The Intern's Handbook: A Thriller by Shane Kuhn Page B

hundred files updated and looking tip-top, I make an impression on Hartman and asshole lawyer guy. Normally, I am not into making impressions, but this gig, and probably my life, depend on me winning one of the three slots. So, through the weekend and over the next few days, I keep impressing them with the work. Hundreds of delinquent files that had been collecting dust and roach wings are now viable, and the partners can bill for the work! I am making them some money now, and with their base rate of $750/hour, I am making them a lot of fucking money .

9
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THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM
    I am sitting in my cube, admiring the work Bob and his crack team have done for me that day, when none other than Bendini, one of the partners, walks up with asshole lawyer guy. Of course, asshole lawyer guy is playing the part of congenial business guy so that he can suck up to his boss. Bendini ignores him and gently places his hand on my shoulder. He is probably in his early sixties and looks like what I always imagined Geppetto, Pinocchio’s puppet maker “father,” had looked like. He is thin and fit, but his skin has some serious city miles on it. He wears a thick, old-timey mustache that is always in need of a trim. His watery blue eyes are shockingly kind, and I find myself depressed that I never had a real grandfather. This is the way he is looking at me, like a benevolent grandfather. He offers his hand. I stand and shake it.
    “What’s your name, son?”
    “John.”
    “My son’s name is John.”
    Fuck. Memory hook.
    “It’s a good name.”
    You can hear asshole lawyer guy’s eyes rolling a mile away.
    “John, I’m having a hard time believing you’re just an intern.”
    Double fuck. I know he doesn’t know why I’m there, but he’s complimenting me the way you compliment someone you believe is an undiscovered talent or star.
    “I enjoy working here.”
    “Well, you are doing a standout job. We’ve billed into six figures since you’ve been in Wills and Trusts.”
    These guys love money more than their own children.
    “My father was in Wills and Trusts.”
    “He must have been a force to be reckoned with in your . . . hometown.”
    Hometown was well seasoned with snooty condescension. I’m not from the actual hometown he was referring to, but I felt offended and then congratulated myself for owning it.
    “Thank you for saying so.”
    “I came over to congratulate you on securing one of our three intern positions.”
    Yes. Hell yes. There are three days left in the competition and I am already in. This will put me on many shit lists and radar screens, but FUCK IT, this is my last gig. They are never going to see me again. Now more than ever I am tempted to try to have a little bit of fun on this assignment, even though I know that’s a bad idea. You can’t assign fun to the murder of another human being. It just doesn’t work that way. I am telling you this because I don’t want you to ever get cocky. Ego is your worst enemy, and people will stroke it when you blow them away with your work ethic. But you have to let it go because it can start to cloud your judgment.
    “Thank you, sir. I’m honored.”
    “You’re welcome. A man of few words. Good.”
    I just smile. I would be an idiot to speak after what he just said.
    “I’ll see you around the floor.”
    They both walk off, asshole lawyer yipping in Bendini’s ear like an annoying lapdog. Bendini looks back at me as they walk. It’s the look of a man who just found a diamond in the rough.

10
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TURNING TRICKS FOR THE GOLDEN TICKET
    A fter turning in my four hundreth viable file, Alice walks into my cube. She makes herself comfortable on my small desk, which improves my entire cube decor exponentially.
    “Well, this is certainly an improvement on your previous assignment.”
    “I’ve been looking for you.”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah, I believe I owe you some beers and wings, counselor.”
    She just got the associate position, beating out the