The Voyage of the Golden Handshake by Terry Waite Page B

engine-driver had been at school with Bernie and Paddy, and had a low regard for both, this meeting was rather abrupt. They were ushered by the Admiral into a minute compartment within which the Belles had thoughtfully placed several plump velvet cushions which, when sat on, elevated the party to a dangerous height. Had there been any bends on the line, the whole group would have been in grave danger of being tipped out. In this style they made their ceremonial way to the gangway.
    There were very few people indeed who were privy to the fact that the Golden Handshake had previously been a cattle and horse transporter. Visitors had remarked on occasions that there seemed to be a slight odour of the equine kingdom, but this was brushed aside by Harry, who informed them that the ship had transported members of the Olympic Equestrian Team and that leather saddles, and other items of equipment carried by the competitors, tended to leave behind their own aroma.
    Once safely up the gangway, the two guests were both seen to wrinkle their noses and glance at each other. The Admiral quickly moved them on into what had been the cattle-holding area and was now converted into a ballroom. A stage had been erected at one end and on it was a lectern and microphone. Hanging from the rather low ceiling was a banner which read: Golden Handshake World Cruise - Welcome.
    The room was nearly full of passengers, some of whom had managed to find a seat. Most stood around clutching yet another beaker of coloured liquid supplied by the ever-thoughtful Hotel Director. When the stage party entered, consisting of the Admiral and Lady Harrington, Paddy Patterson, Bernie Bollinger, Mr Harry Parkhurst, Captain Peché Sparda (now thankfully reunited with a new pair of trousers), Enzo Bigatoni and last, but certainly not least, Mr Radley Duvet, the whole room stood as though it was a school assembly.
    As Cruise Director it was Enzo’s responsibility to host theproceedings. He stepped carefully towards the lectern and it appeared as though he was speaking, although not a sound emanated from the equipment in the room.
    ‘Can’t hear!’ cried a voice from the floor. ‘Speak up!’ urged another.
    Enzo tried the time-honoured technique of tapping the microphone with his forefinger, to no avail. A technician appeared in the wings and began a crouched run towards the centre of the stage. Why he crouched no one knew as he was not obscuring the vision of anyone, but again technicians always do a crouched run when having to take the stage in an emergency and he was simply following tradition. He produced a large screwdriver and there was a sharp retort when sparks flew from Enzo’s hand-mike, which he promptly dropped. Another crouching technician appeared from the opposite side carrying a megaphone which he thrust into the empty hands of Enzo and left the stage.
    ‘Welcome everybody,’ began the Cruise Director, bellowing down the ship’s hailer. ‘Welcome to the World Cruise of the Golden Handshake.’
    This was to be the cue for one of the technical staff to start a gramophone record of the Band of the Royal Marines playing the National Anthem. Unfortunately, everyone had forgotten that the said gramophone had been pressed into urgent service the previous evening at the reception - and no one had thoughtto bring it to the ship. There was an awkward pause before the Admiral started to sing and everyone else joined in. At the end of the first verse several began to launch into the next stanza, but Enzo brought them to a ragged halt by holding one hand high in the air and waving it furiously.
    ‘Golden Cruisers,’ he intoned, ‘may I present to you the Commandant of the Fleet and the Owner of the Company, Rear Admiral Benbow Harrington, Retired, accompanied by his charming wife Lady Felicity Harrington.’
    The Admiral stepped forward and was handed the hailer by Enzo. His speech, which detailed the history of the company and the excellent safety record of