shadow-casting grown-up sitting just within earshot, ready to run to our aid the moment something hurts us. We have to be that adult for ourselves.
Where this healthy self-empathy turns into a malignant self-pity is at the arrival of resentment. “Fuck everybody. Nobody gives a shit about me. Fuck them all.”
That is self-pity and it is dangerous because it signals a lack of accountability for one’s mental state and, worse, the outcome of one’s life. Self-pity can last for years. Sometimes, it can last a lifetime.
In preschool, when somebody hurts us, the teacher sees to it that the person who hurt us apologizes.
It is ingrained in us from a very early age that inflicted pain or wrongdoing or unfairness should and will be corrected.
Note the passive phrasing: “be corrected.” We will not, as children, take control and make sure these amends are delivered in a timely fashion. That is the job of the teacher.
When we learn behavior at a very early age, we forget about ever learning it but the behavior stays with us. Language is a perfect example. Who can remember learning to speak their native tongue? Who can recall their own toilet training?
Yet these learned behaviors have remained with us for our entire lives.
Even if we outgrow them.
In adults, self-pity turns darker and more dangerous as no playground rescue arrives.
The feeling solidifies into victimhood.
Somebody with a victim mentality believes life has screwed them over. Somebody with a victim mentality blames everybody else or “them” but takes no responsibility themselves.
This is the quicksand of life. Once you have become a victim, you may very well remain a victim for the rest of your life. Taking no responsibility, no action, and, as a result, seeing no change for the better.
The truth is that nobody is owed an apology for anything. Apologies are lovely when they happen. But they change nothing. They do not reverse actions or correct damage. They are merely nice to hear.
The truth is that life itself is brutally, obscenely unfair. Consider all those other millions of sperm cells that were just as good as the one that resulted in you, and where are they now? Dead, nowhere.
Fairness is not among the laws of the universe. This means, if somebody runs over your foot in a car and they don’t stop, that’s just too bad and it totally sucks and you better bust your ass to get yourself to the hospital right now so they can save the foot.
Avoid self-pity by taking responsibility for everything thathappens to you, even if somebody else is at fault. By taking responsibility, I don’t mean play doormat. I mean, repair yourself. Move forward. Move on. Then, only then, see if you can wrangle some empathy.
Most of us have love in our lives. Most of us love other people and are ourselves loved by others.
But make no mistake: you are alone in the world. You were born alone, even if you were born conjoined. And you die alone, unable to bring a single person with you.
Self-pity means waiting for that man with the glass slipper that perfectly fits your foot to knock on your door. Self-pity is waiting to be bottle-fed your dinner.
The truth behind the truth is this: even if you are a victim, you must never be a victim.
Even if you deserve to be one.
Because while you wait for somebody to come along and set things right, life has moved forward without you.
H OW TO B E C ONFIDENT
I
I N ORDINARY, DAILY CONVERSATION most people won’t admit to wishing they were less clingy and didn’t become so depressed when their girlfriend was out of town.
It’s unlikely a stranger seated beside you on the plane would turn to you and say, “Do you ever just wish you were more experimental, sexually? What I mean is, do you ever feel like you must be a really boring lay?”
Nearly everyone will freely admit to wishing they had more confidence . There seems to be an almost universal shortage of the stuff judging by the number of books, workshops, and
Where this healthy self-empathy turns into a malignant self-pity is at the arrival of resentment. “Fuck everybody. Nobody gives a shit about me. Fuck them all.”
That is self-pity and it is dangerous because it signals a lack of accountability for one’s mental state and, worse, the outcome of one’s life. Self-pity can last for years. Sometimes, it can last a lifetime.
In preschool, when somebody hurts us, the teacher sees to it that the person who hurt us apologizes.
It is ingrained in us from a very early age that inflicted pain or wrongdoing or unfairness should and will be corrected.
Note the passive phrasing: “be corrected.” We will not, as children, take control and make sure these amends are delivered in a timely fashion. That is the job of the teacher.
When we learn behavior at a very early age, we forget about ever learning it but the behavior stays with us. Language is a perfect example. Who can remember learning to speak their native tongue? Who can recall their own toilet training?
Yet these learned behaviors have remained with us for our entire lives.
Even if we outgrow them.
In adults, self-pity turns darker and more dangerous as no playground rescue arrives.
The feeling solidifies into victimhood.
Somebody with a victim mentality believes life has screwed them over. Somebody with a victim mentality blames everybody else or “them” but takes no responsibility themselves.
This is the quicksand of life. Once you have become a victim, you may very well remain a victim for the rest of your life. Taking no responsibility, no action, and, as a result, seeing no change for the better.
The truth is that nobody is owed an apology for anything. Apologies are lovely when they happen. But they change nothing. They do not reverse actions or correct damage. They are merely nice to hear.
The truth is that life itself is brutally, obscenely unfair. Consider all those other millions of sperm cells that were just as good as the one that resulted in you, and where are they now? Dead, nowhere.
Fairness is not among the laws of the universe. This means, if somebody runs over your foot in a car and they don’t stop, that’s just too bad and it totally sucks and you better bust your ass to get yourself to the hospital right now so they can save the foot.
Avoid self-pity by taking responsibility for everything thathappens to you, even if somebody else is at fault. By taking responsibility, I don’t mean play doormat. I mean, repair yourself. Move forward. Move on. Then, only then, see if you can wrangle some empathy.
Most of us have love in our lives. Most of us love other people and are ourselves loved by others.
But make no mistake: you are alone in the world. You were born alone, even if you were born conjoined. And you die alone, unable to bring a single person with you.
Self-pity means waiting for that man with the glass slipper that perfectly fits your foot to knock on your door. Self-pity is waiting to be bottle-fed your dinner.
The truth behind the truth is this: even if you are a victim, you must never be a victim.
Even if you deserve to be one.
Because while you wait for somebody to come along and set things right, life has moved forward without you.
H OW TO B E C ONFIDENT
I
I N ORDINARY, DAILY CONVERSATION most people won’t admit to wishing they were less clingy and didn’t become so depressed when their girlfriend was out of town.
It’s unlikely a stranger seated beside you on the plane would turn to you and say, “Do you ever just wish you were more experimental, sexually? What I mean is, do you ever feel like you must be a really boring lay?”
Nearly everyone will freely admit to wishing they had more confidence . There seems to be an almost universal shortage of the stuff judging by the number of books, workshops, and
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