The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore Page B
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: Humor
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Smiley, he my friend from way back – my partner, see. So Isays I will get the Blues to jump on him, but he got to promise not to get mad how I do it. So he say okay, and I say okay, and I sets to sic the Blues on him so we can go to Chicago and Dallas and makes us some records and get us some Cadillacs and so on like them boys Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker and them.
Smiley, he had him a wife name of Ida May, sweet little thing. Hekeep her up there inClarksville. And he always sayin how hedon't have to worry 'bout Ida May when he on the road cause she love him true and only. So one day I tell Smiley they's a man down Baton Rouge got him a prime Martin guitar he gonna sell for ten dollars, and would Smiley go get it for me cause I got me a case of the runs and can't take the train ride.
So Smiley ain't out of town half a day before I takes me some liquor and flowers and make my visit on little Ida May. She's a young thing, ain't much for drinkin liquor, but once I tells her that ol' Smiley done got hisself runned over by a train, she takes to drinkin like a natural (in between the screamin and cryin and all, and I had my own self some tears too, he being my partner and all, God rest his soul). And before you know it I'm givin' Ida May some good lovin to comfort her in her time of grief and all.
And you know when Smiley get back, he don't say a word 'bout my sleepin with Ida May. He say he
sorry he can't find the man with the guitar, gives me my ten dollars, an' say he got to go home 'cause Ida May so happy to see him she been doing him special all day. I say, "Well, she done me special too," and he say that okay, her being sad and me being his best friend. That boy was greased to the Blues, and they just wouldn't stick to him.
So I borrowed a Model T Ford, drove over to Smiley's, and done run over his dog, who was fled up in the yard.
"That dog was old anyways," hesay. "I had him since I was a boy. Time I get Ida May a puppy anyways."
"You ain't sad?" I say.
"Naw," hesay. "That ol' dog had his time."
"You hopeless, Smiley.I gots to do some ponderin."
So Iponders.Takin me two days to come up with a way to put the Blues on ol' Smiley. But you know, even when that boy standing there over the smokin ashes of his house, Ida May in one arm and his guitar in the other, he don't do nothin but thank God they had time to get out without gettin burnt up.
Preacher once told me that theyis people who rises to tragedy. He says colored folk gots to rise to tragedy like ol' Job in the Bible, iffin they gonna get they propers. So Ifigures that Smiley is one of them who rises to tragedy, get stronger when bad things come on him.But they more than one way to get the Blues on you. Ain't just bad things happening, sometime it good things not happenin – disappointment, iffin you know what I mean?
So I hears that down Biloxi way, round 'bout one of them salt marshes on the Gulf, they is a catfish big as a rowboat but nobody can catch him. Even a white man down there will give five hundred dollars to the man bring that big ol' catfish in. Now you know people be trying to catch him, but they don't have no luck. So I tells Smiley I got me a secret recipe, and we gonna go get that catfish, get that money, and go up toChicago and make us a record.
Now I knows they ain't no catfish big as a rowboat and iffin there was, he'd be caught by now, but Smiley need him a disappointment iffin the Blues gonna jump on him. So Ispends the whole ride down there buildin up that boy's hopes.Cadillacs and big ol' houses ridin on the back of that catfish.We ridin in that ol' dog-killin Model T Ford, two hundred feet a rope and some shark hooks in the back with my secret catfish recipe. I figure we get us some bait on the way, and sho' nuff, I accidentally run me over two chickens got too close to the road.
'For dark we down on the bayou where that ol' cat spose to live.Them days 'bout half the counties in Mississippi got signs say: NIGGER, DON'T LET THE
Smiley, he had him a wife name of Ida May, sweet little thing. Hekeep her up there inClarksville. And he always sayin how hedon't have to worry 'bout Ida May when he on the road cause she love him true and only. So one day I tell Smiley they's a man down Baton Rouge got him a prime Martin guitar he gonna sell for ten dollars, and would Smiley go get it for me cause I got me a case of the runs and can't take the train ride.
So Smiley ain't out of town half a day before I takes me some liquor and flowers and make my visit on little Ida May. She's a young thing, ain't much for drinkin liquor, but once I tells her that ol' Smiley done got hisself runned over by a train, she takes to drinkin like a natural (in between the screamin and cryin and all, and I had my own self some tears too, he being my partner and all, God rest his soul). And before you know it I'm givin' Ida May some good lovin to comfort her in her time of grief and all.
And you know when Smiley get back, he don't say a word 'bout my sleepin with Ida May. He say he
sorry he can't find the man with the guitar, gives me my ten dollars, an' say he got to go home 'cause Ida May so happy to see him she been doing him special all day. I say, "Well, she done me special too," and he say that okay, her being sad and me being his best friend. That boy was greased to the Blues, and they just wouldn't stick to him.
So I borrowed a Model T Ford, drove over to Smiley's, and done run over his dog, who was fled up in the yard.
"That dog was old anyways," hesay. "I had him since I was a boy. Time I get Ida May a puppy anyways."
"You ain't sad?" I say.
"Naw," hesay. "That ol' dog had his time."
"You hopeless, Smiley.I gots to do some ponderin."
So Iponders.Takin me two days to come up with a way to put the Blues on ol' Smiley. But you know, even when that boy standing there over the smokin ashes of his house, Ida May in one arm and his guitar in the other, he don't do nothin but thank God they had time to get out without gettin burnt up.
Preacher once told me that theyis people who rises to tragedy. He says colored folk gots to rise to tragedy like ol' Job in the Bible, iffin they gonna get they propers. So Ifigures that Smiley is one of them who rises to tragedy, get stronger when bad things come on him.But they more than one way to get the Blues on you. Ain't just bad things happening, sometime it good things not happenin – disappointment, iffin you know what I mean?
So I hears that down Biloxi way, round 'bout one of them salt marshes on the Gulf, they is a catfish big as a rowboat but nobody can catch him. Even a white man down there will give five hundred dollars to the man bring that big ol' catfish in. Now you know people be trying to catch him, but they don't have no luck. So I tells Smiley I got me a secret recipe, and we gonna go get that catfish, get that money, and go up toChicago and make us a record.
Now I knows they ain't no catfish big as a rowboat and iffin there was, he'd be caught by now, but Smiley need him a disappointment iffin the Blues gonna jump on him. So Ispends the whole ride down there buildin up that boy's hopes.Cadillacs and big ol' houses ridin on the back of that catfish.We ridin in that ol' dog-killin Model T Ford, two hundred feet a rope and some shark hooks in the back with my secret catfish recipe. I figure we get us some bait on the way, and sho' nuff, I accidentally run me over two chickens got too close to the road.
'For dark we down on the bayou where that ol' cat spose to live.Them days 'bout half the counties in Mississippi got signs say: NIGGER, DON'T LET THE
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