you’re not a
total douche and she deserves a reply. She invited you to her
twenty-ninth birthday party, after all. The polite thing to do is
RSVP.”
I purse my lips, annoyed.
“ And you’re doing it with me looking over
your shoulder because this email reply is gonna give me
near-orgasmic pleasure. And you like giving me pleasure, right,
baby?”
I grumble.
“Aw, poor Josh has to put on his big-boy pants. Come
on. Just hit her with some compassionate honesty. The more you do
it, the easier it gets. Trust me.”
“I just don’t like hurting people’s feelings.”
She scoffs. “And letting her twist in the wind is
gonna hurt her feelings less than an honest email? I’ve been in her
shoes with guys, and believe me, a girl feels like a piece of shit
when a guy doesn’t even give her the courtesy of a reply.”
“There’s a man alive who didn’t give you the
courtesy of a reply?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Turned out the guy was married.”
“Ooph.”
“And I had absolutely no idea.”
“God, men are such pricks.”
She laughs. “Come on. Quit stalling. You’re so
damned good at distracting me.”
“I already told her twice . Once in New York
and then again on the phone after Reed’s party. She’s just deaf or
dumb, I guess.”
“No, you think you told her, but you must not
have.” She shrugs. “First rule of PR, Josh: failure to communicate
is on the speaker, not the listener.”
I let out a loud puff of air. “I was pretty damned
clear both times, Kat.”
“Obviously not,” Kat says. “She’s really into you,
Josh—which means she’s hearing what she wants to hear and telling
you what she thinks you want to hear. You need to shut the door and
turn the frickin’ lock.” She pauses pointedly. “Unless you don’t want to shut the door?”
“Gimme a fucking break.”
She motions to the screen. “Then, type.”
I begin typing again. “I hope you have a great
birthday,” I write, saying the words out loud as I do. “I won’t be
able to join you. I’m...” I stop typing. “You’re gonna rewrite all
of this, aren’t you?”
“Just keep going.”
“Well, shit. You write it, for fuck’s sake.
What am I gonna say to the girl, ‘I’m not into you? I used you for
sex? I was thinking of Kat when I fucked you’?”
Kat’s face lights up like the Fourth of July. “Oh, I
like that.” She motions to the screen. “Write that.”
“I’m not gonna write that .”
“Is it the truth?”
“Well, yeah.”
“All of it?”
“Yeah.”
“Even the part about you thinking of me while
fucking her?”
“Of course. I already told you that.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I sure as hell did.”
“No.”
“Well, if I didn’t, lemme tell you now. I couldn’t
stop thinking about you, fantasizing about you, jacking off while
thinking about you—and you wouldn’t leave your date with Cameron
Fucking Schulz for me and I was pissed and frustrated as hell.”
“Oh, well, that’s something different than thinking
about me while having sex with Jen.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Saying you worked yourself up into sexual
frustration by jacking off and thinking about me and then fucked Jen to relieve your frustration is quite different from
saying you fucked her and thought of me while doing it . See
the difference?”
I put my hand on my forehead like she’s giving me a
splitting headache.
“Do you see the difference?”
“Yes. I see the difference.”
“Likewise, whatever you said to Jen in New York and
on the phone after Reed’s party wasn’t the same thing as, ‘I am not
remotely interested in you in any way, shape or form, so leave me
the hell alone.’ Whatever you said to her, she interpreted to mean,
‘I am not interested in a serious relationship with you, but
I will quite happily continue to casually fuck you.’”
I close my eyes, trying to escape the
total douche and she deserves a reply. She invited you to her
twenty-ninth birthday party, after all. The polite thing to do is
RSVP.”
I purse my lips, annoyed.
“ And you’re doing it with me looking over
your shoulder because this email reply is gonna give me
near-orgasmic pleasure. And you like giving me pleasure, right,
baby?”
I grumble.
“Aw, poor Josh has to put on his big-boy pants. Come
on. Just hit her with some compassionate honesty. The more you do
it, the easier it gets. Trust me.”
“I just don’t like hurting people’s feelings.”
She scoffs. “And letting her twist in the wind is
gonna hurt her feelings less than an honest email? I’ve been in her
shoes with guys, and believe me, a girl feels like a piece of shit
when a guy doesn’t even give her the courtesy of a reply.”
“There’s a man alive who didn’t give you the
courtesy of a reply?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Turned out the guy was married.”
“Ooph.”
“And I had absolutely no idea.”
“God, men are such pricks.”
She laughs. “Come on. Quit stalling. You’re so
damned good at distracting me.”
“I already told her twice . Once in New York
and then again on the phone after Reed’s party. She’s just deaf or
dumb, I guess.”
“No, you think you told her, but you must not
have.” She shrugs. “First rule of PR, Josh: failure to communicate
is on the speaker, not the listener.”
I let out a loud puff of air. “I was pretty damned
clear both times, Kat.”
“Obviously not,” Kat says. “She’s really into you,
Josh—which means she’s hearing what she wants to hear and telling
you what she thinks you want to hear. You need to shut the door and
turn the frickin’ lock.” She pauses pointedly. “Unless you don’t want to shut the door?”
“Gimme a fucking break.”
She motions to the screen. “Then, type.”
I begin typing again. “I hope you have a great
birthday,” I write, saying the words out loud as I do. “I won’t be
able to join you. I’m...” I stop typing. “You’re gonna rewrite all
of this, aren’t you?”
“Just keep going.”
“Well, shit. You write it, for fuck’s sake.
What am I gonna say to the girl, ‘I’m not into you? I used you for
sex? I was thinking of Kat when I fucked you’?”
Kat’s face lights up like the Fourth of July. “Oh, I
like that.” She motions to the screen. “Write that.”
“I’m not gonna write that .”
“Is it the truth?”
“Well, yeah.”
“All of it?”
“Yeah.”
“Even the part about you thinking of me while
fucking her?”
“Of course. I already told you that.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I sure as hell did.”
“No.”
“Well, if I didn’t, lemme tell you now. I couldn’t
stop thinking about you, fantasizing about you, jacking off while
thinking about you—and you wouldn’t leave your date with Cameron
Fucking Schulz for me and I was pissed and frustrated as hell.”
“Oh, well, that’s something different than thinking
about me while having sex with Jen.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Saying you worked yourself up into sexual
frustration by jacking off and thinking about me and then fucked Jen to relieve your frustration is quite different from
saying you fucked her and thought of me while doing it . See
the difference?”
I put my hand on my forehead like she’s giving me a
splitting headache.
“Do you see the difference?”
“Yes. I see the difference.”
“Likewise, whatever you said to Jen in New York and
on the phone after Reed’s party wasn’t the same thing as, ‘I am not
remotely interested in you in any way, shape or form, so leave me
the hell alone.’ Whatever you said to her, she interpreted to mean,
‘I am not interested in a serious relationship with you, but
I will quite happily continue to casually fuck you.’”
I close my eyes, trying to escape the
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