Vacation by Jeremy C. Shipp Page A

no matter what kind of crazy stuff she does with her free time, she’s not courageous. She looks down on me because I’d rather read a book than ‘live the book’ as she calls it. She’s not happy unless I take her out. She doesn’t enjoy sitting at home and talking. She doesn’t really like me.”
    And I realize where I am, and who I’m talking to.
    I wonder if this is how psychologists work.
    I shudder. “Perhaps the point of the Vacation is to erroneously teach people what courage is. Showing us how to have adventures on their terms.” And I’m surprised that I’m already talking the way these people do. Us versus them.
    “Why would they want that? Would true courage be a threat to them?”
    “It could be, in the wrong hands. Courage is a tool of both good and evil.” As I say this, I recognize how courageous this woman really is. Despite her awkwardness and her worried mannerisms and her tiny voice. The fact that she’s living here this way means she’s more courageous than I could ever hope to be.
    “How would you use your courage?” she says. “For good or for evil?”
    “It’s not so much that I’d use it for any specific purpose. I don’t have any enemies.”
    “Then what’s the point?”
    “The point is…” And it takes a lot of courage for me to admit this. Even to myself. “If I were courageous, I could stop being so hard on myself.”
    “What reason do you have to chastise yourself?” she says.
    “Whatever reason I can think of.” You see, I was wrong when I said I don’t have any enemies. “I don’t feel like I deserve what I have. My house, my job, my girlfriend, my gold. I work as hard as I can, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I feel that if I weren’t my father’s son, I wouldn’t have any of it.”
    “Would you?”
    “Probably not.”
    “So let’s imagine that you were an orphan, and you managed to work you way to this point in your life with all that you have, and no one helped you along the way. Would you still feel guilty?”
    “Yes,” and I’m shocked by the answer. “It’s not just a matter of my father. There are people out there who live in poverty. But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part is that I’m not happy with what I have. I want more.”
    “This courageous person you want to become, he wouldn’t feel guilty?”
    “Maybe he would. Maybe there’s no way around it. But he’d be strong enough to do what it takes to make himself happy. No, not strong enough. Selfish enough.”
    So this is him.
    The selfish bastard I really am.
    Noh sets the album on the ground. She walks over to my side, and puts her arm around my shoulders. She has to squat a little to accomplish this, as the chairs are low. “You’re not the bad person you think you are, Bernard.”
    I want to tell her to let go of me, and I want to tell her to hold me tighter.
    “Imagine,” she says. “Imagine that in your childhood you’re pierced or tattooed or beaten or secluded from your family for a period of time. After this event, you’re everything you ever have to be. There are no commercials to tell you what you need, because you already know. No one ever questions your worth, because you’re complete. You’re human. This is the life you deserve, Bernard.”
    And this dirty angel has brought me to tears.
    She returns to her seat. “I fear I’ve allowed us to stray far from the true answer to my original question. Your train of thought was intriguing and I wanted to see where it would lead. This isn’t to say I’m disappointed with the outcome. Quite the opposite. However, it’s about time we get back on track.”
    I smear snot onto my sleeve.
    “Truth be told, there are various purposes for the Vacation,” she says. “But the one we’re looking for, what I referred to as the true purpose, it’s the strongest driving force behind the decision to implement the Vacation program. This you have yet to discover.” She holds out the album. Her arm muscles