The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror by Christopher Moore Page A
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: Humor
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church?"
"Up the street you'll come to some woods. Go through them about a hundred yards."
"Thank you," said the blond man. He walked off.
Theo jumped back into the Volvo, threw it into drive. If he had to run over the guy again, so be it. But when he looked up from the dash, no one was there. It suddenly occurred to him that Molly might still be at the old chapel.
* * *
Her house smelled of eucalyptus and sandalwood and had a woodstove with a glass window that warmed the room with orange light. The bat was locked outside for the night.
"You're a cop?" Lena said, moving away from Tucker Case on the couch. She'd gotten past the bat. He'd explained the bat, sort of. He'd been married to a woman from a Pacific island and had gotten the bat in a custody battle. Things like that happened. She'd gotten the house they were sitting in, in her divorce from Dale, and it still had a black marble Jacuzzi tub with bronze Greek erotic figures inset in a border around the edge. The jetsam of divorce can be embarrassing, so you couldn't fault someone a bathtub or fruit bat rescued out of love's shipwreck, but he might have mentioned he was a cop before he suggested burying her ex and going to dinner.
"No, no, not a real cop. I'm here working for the DEA." Tuck moved closer to her on the couch.
"So you're a drug cop?" He didn't look like a cop. A golf pro, maybe, that blond hair and the lines around the eyes from too much sun, but not a cop. A TV cop, maybe – the vain, bad cop, who has something going on with the female district attorney.
"No, I'm a pilot. They subcontract independent helicopter pilots to fly agents into pot-growing areas like Big Sur so they can spot patches hidden in the forest with infrared. I'm just working for them here for a couple of months."
"And after a couple of months?" Lena couldn't believe she was worried about commitment from this guy.
"I'll try to get another job."
"So you'll go away."
"Not necessarily. I could stay."
Lena moved back toward him on the couch and examined his face for the hint of a smirk. The problem was, since she'd met him, he'd always worn the hint of a smirk. It was his best feature. "Why would you stay?" she said. "You don't even know me."
"Well, it might not be about you." He smiled.
She smiled back. It was about her. "It is about me."
"Yeah."
He was leaning over and there was going to be a kiss and that would be okay, she thought, if the night hadn't been so horrible. It would be okay if they hadn't shared so much history in so short a time. It would be okay if, if…
He kissed her.
Okay, she was wrong. It was okay. She put her arms around him and kissed him back.
Ten minutes later she was down to just her sweater and panties, she had driven Tucker Case deeply enough into the corner of the couch that his ears were baffled with cushions, and he couldn't hear her when she pushed back from him and said, "This doesn't mean that we're going to bed together."
"Me, too," said Tuck, pulling her closer.
She pushed back again. "You can't just assume that this is going to happen."
"I think I have one in my wallet," he said, trying to lift her sweater over her head.
"I don't do this sort of thing," she said, wrestling with his belt buckle.
"I had a test for my pilot physical a month ago," he said as he liberated her breasts from their combed cotton yoke of oppression. "Clean as a whistle."
"You're not listening to me!"
"You look beautiful in this light."
"Does doing this so soon after, you know – does doing this make me evil?"
"Sure, you can call it a weasel if you want to."
And so, with that tender honesty, that frank connection, the coconspirators chased away each other's loneliness, the smell of grave-digging sweat rising romantic in the room as they fell in love. A little.
* * *
Despite Theo's concern, Molly wasn't at the old chapel, she was getting a visit from an old friend. Not a friend, exactly, but a voice from the past.
"Up the street you'll come to some woods. Go through them about a hundred yards."
"Thank you," said the blond man. He walked off.
Theo jumped back into the Volvo, threw it into drive. If he had to run over the guy again, so be it. But when he looked up from the dash, no one was there. It suddenly occurred to him that Molly might still be at the old chapel.
* * *
Her house smelled of eucalyptus and sandalwood and had a woodstove with a glass window that warmed the room with orange light. The bat was locked outside for the night.
"You're a cop?" Lena said, moving away from Tucker Case on the couch. She'd gotten past the bat. He'd explained the bat, sort of. He'd been married to a woman from a Pacific island and had gotten the bat in a custody battle. Things like that happened. She'd gotten the house they were sitting in, in her divorce from Dale, and it still had a black marble Jacuzzi tub with bronze Greek erotic figures inset in a border around the edge. The jetsam of divorce can be embarrassing, so you couldn't fault someone a bathtub or fruit bat rescued out of love's shipwreck, but he might have mentioned he was a cop before he suggested burying her ex and going to dinner.
"No, no, not a real cop. I'm here working for the DEA." Tuck moved closer to her on the couch.
"So you're a drug cop?" He didn't look like a cop. A golf pro, maybe, that blond hair and the lines around the eyes from too much sun, but not a cop. A TV cop, maybe – the vain, bad cop, who has something going on with the female district attorney.
"No, I'm a pilot. They subcontract independent helicopter pilots to fly agents into pot-growing areas like Big Sur so they can spot patches hidden in the forest with infrared. I'm just working for them here for a couple of months."
"And after a couple of months?" Lena couldn't believe she was worried about commitment from this guy.
"I'll try to get another job."
"So you'll go away."
"Not necessarily. I could stay."
Lena moved back toward him on the couch and examined his face for the hint of a smirk. The problem was, since she'd met him, he'd always worn the hint of a smirk. It was his best feature. "Why would you stay?" she said. "You don't even know me."
"Well, it might not be about you." He smiled.
She smiled back. It was about her. "It is about me."
"Yeah."
He was leaning over and there was going to be a kiss and that would be okay, she thought, if the night hadn't been so horrible. It would be okay if they hadn't shared so much history in so short a time. It would be okay if, if…
He kissed her.
Okay, she was wrong. It was okay. She put her arms around him and kissed him back.
Ten minutes later she was down to just her sweater and panties, she had driven Tucker Case deeply enough into the corner of the couch that his ears were baffled with cushions, and he couldn't hear her when she pushed back from him and said, "This doesn't mean that we're going to bed together."
"Me, too," said Tuck, pulling her closer.
She pushed back again. "You can't just assume that this is going to happen."
"I think I have one in my wallet," he said, trying to lift her sweater over her head.
"I don't do this sort of thing," she said, wrestling with his belt buckle.
"I had a test for my pilot physical a month ago," he said as he liberated her breasts from their combed cotton yoke of oppression. "Clean as a whistle."
"You're not listening to me!"
"You look beautiful in this light."
"Does doing this so soon after, you know – does doing this make me evil?"
"Sure, you can call it a weasel if you want to."
And so, with that tender honesty, that frank connection, the coconspirators chased away each other's loneliness, the smell of grave-digging sweat rising romantic in the room as they fell in love. A little.
* * *
Despite Theo's concern, Molly wasn't at the old chapel, she was getting a visit from an old friend. Not a friend, exactly, but a voice from the past.
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