‘I really do worry about you. And I hope you don’t think I’m
trying to stop you being independent.’
‘No. Of course
not. I always want you to tell me things….to give me advice. I know
I’m not like you…’ I broke off unable to speak. I wasn’t nothing
compared to my father. He was…well, quite extraordinary. I was glad
that I hadn’t disappointed him.
‘I think,’ said
Leo, ‘We are quite at cross purposes. You and I, we both are
together on this… but everything is trying to divide us. We are in
need of some peace of mind. Laura seems to think that you ought to
spend some time with Karis. And this time I agree…. But then that
is up to you.’
I looked away.
Did my resolve that seemed so bright and certain the other day,
have the power to make me face the thing I feared the most…
myself?
‘I’m scared
Dad… I’m very frightened.’ I paused and breathed in and out to slow
my rising anxiety, ‘I don’t want to let out a monster. I don’t want
to get lost in the power that might be inside me. I still don’t
know how to control it.’
Leo regarded me
with such compassion. His eyes were smiling, kind and full of that
same life. ‘You are seriously underestimating yourself,’ he said,
‘you have not failed. You made one mistake when you were a child.
It is not the whole story.’
‘But how do I
stop making mistakes?’
‘It’s a
learning process. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the whole
thing.’
‘So what did I
do?’
‘I think,’ here
he looked up as if he had heard something, ‘I believe that you have
to find your own level; to make peace with yourself. But let people
in… the ones you love. Let them in Son…. they are here for a
reason. And you have heart that is bigger and wiser than that mind
of yours, which is scattering its stray patterns all over the
place. Be kind; to yourself, please. And if you will, be with us
more….and bring Marcia.’
‘You do like
her?’
‘She is that
One in a Million-million.’ Leo touched me lightly on the chest
then, ‘In there you know. But in here…’ here he put his hand on my
forehead, ‘you doubt… I can see that. Don’t reject her Jared. I
know what it is to bend to another. But do this willingly. We all
have difficulties to keep in mind. But let you heart be certain and
true.’ He touched my chest again then. I felt a warmth flow through
me. I felt completely peaceful and sat back on the bench. Leo
turned back to the garden.
‘It’s so
beautiful here.’ He said and fell silent after that.
Karis was
bashing dough on the kitchen table, with a floured board in front
of her. There was a wonderful smell of baking.
‘No you don’t!’
she said, when she saw me eyeing up the pastries that were cooling
on a rack, ‘You can’t wait for it.’
‘What are you
making?’
‘Spelt bread,
with olives.’
‘Roman
bread?’
‘Very good. You
are obviously taking an interest in the more important things.’
‘Baking?’
‘Marcia.’ She
stopped and looked at me to see my reaction.
‘I’m falling
for her.’ I said. Karis was the one person I could be that obvious
with.
‘No you aren’t…
you’ve already fallen; and gone splat!’ she laughed and put the
dough in a bowl to rise. ‘I know that look… I just do. It was the
same as Laura and Leo….’ she trailed off and looked a way for a
moment. It was often like this. Karis was, to all intents and
purposes, my Mother’s closest friend and confidant. But that made
it odd for Janey and me. Karis talked quite naturally about them in
that way. It was what she had always known. But she tried not to
say things like that to us. It’s was always a little difficult to
know what to do.
‘Laura and
Leo,’ I said, ‘are quite the soppy romantics under all that exotic
layers of peculiarity. I really think Laura is looking fantastic
today.’
Karis rolled
her eyes with surprise, as if I just told her I had started
knitting as a hobby.
‘I see that
Marcia
trying to stop you being independent.’
‘No. Of course
not. I always want you to tell me things….to give me advice. I know
I’m not like you…’ I broke off unable to speak. I wasn’t nothing
compared to my father. He was…well, quite extraordinary. I was glad
that I hadn’t disappointed him.
‘I think,’ said
Leo, ‘We are quite at cross purposes. You and I, we both are
together on this… but everything is trying to divide us. We are in
need of some peace of mind. Laura seems to think that you ought to
spend some time with Karis. And this time I agree…. But then that
is up to you.’
I looked away.
Did my resolve that seemed so bright and certain the other day,
have the power to make me face the thing I feared the most…
myself?
‘I’m scared
Dad… I’m very frightened.’ I paused and breathed in and out to slow
my rising anxiety, ‘I don’t want to let out a monster. I don’t want
to get lost in the power that might be inside me. I still don’t
know how to control it.’
Leo regarded me
with such compassion. His eyes were smiling, kind and full of that
same life. ‘You are seriously underestimating yourself,’ he said,
‘you have not failed. You made one mistake when you were a child.
It is not the whole story.’
‘But how do I
stop making mistakes?’
‘It’s a
learning process. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the whole
thing.’
‘So what did I
do?’
‘I think,’ here
he looked up as if he had heard something, ‘I believe that you have
to find your own level; to make peace with yourself. But let people
in… the ones you love. Let them in Son…. they are here for a
reason. And you have heart that is bigger and wiser than that mind
of yours, which is scattering its stray patterns all over the
place. Be kind; to yourself, please. And if you will, be with us
more….and bring Marcia.’
‘You do like
her?’
‘She is that
One in a Million-million.’ Leo touched me lightly on the chest
then, ‘In there you know. But in here…’ here he put his hand on my
forehead, ‘you doubt… I can see that. Don’t reject her Jared. I
know what it is to bend to another. But do this willingly. We all
have difficulties to keep in mind. But let you heart be certain and
true.’ He touched my chest again then. I felt a warmth flow through
me. I felt completely peaceful and sat back on the bench. Leo
turned back to the garden.
‘It’s so
beautiful here.’ He said and fell silent after that.
Karis was
bashing dough on the kitchen table, with a floured board in front
of her. There was a wonderful smell of baking.
‘No you don’t!’
she said, when she saw me eyeing up the pastries that were cooling
on a rack, ‘You can’t wait for it.’
‘What are you
making?’
‘Spelt bread,
with olives.’
‘Roman
bread?’
‘Very good. You
are obviously taking an interest in the more important things.’
‘Baking?’
‘Marcia.’ She
stopped and looked at me to see my reaction.
‘I’m falling
for her.’ I said. Karis was the one person I could be that obvious
with.
‘No you aren’t…
you’ve already fallen; and gone splat!’ she laughed and put the
dough in a bowl to rise. ‘I know that look… I just do. It was the
same as Laura and Leo….’ she trailed off and looked a way for a
moment. It was often like this. Karis was, to all intents and
purposes, my Mother’s closest friend and confidant. But that made
it odd for Janey and me. Karis talked quite naturally about them in
that way. It was what she had always known. But she tried not to
say things like that to us. It’s was always a little difficult to
know what to do.
‘Laura and
Leo,’ I said, ‘are quite the soppy romantics under all that exotic
layers of peculiarity. I really think Laura is looking fantastic
today.’
Karis rolled
her eyes with surprise, as if I just told her I had started
knitting as a hobby.
‘I see that
Marcia
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