming back. I’m tired of feeling like this, of feeling like I’m
incomplete.”
“Then we seem to be at an impasse, love.” Mab slides her
feet off the desk and leans over to me. “Because I won’t change your contract.
You came to this show because you wanted to forget. I gave you your wish and
then some. If I renegotiate with you, the rest of the troupe will want the same
grace. I cannot do this. There is already too much chatter going around
for my liking.”
I should tell her about Sheena. I should tell her I know I’m
being singled out. I should tell her this isn’t just about Austin—this is about
everything in my past suddenly boiling to the surface. I might have wanted to
forget, but it’s starting to look like that desire was my greatest curse.
“I can’t keep hiding from this,” I say.
“Actually, my dear,” she says, looking over to Kingston, “I
think you’ll find you can.”
“No,” I say. The glance they share sends chills down my
spine. I push back my chair. “No, I’m not going to let you make me forget this.
Not again. Not anymore.”
Mab looks back at me. Kingston studiously stares at the
desk.
“Why did you come here, then?” she asks. “If not to forget
once more, why did you come to tell me what I already knew?”
“It was me,” Kingston says. His voice is hollow. Mab shoots
him another glance, this one far from understanding. “I brought her here.”
“Do explain,” she says slowly.
“I can’t keep this up,” he says. He sounds so tired. Even
though my emotions are fighting within me, I want to feel sorry for him. But
that pity is nothing compared to the rage I feel building, the lurching
recognition of betrayal.
“Keep what up?” I ask. I already feel my stomach dropping
through the trailer floor.
“Knowing,” he says. He looks at me then. His eyes are lost.
“Knowing that I’m not the only one. That if not for this,”—he waves his hand
and a trail of sparks flicker in its wake—“you might still be with him.
Underneath all of the magic, you might still be in love.”
My jaw clenches. I stare at Kingston and feel my heart
splitting apart. I want to hate him, but it’s obvious this is killing him too.
He’s right. How can I say I love him when there’s an equally good chance I’m
still in love with a man from my past? How can I say that any of this—any of us— is
real?
“It’s your choice,” Mab says. She sounds resigned.
“Technically speaking, I should have him wipe your memory immediately, as per
your contract. But I am willing to be lenient this once; I suppose, after your
help with Penelope and Lilith, I owe you this. You can remember. This one
instance, I’ll let you keep a shard of your past.”
“Thank you,” Kingston whispers, barely loud enough to be
heard.
I look at Mab and realize that, in spite of Kingston’s
relief, it’s still my choice to make. She stares at me with an amused
expression on her face, as though she’s secretly delighted things are working
out this way. I open my mouth to make my decision, but she cuts me off before I
take a breath.
“Before you answer, be sure you understand fully what this entails.
Magic is unpredictable at best. If I let you keep this memory, other cracks
will appear. That is the nature of manipulating the human mind. I cannot be
held responsible for what emerges. Furthermore, should you begin to remember
too much, I will be forced to clean the slate fully, as it were. With or
without your blessing. Your contract demands as much.” She looks from me to
Kingston. “It would also be wise to mention, ignorance is bliss. Especially
where
convince myself that any of this is real.
Austin was real. He looked at me like I meant the
world to him, like he’d been looking for me for years. And I didn’t even
recognize him.
“I want to know,” I say. “I’m supposed to forget my past,
but it keeps coming back. I’m tired of feeling like this, of feeling like I’m
incomplete.”
“Then we seem to be at an impasse, love.” Mab slides her
feet off the desk and leans over to me. “Because I won’t change your contract.
You came to this show because you wanted to forget. I gave you your wish and
then some. If I renegotiate with you, the rest of the troupe will want the same
grace. I cannot do this. There is already too much chatter going around
for my liking.”
I should tell her about Sheena. I should tell her I know I’m
being singled out. I should tell her this isn’t just about Austin—this is about
everything in my past suddenly boiling to the surface. I might have wanted to
forget, but it’s starting to look like that desire was my greatest curse.
“I can’t keep hiding from this,” I say.
“Actually, my dear,” she says, looking over to Kingston, “I
think you’ll find you can.”
“No,” I say. The glance they share sends chills down my
spine. I push back my chair. “No, I’m not going to let you make me forget this.
Not again. Not anymore.”
Mab looks back at me. Kingston studiously stares at the
desk.
“Why did you come here, then?” she asks. “If not to forget
once more, why did you come to tell me what I already knew?”
“It was me,” Kingston says. His voice is hollow. Mab shoots
him another glance, this one far from understanding. “I brought her here.”
“Do explain,” she says slowly.
“I can’t keep this up,” he says. He sounds so tired. Even
though my emotions are fighting within me, I want to feel sorry for him. But
that pity is nothing compared to the rage I feel building, the lurching
recognition of betrayal.
“Keep what up?” I ask. I already feel my stomach dropping
through the trailer floor.
“Knowing,” he says. He looks at me then. His eyes are lost.
“Knowing that I’m not the only one. That if not for this,”—he waves his hand
and a trail of sparks flicker in its wake—“you might still be with him.
Underneath all of the magic, you might still be in love.”
My jaw clenches. I stare at Kingston and feel my heart
splitting apart. I want to hate him, but it’s obvious this is killing him too.
He’s right. How can I say I love him when there’s an equally good chance I’m
still in love with a man from my past? How can I say that any of this—any of us— is
real?
“It’s your choice,” Mab says. She sounds resigned.
“Technically speaking, I should have him wipe your memory immediately, as per
your contract. But I am willing to be lenient this once; I suppose, after your
help with Penelope and Lilith, I owe you this. You can remember. This one
instance, I’ll let you keep a shard of your past.”
“Thank you,” Kingston whispers, barely loud enough to be
heard.
I look at Mab and realize that, in spite of Kingston’s
relief, it’s still my choice to make. She stares at me with an amused
expression on her face, as though she’s secretly delighted things are working
out this way. I open my mouth to make my decision, but she cuts me off before I
take a breath.
“Before you answer, be sure you understand fully what this entails.
Magic is unpredictable at best. If I let you keep this memory, other cracks
will appear. That is the nature of manipulating the human mind. I cannot be
held responsible for what emerges. Furthermore, should you begin to remember
too much, I will be forced to clean the slate fully, as it were. With or
without your blessing. Your contract demands as much.” She looks from me to
Kingston. “It would also be wise to mention, ignorance is bliss. Especially
where
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