The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter by Matt Paxton, Phaedra Hise Page B

assemble the parts of the plane. Instead, Ben was living entirely in the “reward” phase, giving himself lots of praise for being an aviation expert in the making. In his mind, he was happily on his way toward that inevitable, wonderful future.
    The reality for Ben was that getting rid of his clutter might have cleared enough space for him to start a few actual projects. But in his mind, throwing anything away was tantamount to throwing away that glittering future. In his mind he simply couldn’t separate the junk from the valuables—or wasn’t prepared to cope with the task of separating one from the other.
    For hoarders, the fake future is the place where they will be successful and happy, and everyone will love them. They can’t think about what others close to them may want—or need—such as a clean house or more quality time together. To make a significant change in their lives, hoarders like Ben or Lucy, the crafter, have to reject their fantasies and learn to accept whatever rewards of reality they can.
▶ Perfect Past
    Roxanne was hoarding her daughter’s baby items to hold on to a past that never really existed. Her relationship with her daughter had always been strained, and since the daughter had moved out she had broken off all contact with Roxanne. That separation was too painful for Roxanne, so she spent ten years building an alternative reality.
    Roxanne’s thoughts of the past were colored with nostalgia for a time when there were no arguments, no blame, and no hoarding. Each doll or teddy bear conjured up feel-good memories. As long as she had the mementos, she could visit that fantasyland anytime she wanted to escape the bleak reality of her trailer park home, her isolation, and her deteriorating health.
    It has been my experience that many hoarders, like Roxanne, are trying to cope with a tragic childhood. And they have to take a huge and very painful leap into reality each time they agree to part with a possession.
▶ Easy Love
    For a hoarder like Margaret, animals are a source of unconditional love. They are always around for a pat or a hug, they are always happy to see her, and they won’t voluntarily leave. It’s an easy relationship for her to maintain—she feeds and pets them, and they love her unconditionally. They don’t demand anything, they don’t offer any challenges, and most importantly, they don’t complain about the hoarding.
    I have worked with many hoarders who have had failed relationships, often through no fault of their own. Many were abused as children or have been in abusive marriages. Someone who has been hurt that badly has trouble trusting again. Instead, attaching to animals or possessions is much safer and easier. When given the opportunity to get another pet, animal hoarders focus on that easy love and not the reality of whether or not they can actually take care of the animal.
    Ironically, the hoarding also keeps people at bay—people hoarders see as threatening. Safe behind the piles, where nobody will reach out and try to engage them in a healthy relationship, hoarders don’t run the risk of being hurt again. Taking hoarders’ stuff makes them feel vulnerable; they lose their safety net, and that’s a terrifying prospect.

THE HOARDER’S STATE OF MIND
    To the outsider, the hoarder may appear to be lazy, hostile, or irrational. But really, it’s about deep-seated sadness or anger that may mask or be exacerbated by other mental disorders.
    I didn’t set out to write a medical textbook but rather to dispel some of the myths that surround hoarding and give those who are trying to help a sense of the underlying causes of this condition. For family, friends, and professionals whose response may go quickly from sympathy to exasperation and resentment, it is helpful to have an understanding of the psychology of the hoarder—and all the factors that play into this pathology.
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