The Mopwater Files by John R. Erickson Page B

them.
    â€œThis is disgraceful! I demand that you turn me loose, right now and this very minute.” The brothers grinned. “Because if you don’t release me and put an end to this disgraceful folly, I shall have to employ drastic measures.”
    â€œHar, har, har.”
    â€œAnd if I am forced to do so, you will regret it.”
    â€œHar, har, har.”
    â€œVery well. You leave me no choice. I will now summon my bodyguard. Timothy! Oh Timothy! Come, Timothy, come at once and give these ruffians a taste of their own medicine.”
    At that very moment, I heard a slithering sound behind me, and then felt something . . . uh . . . cold and creepy moving along my right side. I didn’t really want to know what it might be, but my eyes sort of wandered to the right and . . .
    Yipes! I found myself looking straight into the eyes of the biggest, ugliest rattlesnake I’d seen since the last time I’d crossed paths with Big Tim, Madame Moonshine’s personal bodyguard.
    He gave me a glare that sent pins and needles down my backbone. Oh, and he stuck out his tongue. On impulse, I pushed his head away.
    â€œWill you point that thing somewhere else, you dumbbell snake! The guys you want are right over there in the clearing.” His tail began to rattle. “What I meant to say was . . . hi, Tim, how’s it going, fella, and the ruffians are straight ahead and to the left.”
    He continued to rattle and glare at me.
    â€œI’m really not part of this deal, Tim, no kidding. I’m just an innocent bystander who’s . . . uh . . . inno­cently standing by, so to speak. And you’re looking for coyotes, right? Over there. See, I may look like a coyote but I’m actually a dog. Honest. No kidding.”
    He was still rattling.
    â€œOkay, forget what I said about you being a dumbbell snake. You’re not a dumbbell snake at all. You’re one of the nicest, sweetest . . .”
    Madame’s voice cut me off. “Timothy! Come here at once.”
    Big Tim gave me one last hateful look and slith­ered into battle, whilst I finished my thought—under my breath, of course. “You’re one of the ugliest dumbbell snakes I ever met.”
    Well, Big Tim made his appearance on the scenery. Madame Moonshine smiled at the brothers and announced, “And this is Timothy, my personal bodyguard. As you can see, he is a turbocharged western diamondback rattlesnake, and he is armed with the very deadliest of poisons.”
    Rip and Snort winked at each other and grinned. “Coyote brothers not even tinier bit scared of body­guarded snake.”
    â€œWell, you should be. Why, Timothy once spat upon an enormous tree and it withered and died, before our very eyes. What he might do to a couple of unkempt, ill-mannered ragamuffin coyotes, we can only imagine.”
    They laughed again. “Ha! Ragamuffin coyotes not worrying about fat stupid snake. Ragamuffin coyotes wrap fatter stupidest snake around tree and tie in knot, ho ho.”
    Madame gave them a wise smile. “Oh you think you will, do you? I think not. Timothy?” He threw himself into a coil, began buzzing, and pointed his head at the brothers. “Timothy, we are being harrassed by these ignoramuses. Show them what we think of ignoramuses. Charge! Tallyho!”
    By George, it was one of the shortest fights in history. In a matter of seconds, Rip and Snort had old Timothy wrapped around a hackberry tree and tied in a knot. He looked like a Christmas wreath.
    I told you those guys were tough.

    They returned to Madame Moonshine, who wasn’t looking quite as spunky as she had before. Snort grinned down at her.
    â€œWhat Momma Moonbeam think of ignoramuses now?”
    She blinked her big owlish eyes. “I think you are ill-mannered, foul-smelling, uncivilized ruffians.” They howled with glee. They loved it. “I think you should be ashamed of yourselves.” More laughter.