Sunshine. You were always my good girl.” She stroked my hand. “Luke is Dusty’s boy, and you are my girl.” She drew me onto her lap. “Do you want to live with me in South Carolina?”
I gulped. “Today?”
“I wish.” She bit her lip. “They won’t let me have you until I—” Someone peered through the doorway. “First, I have to find us a nicer place to live, but I’m getting my act together. Anyway, we won’t have to worry about Dusty anymore.”
I was confused. “But you said that Luke belonged to him.”
Mr. Hooper took a chair and listened while my mother tried to explain that Luke was not going to be my brother any longer.
“Is he my brother now?”
“Yes, for a while longer.”
A blurry vision of the baby in the box tried to surface, yet I could not express my confusion. Seeing that I still did not understand, my mother took a deep breath and tried again. “He’s just going with his daddy.”
“Dusty’s his daddy?”
“Yes.”
“Who’s my daddy?”
“Oh, he went away.”
Tommy had gone away, and Luke had arrived not too long after. Maybe if Luke wasn’t around, I could be with my mother. “I can get another brother.”
When it was time for my mother to leave, we hugged so tightly, the worker had to pry me from her neck. “Be good,” she said with heaving sobs. “You’re my good girl. You’re my Sunshine. I’ll see you soon.”
I started to chase after her, but someone tugged me in the opposite direction. As we rounded the corner, I turned for a last view of my mother. She looked over, and her strangled voice called, “Good-bye, my Sunshine!”
I was still at the stage where I did not question anything she said. While I was already dubious about many of the foster parents and caseworkers, I do not remember being angry or resenting my mother. If she said she would return soon, then she would. I ignored her broken promises and pretended to be unaware of elapsed time when it came to her.
As the weather warmed, I could not wait to go swimming. I began with inflatable swimmies on my arms, which Mrs. Hagen deflated a little at a time. When I could swim the width of the pool without them, I was allowed to jump off the diving board. I loved to float on my back and try to find my mother’s face in the cotton-ball clouds.
The Hagens, who had been foster parents for more than twenty years, had decided to close their foster home. They prepared us by telling us that we would be moving at the end of the school year.
I was elated. “I’m going to my mother!”
“Not yet,” Mrs. Hagen explained. “But you are going to live with your brother.”
I was confused. I thought I was supposed to live with my mother and Luke would live with Dusty. I worried that my brother was somehow keeping me away from my mother. I tried to imagine the perfect foster mother for us both. She would have Adele’s melted-butter voice. She would prepare tea parties with a blue-flowered pot of hot tea, cinnamon toast cut into triangles, and cream-filled cookies on miniature plates. That would be an agreeable way to while away the time until our mother took us home. She would arrive in a red convertible, and we would drive with the top down all the way to South Carolina. When we got there, I would start second grade. Every day my mother would drive me to school, and in the afternoon she would be waiting to pick me up and give me huge hugs. Then we would go out for strawberry milk shakes and sing along to Joan Jett on the radio. My mother was coming to get me. So it did not matter where I lived for the next few weeks. Besides, how bad could it be?
5.
the wicked witch
My caseworkers changed more frequently than my placements. Miles Ferris was fairly new when he arrived at the Hagen house to take me to my next foster home. He had a gentle smile and puppy-dog eyes. Mrs. Hagen helped stuff my clothes, dolls, and sleeping bag into large plastic garbage bags. The hoopskirt of my favorite dress
I gulped. “Today?”
“I wish.” She bit her lip. “They won’t let me have you until I—” Someone peered through the doorway. “First, I have to find us a nicer place to live, but I’m getting my act together. Anyway, we won’t have to worry about Dusty anymore.”
I was confused. “But you said that Luke belonged to him.”
Mr. Hooper took a chair and listened while my mother tried to explain that Luke was not going to be my brother any longer.
“Is he my brother now?”
“Yes, for a while longer.”
A blurry vision of the baby in the box tried to surface, yet I could not express my confusion. Seeing that I still did not understand, my mother took a deep breath and tried again. “He’s just going with his daddy.”
“Dusty’s his daddy?”
“Yes.”
“Who’s my daddy?”
“Oh, he went away.”
Tommy had gone away, and Luke had arrived not too long after. Maybe if Luke wasn’t around, I could be with my mother. “I can get another brother.”
When it was time for my mother to leave, we hugged so tightly, the worker had to pry me from her neck. “Be good,” she said with heaving sobs. “You’re my good girl. You’re my Sunshine. I’ll see you soon.”
I started to chase after her, but someone tugged me in the opposite direction. As we rounded the corner, I turned for a last view of my mother. She looked over, and her strangled voice called, “Good-bye, my Sunshine!”
I was still at the stage where I did not question anything she said. While I was already dubious about many of the foster parents and caseworkers, I do not remember being angry or resenting my mother. If she said she would return soon, then she would. I ignored her broken promises and pretended to be unaware of elapsed time when it came to her.
As the weather warmed, I could not wait to go swimming. I began with inflatable swimmies on my arms, which Mrs. Hagen deflated a little at a time. When I could swim the width of the pool without them, I was allowed to jump off the diving board. I loved to float on my back and try to find my mother’s face in the cotton-ball clouds.
The Hagens, who had been foster parents for more than twenty years, had decided to close their foster home. They prepared us by telling us that we would be moving at the end of the school year.
I was elated. “I’m going to my mother!”
“Not yet,” Mrs. Hagen explained. “But you are going to live with your brother.”
I was confused. I thought I was supposed to live with my mother and Luke would live with Dusty. I worried that my brother was somehow keeping me away from my mother. I tried to imagine the perfect foster mother for us both. She would have Adele’s melted-butter voice. She would prepare tea parties with a blue-flowered pot of hot tea, cinnamon toast cut into triangles, and cream-filled cookies on miniature plates. That would be an agreeable way to while away the time until our mother took us home. She would arrive in a red convertible, and we would drive with the top down all the way to South Carolina. When we got there, I would start second grade. Every day my mother would drive me to school, and in the afternoon she would be waiting to pick me up and give me huge hugs. Then we would go out for strawberry milk shakes and sing along to Joan Jett on the radio. My mother was coming to get me. So it did not matter where I lived for the next few weeks. Besides, how bad could it be?
5.
the wicked witch
My caseworkers changed more frequently than my placements. Miles Ferris was fairly new when he arrived at the Hagen house to take me to my next foster home. He had a gentle smile and puppy-dog eyes. Mrs. Hagen helped stuff my clothes, dolls, and sleeping bag into large plastic garbage bags. The hoopskirt of my favorite dress
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