at keeping her mouth shut, you know that. Do you think she would have stayed silent when she saw you if she knew the plan? Never.”
“But if she does discover it, then what?”
Fred paused. “Then I’m doomed. Totally, infinitely, inextricably and horrendously doomed.”
Fred likes long words. He says they’re his indelible trademark. (See what I mean?) I think that of the three of us he is probably the most dramatic. Nothing is ever just ordinary with Fred – it’s always either the very, very best or the very, very worst.
“That would be your second doom prophecy day in a row,” Madillo said, with a suitably stricken face.
“No, that can only happen once the doom of the first one has been fulfilled. That’s how it works. Doom prophecy – doom fulfilment,” Fred said.
The King and Queen of Exaggeration, that’s who they are.
As an example. If there was a green mamba in the mango tree in our back garden, I would say, “There’s a green mamba in the garden, we need to find Ifwafwa, the snake man, to take it away.”
Madillo would say, “You will never believe what just happened. The biggest green mamba ever seen in this road, probably in this city, is in the mango tree out the back. No one knows how it came to be here, but it’s very strange that it chose our back garden and our mango tree. We’ll have to see whether we can track down Ifwafwa to help us solve the mystery.”
And Fred would say, “A cataclysmic event has just taken place. We are all lucky to have survived it. An evil spirit, clothed in the sinuous body of a green mamba, has taken up residence in the twins’ mango tree. If Ifwafwa is still alive we will summon him. If he isn’t, we are all condemned to a miserable and slow death.”
Yes. I am surrounded by them.
Madillo looked at Fred. “Well, if she doesn’t know we’ll just have to make sure it carries on that way, won’t we?”
I was starting to get a small niggle of regret in the back of my mind about this plan. Here we were, about to smuggle ourselves into the boot of an ancient yellow car being driven by an even older, slightly mad person who had, let’s not forget, recently become a kidnapping and murder suspect. Not to mention the rumour of a Man-Beast on the loose.
Mum and Dad would have no idea at all where we were, and I would be losing a full day in my investigation (which in my black notebook I was now calling An Enquiry into Unusual Disappearances).
Mum once took us to watch this movie called
127 Hours
about a guy who got trapped in a canyon for 127 hours and had to cut his own arm off to escape. The main point of the movie, as far as I could see, was that you should always tell people where you’re going so that if you disappear they know where to look for you. This guy didn’t tell anyone, and every hour that passed while he was helplessly trapped by this rock he regretted it.
I didn’t want to end up with a movie being made about us called
The Mystery of the Disappearing Twins.
Imagine if Mum and Dad had to appear on ZTV crying and saying, “They never told us where they were going. All they said was that they were sleeping over at Fred’s house next door. Please bring our daughters back safely.”
Maybe the newspapers would accuse them of being careless parents, which would be awful. And even more awful would be the fact that we would have just disappeared off the face of the earth, two lying ungrateful children.
On the plus side, Dad gave us mini smart phones for our last birthday, despite Mum objecting to it, because they have GPS in them and he said it meant we could always be found. I’m not sure if that works when the battery is flat though, and Madillo’s is always flat. I’ll just have to make sure mine is charged.
We walked into the classroom and Sister’s face twisted itself into the almost-kind look. “Ah, Fred, you’re back. Are you better?”
He nodded. He’s not that delighted about being Sister’s favourite, but she
“But if she does discover it, then what?”
Fred paused. “Then I’m doomed. Totally, infinitely, inextricably and horrendously doomed.”
Fred likes long words. He says they’re his indelible trademark. (See what I mean?) I think that of the three of us he is probably the most dramatic. Nothing is ever just ordinary with Fred – it’s always either the very, very best or the very, very worst.
“That would be your second doom prophecy day in a row,” Madillo said, with a suitably stricken face.
“No, that can only happen once the doom of the first one has been fulfilled. That’s how it works. Doom prophecy – doom fulfilment,” Fred said.
The King and Queen of Exaggeration, that’s who they are.
As an example. If there was a green mamba in the mango tree in our back garden, I would say, “There’s a green mamba in the garden, we need to find Ifwafwa, the snake man, to take it away.”
Madillo would say, “You will never believe what just happened. The biggest green mamba ever seen in this road, probably in this city, is in the mango tree out the back. No one knows how it came to be here, but it’s very strange that it chose our back garden and our mango tree. We’ll have to see whether we can track down Ifwafwa to help us solve the mystery.”
And Fred would say, “A cataclysmic event has just taken place. We are all lucky to have survived it. An evil spirit, clothed in the sinuous body of a green mamba, has taken up residence in the twins’ mango tree. If Ifwafwa is still alive we will summon him. If he isn’t, we are all condemned to a miserable and slow death.”
Yes. I am surrounded by them.
Madillo looked at Fred. “Well, if she doesn’t know we’ll just have to make sure it carries on that way, won’t we?”
I was starting to get a small niggle of regret in the back of my mind about this plan. Here we were, about to smuggle ourselves into the boot of an ancient yellow car being driven by an even older, slightly mad person who had, let’s not forget, recently become a kidnapping and murder suspect. Not to mention the rumour of a Man-Beast on the loose.
Mum and Dad would have no idea at all where we were, and I would be losing a full day in my investigation (which in my black notebook I was now calling An Enquiry into Unusual Disappearances).
Mum once took us to watch this movie called
127 Hours
about a guy who got trapped in a canyon for 127 hours and had to cut his own arm off to escape. The main point of the movie, as far as I could see, was that you should always tell people where you’re going so that if you disappear they know where to look for you. This guy didn’t tell anyone, and every hour that passed while he was helplessly trapped by this rock he regretted it.
I didn’t want to end up with a movie being made about us called
The Mystery of the Disappearing Twins.
Imagine if Mum and Dad had to appear on ZTV crying and saying, “They never told us where they were going. All they said was that they were sleeping over at Fred’s house next door. Please bring our daughters back safely.”
Maybe the newspapers would accuse them of being careless parents, which would be awful. And even more awful would be the fact that we would have just disappeared off the face of the earth, two lying ungrateful children.
On the plus side, Dad gave us mini smart phones for our last birthday, despite Mum objecting to it, because they have GPS in them and he said it meant we could always be found. I’m not sure if that works when the battery is flat though, and Madillo’s is always flat. I’ll just have to make sure mine is charged.
We walked into the classroom and Sister’s face twisted itself into the almost-kind look. “Ah, Fred, you’re back. Are you better?”
He nodded. He’s not that delighted about being Sister’s favourite, but she
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