distracted by an ugly little emo boy and snogged him, even though he was the only person not wearing a designer outfit.”
“Whoa—firstly, what are you trying to say about blondes, Miss Kolstakis? Secondly, I can’t believe you were in Mahiki and you managed to find an emo.” She laughed. “I admire your skills.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “A skill? I feel like it’s more like a curse.”
“I don’t know . . . I’d much rather be with someone a bit different than another typical Oxfordite.”
I paused and briefly wondered if I would have enjoyed being with Angus. He had been pretty rude when I stood on his face. “I don’t know,” I said. “I give up on men. Especially because I then got very drunk and agreed to let Angus stay with Lara in my tiny en-suite bedroom. And when I woke up I stood on his face, realized that they were both
naked
and then . . . and then I decided to shower it all away and slipped on what I thought was hair-removal cream. But as I was lying flat on my back in the bath, crying out in pain, I realized that I had slipped on Angus’ come.”
Emma spat out her drink and burst out laughing. I grumbled at her to stop enjoying my humiliation so much, but after my attempts failed, I grudgingly joined her and we laughed until we were both close to tears.
“That . . . is just . . .
so
funny,” she said, gasping for breath. “How do these things happen to you? Even the situation where you accidentally told the whole of UCL English Literature class that you loved being bummed even though you never have been.”
“I didn’t exactly tell them I
loved
it . . .”
“Yeah, sorry, the rumors going round are a bit different.”
I froze. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I think even Charlie has a newfound respect for you. The boys all fancy you now.”
“Am I meant to be flattered that they now only fancy me because they think I’m a dirty sex maniac?”
“Excuse me,” said Emma as she plonked her glass back onto the table. “Don’t knock anal sex until you’ve tried it.” She paused, and then lowered her tone. “Except, it can have slightly disastrous consequences.”
I stared at her, picturing her and an unknown man covered in poo. “What?” I asked in alarm.
“That girl Alex I was telling you about? The first time she did it, they were at the guy’s house and his dad walked in. The guy was so terrified he pulled out immediately, just as she clenched in panic, and . . . her rectum dislodged and came out with it. The dad had to drive them to hospital.”
I gulped, mentally vowing never to have anal sex.
“That’s . . . that’s awful,” I whispered, trying to erase the very vivid image from my mind.
She nodded slowly. “If it hadn’t happened to her, I never would have believed it. It sounds like one of those urban myths, but, unfortunately for Alex, it was true. Some might call it karma,” she added with a grin.
I let out a shocked laugh.
“Anyway,” she said, “I’m so glad we’re hanging out. You’re definitely the most normal person I’ve met in our course so far.”
“Same here,” I said, smiling at her warmly and realizing how true it was. “Although that’s really not saying much,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes at me. “Honestly, though, sometimes I feel kind of distant from the rest of them. They’re fun and everything, but I’m never sure how much I have in common with them,” I admitted.
“I know,” she cried out. “Like, why do we always have to drink red wine and pretend we hate pop music? Sometimes I just want to embrace my inner mainstream self. In fact,” she said as she raised her glass in the air, “here’s to not being cool and not giving a fuck.”
We clinked our glasses together, laughing, and she called the waiter to bring us more cocktails. He was young and cute, and I shot him my most flirtatious smile but he didn’t seem to notice. Emma,
“Whoa—firstly, what are you trying to say about blondes, Miss Kolstakis? Secondly, I can’t believe you were in Mahiki and you managed to find an emo.” She laughed. “I admire your skills.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “A skill? I feel like it’s more like a curse.”
“I don’t know . . . I’d much rather be with someone a bit different than another typical Oxfordite.”
I paused and briefly wondered if I would have enjoyed being with Angus. He had been pretty rude when I stood on his face. “I don’t know,” I said. “I give up on men. Especially because I then got very drunk and agreed to let Angus stay with Lara in my tiny en-suite bedroom. And when I woke up I stood on his face, realized that they were both
naked
and then . . . and then I decided to shower it all away and slipped on what I thought was hair-removal cream. But as I was lying flat on my back in the bath, crying out in pain, I realized that I had slipped on Angus’ come.”
Emma spat out her drink and burst out laughing. I grumbled at her to stop enjoying my humiliation so much, but after my attempts failed, I grudgingly joined her and we laughed until we were both close to tears.
“That . . . is just . . .
so
funny,” she said, gasping for breath. “How do these things happen to you? Even the situation where you accidentally told the whole of UCL English Literature class that you loved being bummed even though you never have been.”
“I didn’t exactly tell them I
loved
it . . .”
“Yeah, sorry, the rumors going round are a bit different.”
I froze. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I think even Charlie has a newfound respect for you. The boys all fancy you now.”
“Am I meant to be flattered that they now only fancy me because they think I’m a dirty sex maniac?”
“Excuse me,” said Emma as she plonked her glass back onto the table. “Don’t knock anal sex until you’ve tried it.” She paused, and then lowered her tone. “Except, it can have slightly disastrous consequences.”
I stared at her, picturing her and an unknown man covered in poo. “What?” I asked in alarm.
“That girl Alex I was telling you about? The first time she did it, they were at the guy’s house and his dad walked in. The guy was so terrified he pulled out immediately, just as she clenched in panic, and . . . her rectum dislodged and came out with it. The dad had to drive them to hospital.”
I gulped, mentally vowing never to have anal sex.
“That’s . . . that’s awful,” I whispered, trying to erase the very vivid image from my mind.
She nodded slowly. “If it hadn’t happened to her, I never would have believed it. It sounds like one of those urban myths, but, unfortunately for Alex, it was true. Some might call it karma,” she added with a grin.
I let out a shocked laugh.
“Anyway,” she said, “I’m so glad we’re hanging out. You’re definitely the most normal person I’ve met in our course so far.”
“Same here,” I said, smiling at her warmly and realizing how true it was. “Although that’s really not saying much,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes at me. “Honestly, though, sometimes I feel kind of distant from the rest of them. They’re fun and everything, but I’m never sure how much I have in common with them,” I admitted.
“I know,” she cried out. “Like, why do we always have to drink red wine and pretend we hate pop music? Sometimes I just want to embrace my inner mainstream self. In fact,” she said as she raised her glass in the air, “here’s to not being cool and not giving a fuck.”
We clinked our glasses together, laughing, and she called the waiter to bring us more cocktails. He was young and cute, and I shot him my most flirtatious smile but he didn’t seem to notice. Emma,
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