breathing. In the past, these sorts of reactions had been triggered out of the blue. Something in me just snapped. Auntie Zetta told me it was probably due to my incapability to remember my past lives. She told me certain words, phrases or occurrences could bring something out in me that I felt on a more basic instinct. She had also provided me with steps to calm myself and to focus, in case I might stumble upon an old memory.
Carefully, I lied down across the woven rug in my bedroom, spreading my arms and legs out like DaVinci’s Vitruvian Man. Zetta’s soothing voice filled my mind, repeating the steps for me.
Step One: Close your eyes.
This step mainly allowed me to tune out any distractions.
Step Two: Focus on breathing and clear your mind.
I breathed in. I breathed out. I allowed my mind to think of nothing except my breathing, until it slowed to a normal pace. Zetta called this step meditation. She said you couldn’t begin to focus until your mind was a clean palette.
Step Three: Allow yourself to acknowledge what you’re feeling.
I tried to allow myself to feel, without it taking over me again. What emotions had enveloped me earlier? I think they came from a source of pain, but I couldn’t be sure.
I shouldn’t be trying to think. Zetta told me not to think during this part of the process. She told me I needed to feel what was bothering me first. I had to feel it, in order to figure out my thought process.
So I attempted to feel whatever the emotion was once again…and then I figured it out. It was betrayal . I felt betrayed to my very core.
As thoroughly confusing as that new information was, I didn’t let myself ponder on the reason for the betrayal.
Step Four: Let your thoughts develop from within.
This part was the trickiest. I always seemed to give up before I could hear myself think anything. But I was focused, and I had to see this out. I focused on the betrayal, allowing myself to feel it on every level of my being.
It was a long time before I was able to hear the words come to me. In fact, by the time I heard anything, tears had formed in my eyes due to this horrible sense that I had been wronged. When I finally did hear myself think the thoughts, I wasn’t positive I had heard myself correctly because it was just the barest of a whisper.
Mine , I thought, Gabe is mine .
SIX
Most of the night I spent curled up in bed, trying not to think about anything. If my own thoughts didn’t make sense anymore, I figured I should probably think about nothing for a while. It didn’t really work.
The house was extremely hot tonight. The knob on the fan was turned all the way up to full blast, but it wasn’t helping very much. I pinched the thin fabric of my silky tank top away from me, but my skin was sticky with sweat and the material simply clung back to my body as soon as I let go of it.
I emerged from my bed to open the window, hoping there might be a cool breeze somewhere in the balmy air tonight. As I did, I noticed Annika’s black Mazda pulling into the driveway. She slammed her car door shut and ran inside the house. She raised her sleeve to her eyes. It appeared as if she were wiping away tears.
I knew I should probably go back to bed, but I couldn’t help my curiosity. I quietly snuck downstairs and waited in the stairwell beside the kitchen. A moment later, I heard her come in, overwrought with emotion. Miriam was already waiting for her there. She usually did whenever Annika came home late.
“Anni, my dear girl, what happened?” Miriam asked worriedly.
I peeked out of doorway, just a tiny bit, so I wouldn’t intrude upon them.
Annika’s green eyes glittered with tears. Her long, blonde hair was tousled and her clothes looked rumpled. She was a mess, which, for Annika, was extremely unusual. Normally, she kept an impeccable appearance, without even the slightest hair out of place.
“He broke it off, Grams. Gabe doesn’t want to marry me anymore.”
Miriam took
Carefully, I lied down across the woven rug in my bedroom, spreading my arms and legs out like DaVinci’s Vitruvian Man. Zetta’s soothing voice filled my mind, repeating the steps for me.
Step One: Close your eyes.
This step mainly allowed me to tune out any distractions.
Step Two: Focus on breathing and clear your mind.
I breathed in. I breathed out. I allowed my mind to think of nothing except my breathing, until it slowed to a normal pace. Zetta called this step meditation. She said you couldn’t begin to focus until your mind was a clean palette.
Step Three: Allow yourself to acknowledge what you’re feeling.
I tried to allow myself to feel, without it taking over me again. What emotions had enveloped me earlier? I think they came from a source of pain, but I couldn’t be sure.
I shouldn’t be trying to think. Zetta told me not to think during this part of the process. She told me I needed to feel what was bothering me first. I had to feel it, in order to figure out my thought process.
So I attempted to feel whatever the emotion was once again…and then I figured it out. It was betrayal . I felt betrayed to my very core.
As thoroughly confusing as that new information was, I didn’t let myself ponder on the reason for the betrayal.
Step Four: Let your thoughts develop from within.
This part was the trickiest. I always seemed to give up before I could hear myself think anything. But I was focused, and I had to see this out. I focused on the betrayal, allowing myself to feel it on every level of my being.
It was a long time before I was able to hear the words come to me. In fact, by the time I heard anything, tears had formed in my eyes due to this horrible sense that I had been wronged. When I finally did hear myself think the thoughts, I wasn’t positive I had heard myself correctly because it was just the barest of a whisper.
Mine , I thought, Gabe is mine .
SIX
Most of the night I spent curled up in bed, trying not to think about anything. If my own thoughts didn’t make sense anymore, I figured I should probably think about nothing for a while. It didn’t really work.
The house was extremely hot tonight. The knob on the fan was turned all the way up to full blast, but it wasn’t helping very much. I pinched the thin fabric of my silky tank top away from me, but my skin was sticky with sweat and the material simply clung back to my body as soon as I let go of it.
I emerged from my bed to open the window, hoping there might be a cool breeze somewhere in the balmy air tonight. As I did, I noticed Annika’s black Mazda pulling into the driveway. She slammed her car door shut and ran inside the house. She raised her sleeve to her eyes. It appeared as if she were wiping away tears.
I knew I should probably go back to bed, but I couldn’t help my curiosity. I quietly snuck downstairs and waited in the stairwell beside the kitchen. A moment later, I heard her come in, overwrought with emotion. Miriam was already waiting for her there. She usually did whenever Annika came home late.
“Anni, my dear girl, what happened?” Miriam asked worriedly.
I peeked out of doorway, just a tiny bit, so I wouldn’t intrude upon them.
Annika’s green eyes glittered with tears. Her long, blonde hair was tousled and her clothes looked rumpled. She was a mess, which, for Annika, was extremely unusual. Normally, she kept an impeccable appearance, without even the slightest hair out of place.
“He broke it off, Grams. Gabe doesn’t want to marry me anymore.”
Miriam took