itâs the
kind
voice in your head. Itâs the one that says,
oh well, you tried your best. There wasnât anything you could have done. Time to give up.
I couldnât give in. The voice was right, though, I wasnât going to find Dill this way. So I changed tack and went in search of
her
.
I knew where she would be. Thereâs a broad, high headland where the ground is smooth and unbroken, a perfect laying ground for snow. It has fine views of the other heads as well, just the place for somebody who wants to admire their white, velvet-smooth domain.
Sure enough, when I huffed my way up the slope, there she was, standing at the highest point. Star-pure. Gleaming. All disguises cast aside. Something inside me quailed and bowed when I saw her. She made the snow looked dingy in comparison, and for a crazy moment I wanted to throw myself down and polish it, so that it was fit for her to tread.
She looked at me and smiled. I felt like a scuff mark on the world
âNo,â she said. The question I had not asked soured in my mouth. âNo, I will not give him back his power to spoil. I am disappointed that you would ask it.â
I swallowed hard. I stared around me at the lifeless purity of the scene. I thought of Dill and Mum. I found the smile I used in reception and spent a moment straightening it on my face.
âThatâs not why Iâm here,â I said.
She looked at me for a long moment. One of her eyebrows rose slowly. Perhaps she didnât believe me. Or perhaps I had her interest.
âYouâre beautiful,â I said. âYouâreâ¦
flawless
. I try so hard to be one of the people who make the world spotless. But⦠when I look at you, I see howgrubby and clumsy I am. I want to be more like you. Whatever you took from Dill, can you take it away from me too?â
Her gaze felt cold as it touched my scruffy hair, red nose, frayed gloves. She smiled again.
âVery well,â she said, and moved towards me.
As she drew closer, I kept my head bowed, breathing hard and forcing myself to stay still. She was two steps away, then one, and my skin was stinging with a terrible, blistering cold. Even with my gaze lowered, I could see her stooping to plant a kiss on my foreheadâ¦
⦠and at the last moment I ducked my head, and snatched at the bracelet of black beads around her wrist.
I yanked at the bracelet, and it gave. The beads sprang loose, but they did not tumble to the ground. Instead they whirled into the air and surrounded me, a swarm of wheeling black blobs.
The woman gave a thin sound of rage like a rising wind. It rose until the air shook, and I fled, half-blinded by the flurry of white flakes and black motes. As I ran, the beads pelted me, seeking exposed flesh. When they found it they clung and stung, buryingtheir way into my skin. The more they did so, the less my limbs felt like my own.
I tumbled repeatedly, crushing shrubs. I put my foot through the bridge outside the hotel, and flung the front door open so hard its windows shattered. Then I blundered through the hallways and corridors, leaving mud, snow and blood from a cut hand everywhere I went.
Mum had no patience with me. Five minutes before, she had noticed that Dill was missing, and she had been searching for him frantically ever since. She was sure I must have left the front door open when I went out for my âwalkâ. Fortunately we found his tracks in the snow, and followed them to his huddled, whimpering shape behind the shed.
Mum was so angry that she barely spoke a word to me for the rest of the night.
* * *
No. Things arenât back to normal. Not for me, anyway. Oh, Dill is much the way he used to be, and Mumâs even more protective now after âwhat nearly happenedâ.
But me? Iâm hopeless.
I spoil everything. I canât make a bed without ripping sheets. I canât clean a window without breaking it. I canât join a conversation without
kind
voice in your head. Itâs the one that says,
oh well, you tried your best. There wasnât anything you could have done. Time to give up.
I couldnât give in. The voice was right, though, I wasnât going to find Dill this way. So I changed tack and went in search of
her
.
I knew where she would be. Thereâs a broad, high headland where the ground is smooth and unbroken, a perfect laying ground for snow. It has fine views of the other heads as well, just the place for somebody who wants to admire their white, velvet-smooth domain.
Sure enough, when I huffed my way up the slope, there she was, standing at the highest point. Star-pure. Gleaming. All disguises cast aside. Something inside me quailed and bowed when I saw her. She made the snow looked dingy in comparison, and for a crazy moment I wanted to throw myself down and polish it, so that it was fit for her to tread.
She looked at me and smiled. I felt like a scuff mark on the world
âNo,â she said. The question I had not asked soured in my mouth. âNo, I will not give him back his power to spoil. I am disappointed that you would ask it.â
I swallowed hard. I stared around me at the lifeless purity of the scene. I thought of Dill and Mum. I found the smile I used in reception and spent a moment straightening it on my face.
âThatâs not why Iâm here,â I said.
She looked at me for a long moment. One of her eyebrows rose slowly. Perhaps she didnât believe me. Or perhaps I had her interest.
âYouâre beautiful,â I said. âYouâreâ¦
flawless
. I try so hard to be one of the people who make the world spotless. But⦠when I look at you, I see howgrubby and clumsy I am. I want to be more like you. Whatever you took from Dill, can you take it away from me too?â
Her gaze felt cold as it touched my scruffy hair, red nose, frayed gloves. She smiled again.
âVery well,â she said, and moved towards me.
As she drew closer, I kept my head bowed, breathing hard and forcing myself to stay still. She was two steps away, then one, and my skin was stinging with a terrible, blistering cold. Even with my gaze lowered, I could see her stooping to plant a kiss on my foreheadâ¦
⦠and at the last moment I ducked my head, and snatched at the bracelet of black beads around her wrist.
I yanked at the bracelet, and it gave. The beads sprang loose, but they did not tumble to the ground. Instead they whirled into the air and surrounded me, a swarm of wheeling black blobs.
The woman gave a thin sound of rage like a rising wind. It rose until the air shook, and I fled, half-blinded by the flurry of white flakes and black motes. As I ran, the beads pelted me, seeking exposed flesh. When they found it they clung and stung, buryingtheir way into my skin. The more they did so, the less my limbs felt like my own.
I tumbled repeatedly, crushing shrubs. I put my foot through the bridge outside the hotel, and flung the front door open so hard its windows shattered. Then I blundered through the hallways and corridors, leaving mud, snow and blood from a cut hand everywhere I went.
Mum had no patience with me. Five minutes before, she had noticed that Dill was missing, and she had been searching for him frantically ever since. She was sure I must have left the front door open when I went out for my âwalkâ. Fortunately we found his tracks in the snow, and followed them to his huddled, whimpering shape behind the shed.
Mum was so angry that she barely spoke a word to me for the rest of the night.
* * *
No. Things arenât back to normal. Not for me, anyway. Oh, Dill is much the way he used to be, and Mumâs even more protective now after âwhat nearly happenedâ.
But me? Iâm hopeless.
I spoil everything. I canât make a bed without ripping sheets. I canât clean a window without breaking it. I canât join a conversation without
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