The Other Teddy Roosevelts by Mike Resnick Page B

Roosevelt, sir,” said Baldy. He poured himself a drink, lifted it to his lips, then froze.
    “It’s not poisoned,” said Roosevelt.
    “Then you drink it first,” said Baldy.
    “I don’t like to imbibe,” said Roosevelt, lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a swallow. “But I’ll have enough to convince you that it’s perfectly safe.”
    Baldy stood back, just in case Roosevelt was about to collapse, and when the Commissioner remained standing and flashed him a toothy smile, he downed his drink, and Eye-Patch followed suit a moment later.
    “That’s mighty good stuff, sir,” said Baldy.
    “I’m glad you like it,” said Roosevelt.
    “Maybe we was wrong about you,” continued Baldy. “Maybe you ain’t such a bad guy after all.” He poured himself another drink.
    “You still ain’t told us what we’re here for,” said Eye- Patch. “You got to want something from us.”
    “Just the pleasure of your company,” said Roosevelt. “I figure men who get to know each other are less likely to be enemies.”
    “That suits me fine,” said Baldy. “You mind if I sit down?”
    “That’s what chairs are for,” said Roosevelt. He picked up the bottle, walked over to each of them, and refilled their glasses.
    “They say you spent some time out West as a cowboy, sir,” said Baldy. “Maybe you’d like to tell us about it. I ain’t never been west of the Hudson River.”
    “I’d be happy to,” said Roosevelt. “But I wasn’t a cowboy. I was a rancher, and I hunted bear and elk and buffalo, and I spent some time as a lawman.”
    “You ever run into Doc Holliday or Billy the Kid?” asked Eye- Patch.
    Roosevelt shook his head. “No, I was in the Dakota Bad Lands and they were down in New Mexico and Arizona. But I did bring in three killers during the Winter of the Blue Snow.”
    He spent the next half hour telling them the story and making sure that their glasses stayed full. When he was done he walked to the door and opened it.
    “This was most enjoyable, gentlemen,” he said. “We must do it again very soon.”
    “Suits me fine,” slurred Baldy. “You’re an okay guy, Mr. Roosevelt, sir.”
    “That goes for me, too,” said Eye-Patch.
    Roosevelt put an arm around each of them. “Anyone care for one last drink?”
    Both men smiled happily at the mention of more liquor, and just then a man stepped into the doorway. There was a loud pop! and a blinding flash of light.
    “What the hell was that?” asked Eye-Patch, blinking his one functioning eye furiously.
    “Oh, just a friend. Pay him no attention.”
    They had their final drink and staggered to the door.
    “Boys,” said Roosevelt, “you’re in no condition to walk home, and I don’t have a horse and buggy at my disposal. I suggest you spend the night right here. You won’t be under arrest, your cell doors won’t be locked or even closed, and you can leave first thing in the morning or sooner if you feel up to it.”
    “And you won’t lock us in or keep us if we want to leave?” said Eye-Patch.
    “You have my word on it.”
    “Well, they say you word is your bond…”
    “I say we do it,” said Baldy. “If we don’t, I’m going to lay down and take a little nap right here.”
    “I’ll summon a couple of men to take you to your quarters,” said Roosevelt. He stepped into the corridor outside his office, waved his hand, and a moment later the two men were led to a pair of cells. True to his word, Roosevelt insisted that the doors be kept open.
    When they woke up, Roosevelt was standing just outside the cells, staring at them.
    “Good morning, gentlemen,” he said. “I trust you slept well?”
    “God, my head feels like there’s an army trying to get out,” moaned Baldy.
    “We’re free to go, right?” said Eye-Patch.
    “Right,” said Roosevelt. “But I thought we might have a little chat first.”
    “More stories about cowboy outlaws?”
    “No, I thought we’d talk about New York City