Tel me!
Just darknes Dad. Just the little black hole & the darknes behind it & . . .
He shovd me back. Stil he grippd my hed. He swivelld it so I lookd arl arownd him.
And whats arownd me whats beyond me whats abuv me whats belo?
Just the ordnary things Dad. Just the air & the flore & the roof & the walls & the fallin dust & the lite & then the stars.
Nothin els? Nothin els in the spayses?
No I wisperd.
No he said. Of cors thers not. Forgiv me Billy.
He siyed.
And forgiv me this.
He put his hand up to the scarf that was around his nek. He tuggd it & it slithered down into his hands. He held it between his two hands then qwikly rappd it rownd my throte. He pulld the scarf & pulld me closer to him. I smelt the smel of him & the insens & the wyn & the blak cigarettes & the sent of Dadnes in him. I saw the brite brite brite blueness of his eyes arownd the blak.
I cud do it he said. You no that Billy dont you?
Do what Dad? I wisperd bak.
He laffd.
It mite be the best thing I cud ever do for you he said. I cud do it to you then do it to her then do it to me & so it wud be dun & finishd with at last.
I dint want to speke nor move nor do anything that mite mayk him go away. I just wanted him to stay like I always wanted him to stay.
It wud send you strate to Hevan he said. And it wud mayk sure of my plase in Hell.
I kept on lookin bak into his blue blue eyes with the blak hole at the center. He pulld the scarf & it tiytend rownd my throte. He wotchd me. He pulld a littl tiyter. I cud fele that if he went on titenin the power of breth wud leav me.
Dont Daddy I gaspd. Plees dont.
Why not Billy?
He pulld it tiyter & he wotchd me as I choakd for breth as I shudderd as I sqirmd as I tryd to pul away the scarf with my own frale hands.
Then he releesd me. He cort his breth shook his hed took his hands away & lookd at them and tears started runnin from his eyes.
I loosend the scarf & then reechd owt to him put my arms arownd him.
Its alrite Dad I telt him.
How can it be? he wisperd.
He cort his breth agen & then he nelt befor me. He tilted his hed bak bared his throte.
It shud be you that dose it to me Billy he said. Do it now. Get a nife and kil me now.
I reechd owt tuchd his throte. Ther was stubbl on it but the skin was wite and soft and smooth. I cud fele his blud beatin his breth flowin his mussels tremblin. I felt the grissel & the bone & I imajind goin depe insyd goin depe down towards the hart of him.
He dint move as my fingers rested on him moved across him and felt the livin that was goin on in him.
It wud be no crime he said. No sin. Ther wud be nothing to forgiv & nobody enyway to do the forgivin.
I turnd from him. I reechd beneath the bed and got my stuff owt. I got the fether of the bird.
He wotchd and didnt move.
What you doin Billy he said.
Kepe stil Dad. Let me do it.
I rolld my sleev up opend the wound & dippd the point of the fether in. He lookd in a kind of horra. I rote my naym in blud across his throte.
I bene practising I said.
I cant see Billy.
Hold yor hand owt.
He held his hand owt.
I rote my name agen on the skin of the bak of his hand.
BILLY.
I rote his name.
WILFRED.
My hand was shudderin & the words wernt byutiful but they wer true.
O Billy! he said.
Its writ on skin I said. Like back in aynshent days.
I rote agen.
VERONICA.
I kept on shudderin & the fether was sharp & I pressd too hard & Dad winsd & a littl of his blud came owt & mingld with my own.
Im sorry Dad I said.
I wotchd him as he slowly rubbd the two bluds together with his fingertip until they dryd.
I told him agen I was sorry I dint mene it but he said it was nothin nothin.
I tuk a depe breth & dared myself.
I mayd a thing for you I said.
A thing?
Yes a thing.
I nelt down & reechd beneath the bed agen. Careflly lifted owt the book of skin. Shiverd shook & trembld as I held it owt to him.
This thing I telt him.
It lookd so tiny in his hands like a littl styupid bit of nothin. It showd how tiny
Just darknes Dad. Just the little black hole & the darknes behind it & . . .
He shovd me back. Stil he grippd my hed. He swivelld it so I lookd arl arownd him.
And whats arownd me whats beyond me whats abuv me whats belo?
Just the ordnary things Dad. Just the air & the flore & the roof & the walls & the fallin dust & the lite & then the stars.
Nothin els? Nothin els in the spayses?
No I wisperd.
No he said. Of cors thers not. Forgiv me Billy.
He siyed.
And forgiv me this.
He put his hand up to the scarf that was around his nek. He tuggd it & it slithered down into his hands. He held it between his two hands then qwikly rappd it rownd my throte. He pulld the scarf & pulld me closer to him. I smelt the smel of him & the insens & the wyn & the blak cigarettes & the sent of Dadnes in him. I saw the brite brite brite blueness of his eyes arownd the blak.
I cud do it he said. You no that Billy dont you?
Do what Dad? I wisperd bak.
He laffd.
It mite be the best thing I cud ever do for you he said. I cud do it to you then do it to her then do it to me & so it wud be dun & finishd with at last.
I dint want to speke nor move nor do anything that mite mayk him go away. I just wanted him to stay like I always wanted him to stay.
It wud send you strate to Hevan he said. And it wud mayk sure of my plase in Hell.
I kept on lookin bak into his blue blue eyes with the blak hole at the center. He pulld the scarf & it tiytend rownd my throte. He wotchd me. He pulld a littl tiyter. I cud fele that if he went on titenin the power of breth wud leav me.
Dont Daddy I gaspd. Plees dont.
Why not Billy?
He pulld it tiyter & he wotchd me as I choakd for breth as I shudderd as I sqirmd as I tryd to pul away the scarf with my own frale hands.
Then he releesd me. He cort his breth shook his hed took his hands away & lookd at them and tears started runnin from his eyes.
I loosend the scarf & then reechd owt to him put my arms arownd him.
Its alrite Dad I telt him.
How can it be? he wisperd.
He cort his breth agen & then he nelt befor me. He tilted his hed bak bared his throte.
It shud be you that dose it to me Billy he said. Do it now. Get a nife and kil me now.
I reechd owt tuchd his throte. Ther was stubbl on it but the skin was wite and soft and smooth. I cud fele his blud beatin his breth flowin his mussels tremblin. I felt the grissel & the bone & I imajind goin depe insyd goin depe down towards the hart of him.
He dint move as my fingers rested on him moved across him and felt the livin that was goin on in him.
It wud be no crime he said. No sin. Ther wud be nothing to forgiv & nobody enyway to do the forgivin.
I turnd from him. I reechd beneath the bed and got my stuff owt. I got the fether of the bird.
He wotchd and didnt move.
What you doin Billy he said.
Kepe stil Dad. Let me do it.
I rolld my sleev up opend the wound & dippd the point of the fether in. He lookd in a kind of horra. I rote my naym in blud across his throte.
I bene practising I said.
I cant see Billy.
Hold yor hand owt.
He held his hand owt.
I rote my name agen on the skin of the bak of his hand.
BILLY.
I rote his name.
WILFRED.
My hand was shudderin & the words wernt byutiful but they wer true.
O Billy! he said.
Its writ on skin I said. Like back in aynshent days.
I rote agen.
VERONICA.
I kept on shudderin & the fether was sharp & I pressd too hard & Dad winsd & a littl of his blud came owt & mingld with my own.
Im sorry Dad I said.
I wotchd him as he slowly rubbd the two bluds together with his fingertip until they dryd.
I told him agen I was sorry I dint mene it but he said it was nothin nothin.
I tuk a depe breth & dared myself.
I mayd a thing for you I said.
A thing?
Yes a thing.
I nelt down & reechd beneath the bed agen. Careflly lifted owt the book of skin. Shiverd shook & trembld as I held it owt to him.
This thing I telt him.
It lookd so tiny in his hands like a littl styupid bit of nothin. It showd how tiny
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