went
through my desk at school and found my notebookâyou know the one Mr. Cook gave me with Malcolm X on the front. Remember when the prosecution showed them all the drawings I did when I couldnât concentrate in class cause my mind was on what was going on at homeâpictures of me choking my father, stabbing him, pointing a gun at his head. They even found one part where I was supposed to be taking algebra notes but instead I was writing down how I was gonna shoot my daddy with a gun from Blackâs cousin. I tried to tell him that all of that was just make-believe, but he said it looked very real under the circumstances. I showed him your letters, and told him that you thought things was going cool and that things might go my way. He said that you wasnât a good judge of what was going on because you was biased. Remember we learned about bias in legal studies? Just in case you forgot, that mean you was on my side naturally cause you knew me. But he said that in his opinion, the way I acted on the stand hurt me. It hurt me real bad. He said that things was going great when I cried in front of them and everything, but he said that I was too hostile on the stand. He said that I came across as too angry, not apologizing for what I did, and like it was natural for me to do something like that again. I didnât think I was that bad, but he told me that I should think about pleading to involuntary manslaughter. He said thatâs a much lesser charge, and that I wonât get as many years as if I was to get convicted of first or second-degree murder. Plus, he said the judge might have some sympathy for me because of my age and what I been through. He could
intervene and not sentence me to a lot. I donât know what I should do. I donât have that much time. I think it would be better to plead guilty and hope the judge would have some mercy on me, right? MGD and Mookie both been in the joint before. They said that their juries werenât shit, even though it was a few black people on there, and then they said the judge threw the book at them. They said they wasnât trying to scare me. Just keeping it real with you, Youngblood, first time around you should know. Maybe with manslaughter heâll let me out when Iâm 21. Maybe I wonât have to be in there for no 15 or 20 years like if I get second degree. I donât know what to do. My lawyer telling me one thing, my mother saying I shouldnât. She donât believe that people would think I was wrong for what I did, but my mother can be a little cuckoo sometimes. Ma is one of those people who always wanna give others the benefit of the doubt, she always want to try to see the good in people and not believe that they can do evil things. Thatâs why she wouldnât leave my daddy. But see, I know better. I know that some of those people would love nothing better than to send a little no-good nigger like me away for life. They wanna put me under the jail so they wonât have to worry about their purses or their big old rings being snatched. One less thug to fuck up the world. I think my lawyer might be right. I think that if the jury donât like me, then itâs no hope. Baby donât be mad with me, but I think Iâm gonna plead guilty and see what happens.
With love,
Antonio
Â
Â
Â
May 5, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Â
Please, listen to me real good, about pleading guilty. Please Antonio, Iâm begging you not to do this to yourself, to us. I think you making a big mistake. I think you should wait and see what the jury gonna say. I think you should just wait and see. I know you worried. I know you scared. I know you think you gonna go away for years and years and years, but I really think that they can let you off. I really think everybody believed you. Remember when you first wrote to me and you asked me what I thought? If I thought you killed your daddy? Well, at first I did. I didnât want to
through my desk at school and found my notebookâyou know the one Mr. Cook gave me with Malcolm X on the front. Remember when the prosecution showed them all the drawings I did when I couldnât concentrate in class cause my mind was on what was going on at homeâpictures of me choking my father, stabbing him, pointing a gun at his head. They even found one part where I was supposed to be taking algebra notes but instead I was writing down how I was gonna shoot my daddy with a gun from Blackâs cousin. I tried to tell him that all of that was just make-believe, but he said it looked very real under the circumstances. I showed him your letters, and told him that you thought things was going cool and that things might go my way. He said that you wasnât a good judge of what was going on because you was biased. Remember we learned about bias in legal studies? Just in case you forgot, that mean you was on my side naturally cause you knew me. But he said that in his opinion, the way I acted on the stand hurt me. It hurt me real bad. He said that things was going great when I cried in front of them and everything, but he said that I was too hostile on the stand. He said that I came across as too angry, not apologizing for what I did, and like it was natural for me to do something like that again. I didnât think I was that bad, but he told me that I should think about pleading to involuntary manslaughter. He said thatâs a much lesser charge, and that I wonât get as many years as if I was to get convicted of first or second-degree murder. Plus, he said the judge might have some sympathy for me because of my age and what I been through. He could
intervene and not sentence me to a lot. I donât know what I should do. I donât have that much time. I think it would be better to plead guilty and hope the judge would have some mercy on me, right? MGD and Mookie both been in the joint before. They said that their juries werenât shit, even though it was a few black people on there, and then they said the judge threw the book at them. They said they wasnât trying to scare me. Just keeping it real with you, Youngblood, first time around you should know. Maybe with manslaughter heâll let me out when Iâm 21. Maybe I wonât have to be in there for no 15 or 20 years like if I get second degree. I donât know what to do. My lawyer telling me one thing, my mother saying I shouldnât. She donât believe that people would think I was wrong for what I did, but my mother can be a little cuckoo sometimes. Ma is one of those people who always wanna give others the benefit of the doubt, she always want to try to see the good in people and not believe that they can do evil things. Thatâs why she wouldnât leave my daddy. But see, I know better. I know that some of those people would love nothing better than to send a little no-good nigger like me away for life. They wanna put me under the jail so they wonât have to worry about their purses or their big old rings being snatched. One less thug to fuck up the world. I think my lawyer might be right. I think that if the jury donât like me, then itâs no hope. Baby donât be mad with me, but I think Iâm gonna plead guilty and see what happens.
With love,
Antonio
Â
Â
Â
May 5, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Â
Please, listen to me real good, about pleading guilty. Please Antonio, Iâm begging you not to do this to yourself, to us. I think you making a big mistake. I think you should wait and see what the jury gonna say. I think you should just wait and see. I know you worried. I know you scared. I know you think you gonna go away for years and years and years, but I really think that they can let you off. I really think everybody believed you. Remember when you first wrote to me and you asked me what I thought? If I thought you killed your daddy? Well, at first I did. I didnât want to
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