a fuckup." He tried sounding amused but behind it was deep regret.
"You _were _a fuckup. Don't forget--I was there. I was you."
We moved on in silence. It was a chilly night. I felt the cold stone sidewalk through the thin soles of my shoes.
"What's the girl like? Magda's daughter."
"Pauline? Very smart, does well in school. Keeps to herself."
"So what's she doing posing naked in front of a mirror in the middle of the night?"
"Trying on different identities, I guess."
Page 35
"She's not bad looking. Especially if she grows some tits."
Something big in me twitched. I didn't like that kind of talk about my stepdaughter, especially after the embarrassment of having just seen her naked myself. A moment later I was grinning because I realized it was _me _saying it. Seventeen-year-old me. Then he said something else diat took my mind in another direction.
"You're going to have to help me a lot `cause I don't know anything."
"What do you mean?"
He stopped and touched my arm. It was a brief touch, as if he didn't want to but it was necessary. "I know a few things but not as much as you probably think. Nothing about what's happened here since I left. I know what went on before, like when I was growing up and all, but nothing after that."
"Then why are you here?"
"Look at your cat. He's telling you."
Smith was still with us but walking in his own way: he wove in and out of our four legs as we moved along--as if he was sewing us together with invisible thread. Not an easy thing to do, but as with most cats, he made it look easy.
"I'm here because you need me. You need my help. Take a left here. We gotta go to the Schiavo house."
"You just said you didn't know anything about what's going on here now. How do you know about the Schiavos?"
"Look, I'm not here to trick you. I'll tell you what I know. If you think it's bullshit, that's your problem. Here's what I know about the Schiavos:
They're married and they disappeared from here the other day. We gotta go over to their house now because you gotta see something."
"Why?"
"I dunno."
"Who sent you?"
He shook his head. "Dunno."
"Where did you come from?"
"Dunno. You. I came from somewhere in you."
"You're as much help as a tumor."
He turned around and started walking backward, facing me as we went.
Page 36
"Whatever happened to Vince Ettrich?"
"Businessman. Lives in Seattle."
"Sugar Glider?"
"She married Edwin Loos. They live in Tuckahoe."
"Jesus, they actually _did _get married! Amazing. What about* *Al Salvato?"
"Dead. Him and his whole family in a car accident. Right* *outside of town."
"How old are you now?"
"Forty-seven. Don't you know that? They didn't tell you?"
He blew out his lower lip. "They didn't tell me shit. God didn't point a finger at me and say _Go! _It wasn't _The Ten Com-_
_mandments. _Fucking Charlton Heston parting the waters with his staff. I was just someplace one minute and now I'm here."
"That's very informative." I was about to say more but I heard the sound of hammering. It was three o'clock in the morning. "Hear that?"
He nodded. "Coming from down the street." A look in his eyes--a twitch, a dart from left to right and then back to me-- said the boy knew more than he was telling.
"You know what it is?"
"Let's just go, huh? Wait till we get there." He kept walking backward but wouldn't look at me anymore.
It was clear he wasn't going to say more so I pushed that topic aside and tried something else. "I still don't understand where you were.
You were there and now you're here. Where's _there?"_
"Where do you go when you take a nap? Or sleep at night? Someplace like that.
I don't really know. Someplace not here exactly but not far away either. All of who we are and were is always around. Just not in the same room anymore; the same house but not the same room."
Before I had a chance to mull that one over, we were a block away from the Schiavos'. Even from that distance I could see
"You _were _a fuckup. Don't forget--I was there. I was you."
We moved on in silence. It was a chilly night. I felt the cold stone sidewalk through the thin soles of my shoes.
"What's the girl like? Magda's daughter."
"Pauline? Very smart, does well in school. Keeps to herself."
"So what's she doing posing naked in front of a mirror in the middle of the night?"
"Trying on different identities, I guess."
Page 35
"She's not bad looking. Especially if she grows some tits."
Something big in me twitched. I didn't like that kind of talk about my stepdaughter, especially after the embarrassment of having just seen her naked myself. A moment later I was grinning because I realized it was _me _saying it. Seventeen-year-old me. Then he said something else diat took my mind in another direction.
"You're going to have to help me a lot `cause I don't know anything."
"What do you mean?"
He stopped and touched my arm. It was a brief touch, as if he didn't want to but it was necessary. "I know a few things but not as much as you probably think. Nothing about what's happened here since I left. I know what went on before, like when I was growing up and all, but nothing after that."
"Then why are you here?"
"Look at your cat. He's telling you."
Smith was still with us but walking in his own way: he wove in and out of our four legs as we moved along--as if he was sewing us together with invisible thread. Not an easy thing to do, but as with most cats, he made it look easy.
"I'm here because you need me. You need my help. Take a left here. We gotta go to the Schiavo house."
"You just said you didn't know anything about what's going on here now. How do you know about the Schiavos?"
"Look, I'm not here to trick you. I'll tell you what I know. If you think it's bullshit, that's your problem. Here's what I know about the Schiavos:
They're married and they disappeared from here the other day. We gotta go over to their house now because you gotta see something."
"Why?"
"I dunno."
"Who sent you?"
He shook his head. "Dunno."
"Where did you come from?"
"Dunno. You. I came from somewhere in you."
"You're as much help as a tumor."
He turned around and started walking backward, facing me as we went.
Page 36
"Whatever happened to Vince Ettrich?"
"Businessman. Lives in Seattle."
"Sugar Glider?"
"She married Edwin Loos. They live in Tuckahoe."
"Jesus, they actually _did _get married! Amazing. What about* *Al Salvato?"
"Dead. Him and his whole family in a car accident. Right* *outside of town."
"How old are you now?"
"Forty-seven. Don't you know that? They didn't tell you?"
He blew out his lower lip. "They didn't tell me shit. God didn't point a finger at me and say _Go! _It wasn't _The Ten Com-_
_mandments. _Fucking Charlton Heston parting the waters with his staff. I was just someplace one minute and now I'm here."
"That's very informative." I was about to say more but I heard the sound of hammering. It was three o'clock in the morning. "Hear that?"
He nodded. "Coming from down the street." A look in his eyes--a twitch, a dart from left to right and then back to me-- said the boy knew more than he was telling.
"You know what it is?"
"Let's just go, huh? Wait till we get there." He kept walking backward but wouldn't look at me anymore.
It was clear he wasn't going to say more so I pushed that topic aside and tried something else. "I still don't understand where you were.
You were there and now you're here. Where's _there?"_
"Where do you go when you take a nap? Or sleep at night? Someplace like that.
I don't really know. Someplace not here exactly but not far away either. All of who we are and were is always around. Just not in the same room anymore; the same house but not the same room."
Before I had a chance to mull that one over, we were a block away from the Schiavos'. Even from that distance I could see
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