out. I hobbled into the bathroom, watching my trembling hands as I sat on the toilet. My entire body shook, as if I was cold.
I’d never done anything so reckless in my life. That woman who spread out on the couch for Derek wasn’t me. I never lost control. Never .
I didn’t know how I allowed… that to happen, but I was struck with fear at the thought of leaving the bathroom and facing Derek again.
And not only did I allow it to happen, I acted like a ravenous loon. A little voice in my head whispered to me as I grabbed a handful of toilet paper: and you liked it, too.
I shook away the thought as I wiped, gasping.
“Oh, my God!”
I looked at the soaked toilet paper in my hand. We didn’t use a condom! The thought never popped in my mind- that’s how out of it I was.
I chucked the paper in the bowl and flushed just as he knocked on the door.
“Are you alright?”
“Y-yes,” I said in the most confident voice I could muster.
But I was definitely not alright. I was over the deep end. For someone with a newfound respect for life, I was acting dangerously and foolishly.
I turned the shower on and washed away my sin, my filth, my shame. But when I stepped out after re-doing my tangled bun, I still didn’t feel any better.
He sat on the couch when I emerged, and I spun on my heels to go in the opposite direction, bumping into a wall as I stumbled in the kitchen.
I could feel his presence in the kitchen before I saw him. I tensed when he grabbed my arm, chuckling to myself. How could I be uptight about his hand on my arm after what we’d just done?
“What is it?”
“I think you should go,” I said, jerking out of his grasp.
He grabbed my waist and spun me around, smacking my back against the fridge. I avoided his gaze, my cheeks hot from embarrassment.
He gripped my chin and lifted my face from the ground, forcing my eyes to meet his blazing gaze.
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
I sighed, relenting after my attempt to get away yielded me not an inch.
“I’m mortified, Derek. Th-that’s not who I am. Despite the fact that you and I will never see each other after we leave Colorado, I don’t want you to think of me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like a whore . ”
I didn’t want him to think I was loose, but actions spoke louder than words. And my actions were as clear as day.
He finally released me, leaning against a counter.
He shrugged. “Thought never crossed my mind. Were you able to put your repression-induced guilt aside long enough to enjoy yourself?”
I chewed on my lip, looking away. Not only did I enjoy myself, it was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t admit that because it would give him another opening, and that meant another chance for it to happen again.
He smoothed back my less than perfect bun. “You don’t have to answer. Your body gave me all the answers I needed to know.”
I stepped away, mortified at how I’d lost control. But he pulled me back to him, my heart racing from the close touch despite my shame.
“I know it’s a lot to sort through, Shae. You’ve probably spent your entire life avoiding your sexuality; you have a lot to process. What happened was natural, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. And while you may be uncomfortable with your body, trust me you have no reason to be. You’re an incredibly fucking sexy woman, and I can’t wait to open you up even more.”
More? There was more he could do? There was no way he’d be able to make me feel more incredible than he’d already done. Suddenly, I was curious. And just as fast, I felt guilty about my curiosity.
I gave him a weak smile, but didn’t respond.
“You’ll be okay. Trust me.”
Ignoring my request for him to go, he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.
“You’re not leaving, are you?”
He planted a wet kiss on my cheek. “Nope. Let’s go watch a movie. Hey, maybe I should stay over
I’d never done anything so reckless in my life. That woman who spread out on the couch for Derek wasn’t me. I never lost control. Never .
I didn’t know how I allowed… that to happen, but I was struck with fear at the thought of leaving the bathroom and facing Derek again.
And not only did I allow it to happen, I acted like a ravenous loon. A little voice in my head whispered to me as I grabbed a handful of toilet paper: and you liked it, too.
I shook away the thought as I wiped, gasping.
“Oh, my God!”
I looked at the soaked toilet paper in my hand. We didn’t use a condom! The thought never popped in my mind- that’s how out of it I was.
I chucked the paper in the bowl and flushed just as he knocked on the door.
“Are you alright?”
“Y-yes,” I said in the most confident voice I could muster.
But I was definitely not alright. I was over the deep end. For someone with a newfound respect for life, I was acting dangerously and foolishly.
I turned the shower on and washed away my sin, my filth, my shame. But when I stepped out after re-doing my tangled bun, I still didn’t feel any better.
He sat on the couch when I emerged, and I spun on my heels to go in the opposite direction, bumping into a wall as I stumbled in the kitchen.
I could feel his presence in the kitchen before I saw him. I tensed when he grabbed my arm, chuckling to myself. How could I be uptight about his hand on my arm after what we’d just done?
“What is it?”
“I think you should go,” I said, jerking out of his grasp.
He grabbed my waist and spun me around, smacking my back against the fridge. I avoided his gaze, my cheeks hot from embarrassment.
He gripped my chin and lifted my face from the ground, forcing my eyes to meet his blazing gaze.
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
I sighed, relenting after my attempt to get away yielded me not an inch.
“I’m mortified, Derek. Th-that’s not who I am. Despite the fact that you and I will never see each other after we leave Colorado, I don’t want you to think of me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like a whore . ”
I didn’t want him to think I was loose, but actions spoke louder than words. And my actions were as clear as day.
He finally released me, leaning against a counter.
He shrugged. “Thought never crossed my mind. Were you able to put your repression-induced guilt aside long enough to enjoy yourself?”
I chewed on my lip, looking away. Not only did I enjoy myself, it was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t admit that because it would give him another opening, and that meant another chance for it to happen again.
He smoothed back my less than perfect bun. “You don’t have to answer. Your body gave me all the answers I needed to know.”
I stepped away, mortified at how I’d lost control. But he pulled me back to him, my heart racing from the close touch despite my shame.
“I know it’s a lot to sort through, Shae. You’ve probably spent your entire life avoiding your sexuality; you have a lot to process. What happened was natural, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. And while you may be uncomfortable with your body, trust me you have no reason to be. You’re an incredibly fucking sexy woman, and I can’t wait to open you up even more.”
More? There was more he could do? There was no way he’d be able to make me feel more incredible than he’d already done. Suddenly, I was curious. And just as fast, I felt guilty about my curiosity.
I gave him a weak smile, but didn’t respond.
“You’ll be okay. Trust me.”
Ignoring my request for him to go, he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.
“You’re not leaving, are you?”
He planted a wet kiss on my cheek. “Nope. Let’s go watch a movie. Hey, maybe I should stay over
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