The Mommy Miracle by Lilian Darcy Page A

understanding they are. They seem to know exactly what a rider is capable of, whether they have cerebral palsy or a missing limb or autism. I want to ride again. I need to ride. My life just can’t change that much.” She had to blink back tears, and was shocked at the way her emotions had shifted so fast. “Dev, I know this isn’t what we should be talking about. We should be talking about…about DJ, but that’s too big for me right now.”
    He reached across the table and covered her hand with his. “Nobody said we had to work everything out in one night.”
    â€œNo. Okay. Good.”
    â€œJust eat. Talk about horses, if you want.”
    â€œI think I should go home after we eat.”
    â€œSo I’ll take you home.”
    â€œThank you.” She was tired of saying the words, but it seemed as if there were a thousand thank-yous she needed to give, and at least half of them belonged to Dev.
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    Jodie was quiet in the car, and Dev didn’t push. It had been a huge day, for both of them.
    Certain things stood out from the mess of conflicting emotions. First, the fact that she had never been given a real chance to hold DJ. He didn’t know if that was his fault, if he should have made space for it— forced it—in the highly charged atmosphere between himself, Elin and Barb. Second, her wobbly little question about whether they were dating. Last fall seemed so long ago to him, but to her it must be so much fresher.
    Those nights together. They were vivid and real for him if he thought about them, but too much had been overlaid since, and he didn’t think about them often. Hehadn’t been in love with her last fall, and he couldn’t have fallen in love with her during her long sleep. This wasn’t Sleeping Beauty or Snow White.
    There’d been desire in their relationship, yes…a ton of it. Care, even. But “in love” meant forever, and he couldn’t see it, he wasn’t open to it, not with anyone. It didn’t fit with the way he saw himself and his life, and it never had.
    He loved his parents. He admired them. They were good people. But marriage had made them so slow and staid. They never left their comfort zone. They never seemed to want newness or adventure or zest. His mother said it to him sometimes, with a combination of smugness and resignation. “You’ll feel differently when you’re married…. You won’t care about those things when you’re married with a family.”
    He’d seen it with most of his married friends, too. They began eating at the same restaurant every week. “They do such a good veal parmigiano.” They didn’t renew their passport when it expired. “We won’t really travel until the kids are in college. Well, Orlando, of course, for the theme parks.”
    If marriage meant losing the capacity for curiosity and courage and adventure, he didn’t want it. He’d decided this at twenty and nothing had yet happened to make him change his mind.
    Not even DJ, because how would it be good for her, to submit to an institution he didn’t want to belong to, purely for her sake?
    All he wanted was to know that she was loved, so he could get his own life back on track and stop existing in this limbo of uncertainty.
    He wondered what would be happening at the Palmer house. When he pulled into the driveway there was novisible light in DJ’s room. The night-light would be too dim to show from the street. Was she down for the night? Should he take her home?
    Jodie hadn’t even touched her yet. Had he been wrong to let Barb and Elin whisk the baby back here? Should he have just ordered them to leave? He didn’t want the conflict that came with their differing interpretations of what Jodie needed. He wanted to see the bond between Jodie and DJ, but he was scared of it, too.
    Scared of its potential power.
    He jumped out of the car and came around to